Where has the sunshine gone?

[CollegeGirl]

Sitting here, looking out at the garden, a dull day, I was just about to post a light hearted thread about the weather in the Tea Room when I realised how apt my title was for my mam and dad's situation.

Where has the sunshine gone? They seem to have no joy in their lives any more. Mam is more or less permanently angry, and dad is exhausted and hanging on by a thread (at his own insistence, I might add).

What is the point of living a life like that? It makes me so very sad for them.

 

[jeany123]

Aw CG it is very sad but you have done your best and as you say it is your dad's choice, he is doing what he thinks is right and wouldn't be happy with anything else,

I hope the sun comes out again

Jeany xx

 

[Grannie G]

That is so apt CG. The sunshine does go from our lives. How sad.

 

[jaymor]

Sunshine missing is apt for me today. I will be attending the funeral of one of 'our gang' of 4 dementia couples. He was admitted to an assessment unit and was about to be discharged to a nursing home when he fell and sustained a huge brain bleed that was inoperable.

We will be celebrating his life today not morning his death

God Bless D, the sun will always be shining on him now he is at peace.


Bless your Mum and Dad too CG

Jayx

 

[kingmidas1962]

Sitting here, looking out at the garden, a dull day, I was just about to post a light hearted thread about the weather in the Tea Room when I realised how apt my title was for my mam and dad's situation.

Where has the sunshine gone? They seem to have no joy in their lives any more. Mam is more or less permanently angry, and dad is exhausted and hanging on by a thread (at his own insistence, I might add).

What is the point of living a life like that? It makes me so very sad for them.

So many parallels with my parents ... dad in care, declining (although seems content, if ...unaware)

Mum - in a permanent black hole of depression - again, partly of her own doing. Her reluctance/refusal to ask for help, or even accept it when offered, as it is now. She has a Community Psychiatric team looking for activities for her to do - will she do them? Nope. Will she accept any of my suggestions to socialise in her sheltered housing? Nope.

Sometimes I feel like my sunshine has gone too then I remember my husband and daughter and turn towards them

Somehow we all need to find our sunshine somewhere

Thinking of you and your M&D xxxx

 

[zigandzag]

HI CG and all -yes another very apt post. I said to my husband last night its so sad - my folks are just "existing" now instead of living their latter years out with some quality of life - I hardly ever see them smile these days - and that includes me too.

I hate to admit to this - but I also find I am becoming a bit resentful too - I look at folk around my moms age and see them laughing with their families etc and think why did my mom have to get this? why haven't they got it? Don't get me wrong I wouldn't wish this awful disease on anybody in the world...... just feel my mom was robbed.

Evil cruel disease.. xxx

 

[lilysmybabypup]

CG, it's just how I've felt for the last 6 weeks, 4 and a bit weeks in hospital for Dad and now 1 and a bit weeks in a nursing home.
I feel like I've been under a black cloud of gloom and worry for all that time. I hoped the nursing home would mean I wasn't spending every day visiting, as I was doing in hospital, but I'm now at the NH every day because he is quite depressed and missing his family.
I feel there will be no more sunshine for our family now, and I'm wrapped in guilt for thinking that Dad's demise will be his only release, and in turn, our own. What do I do with those feelings?

I'm so sorry for the stressful and challenging situation you and your parents are facing. I hope there can be some sunshine on your horizon very soon, as well as all those here who are under the cloud of dementia.

Stephanie, xxx

 

[CollegeGirl]

I think we should all search for the sunshine. Let's pop over to the Listing 3 Positives for the Day thread (if we can find it now!) and see if we can find a little brightness to add to our days.

I wish I could brighten my mam and dad's days, and all of yours.

I too look at my daughters and my husband for my own sunshine. Also my friends on TP and those close to me, and my garden, and even my job! I can find lots of sunshine in my own life, even though my life is touched by Alzheimer's and at times I'm very much in despair.

