1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. blueviolet

    blueviolet Registered User

    Mar 1, 2015
    16
    My wonderful, loving husband of 42 years has now been diagnosed with moderate to severe dementia. After a car crash 11 years ago he started with aphasia which has progressed and now with the dementia I feel lost and alone. Even with the kindness of others and my two amazing daughters I seem to always be looking back to our happy past and am fearful of looking to the future. Does anyone in my situation feel the same?
     
  2. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,967
    Brixham Devon
    Hello blueviolet and welcome to TP.

    I'm so sorry that you find yourself with a reason to be on this Forum but I know that you will get lots of advice and sympathy whenever you need it.

    I'm glad that you have the support of your two daughters but I also hope that you have other support in the form of maybe carers or daycare? Have you and your Husband had assessments to identify what kind of care can be offered to you?

    I always think it's probably best not to look too far into the future; after all none of us can predict what will happen to us. I do understand the fear and uncertainty that you feel as most of us probably never factored in Dementia as being part of our lives.

    Post whenever you want-whether it's for a rant or specific query.

    In the meantime take care

    Lyn T XX
     
  3. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    When this is new to you, it does look frightening for a while, blueviolet. But after a few months, we start getting used to things. All we can do is care for our loved ones, and keep them as safe as possible.

    Huge welcome to you, and so sorry you are finding yourself here. There's always a helpful person around, so never be afraid to look us up when you need us.
     
  4. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,489
    Female
    Near Southampton
    #4 Saffie, Mar 1, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2015
    He is still there, hidden under the cloak of dementia and he needs you now like never before.
    It is hard to see the person we have known and with whom we have shared so much of our lives change before our eyes but we do - somehow - learn to cope with all the challenges it brings.

    As Lyn has said, just take each step at a time and don't look too far forward.
    You are blessed with supportive daughters and that will help.
    Keep coming here too as there are may here who can identify with how you are feeling and who can help and support you on this journey.
    Very best wishes.
     
  5. blueviolet

    blueviolet Registered User

    Mar 1, 2015
    16
    Thank you all for your kind responses. It does help knowing that other people out there are in similar situations and understand. I know I have to be more positive. My husband has always been my rock and now I have to be strong for him.
     
  6. Bythspirit

    Bythspirit Registered User

    Jan 26, 2014
    34
    "Does anyone in this situation feel the same?" - Blueviolet this struck such a chord, frankly I'd be surprised if there is anyone in this situation who didn't feel this way! Personally, on the surface I deal with everything and look after my child-like husband, show a good face to the world, and live very much in the "now" - because that's all we have, the past has gone and the future is difficult to contemplate. Underneath I am sad, annoyed, living a life of quiet desperation. Look for all the support you can get, I recently found what they call "Dementia Cafe" (horrible name!) in our area and just spending an hour with other carers in same position, who can understand and nod helps me a lot. Love and light to all carers. x
     
  7. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,839
    Suffolk
    Well, I couldn't put it better than Saffie and Blythspirit have already done!
     
  8. Bree

    Bree Registered User

    Oct 16, 2013
    204
    blueviolet

    Yes I can empathise with you, the man I married and lived with for over forty years is gradually disappearing. You never think when you decide to spend your life with someone that it will all change so drastically.

    We have a dementia café near us also, but OH refuses to go, end of. You may well have people coming from mental health agencies to see you, if they offer help, take it. Someone is coming again Monday to 'talk to us'.

    I don't mean to sound negative, but all I can say is accept what you can't change, be grateful for what you