I just wish mam and dad could. I wish they could find it by being with me and taking pleasure in me and their grandchildren, if nothing else, but lately even that has been taken away from them.

Hugs to you all xx

Jaymor, I am sorry for the loss of your dear friend x

 

[Izzy]

Here's the thread -

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?46743-Listing-3-positives-for-the-day!

I wonder if it should be in the tea room?

 

[CollegeGirl]

Thank you Izzy, that's where I was looking, but couldn 't find it!

 

[sistermillicent]

CG, I think that your dad and my dad are making choices about their lives, however tough those choices are they still have the right and freedom to do that. I am not all that good at explaining things like that but I feel it is really important. Our dads are choosing to spend every minute they can with their wives. However difficult that is.

I don't feel responsible any more for putting the sunshine into my dad's life as I know i can't, but things like watching the golf on TV or Andy Murray's tennis win or a nice tot of whisky in the evening are little rays of sun for him. As for mum, I don't know whether there is sunshine or not but I would not be too hasty to judge that there isn't because maybe she is in there somewhere.
xx

 

[CollegeGirl]

CG, I think that your dad and my dad are making choices about their lives, however tough those choices are they still have the right and freedom to do that. I am not all that good at explaining things like that but I feel it is really important. Our dads are choosing to spend every minute they can with their wives. However difficult that is.

I don't feel responsible any more for putting the sunshine into my dad's life as I know i can't, but things like watching the golf on TV or Andy Murray's tennis win or a nice tot of whisky in the evening are little rays of sun for him. As for mum, I don't know whether there is sunshine or not but I would not be too hasty to judge that there isn't because maybe she is in there somewhere.
xx

I hope you're right SisterM. I don't live with them so am hoping with all my fingers crossed that they DO have some moments of joy in the day. Dad says mam is fine when she's lying down in bed and that he can have an almost-normal conversation with her for a minute or two when they first wake. It's only when she gets up that things go wrong. I will continue to hope that it's not as bleak as it seems to me, and hope for the same for your own mum and dad, some moments of joy x

 

[kingmidas1962]

My dads social worker said that 'people (with mental capacity) always have the right to make their own decisions and choices - that includes making unwise ones, and those we may not agree with' which summed it up quite well I thought. She applied it to those carers (specifically at the time, my mum who was heading for a breakdown) who may choose to look after their partners even though it doesn't seem like the logical thing to do, to everyone else.

Can't say it made it any easier to watch though ... mum doesn't believe she had a choice in caring for dad, but she did, and she made that choice - as in the end she sought assistance, but too little, too late. Hindsight of course is a wonderful thing!

 

[CollegeGirl]

My dads social worker said that 'people (with mental capacity) always have the right to make their own decisions and choices - that includes making unwise ones, and those we may not agree with' which summed it up quite well I thought. She applied it to those carers (specifically at the time, my mum who was heading for a breakdown) who may choose to look after their partners even though it doesn't seem like the logical thing to do, to everyone else.

Can't say it made it any easier to watch though ... mum doesn't believe she had a choice in caring for dad, but she did, and she made that choice - as in the end she sought assistance, but too little, too late. Hindsight of course is a wonderful thing!

Hi KingM, you are right of course! Dad does have the right to choose what he does but I agree it's so very very hard to watch. And if and when he dies from the stress and exhaustion, then my poor mam will have to go into a home anyway, because I simply cannot do what he is doing, so it will have all been for nothing. Well, not nothing. He will know that he did everything he could. He's a hero, but I wish he wasn't. I don't want a dead hero for a dad. I just want my dad. I want my mam too but that's not going to happen.

Isn't this disease just the absolute pits?

 

[sistermillicent]

Thanks kingmidas, you summed that up better than i did about choices. And it is so hard to watch, especially for a bit of a control freak like me.
i got a baby album out yesterday for guess what reason, and was staggered to see pictures of my mum looking like my mum. I haven't seen her like that for so long.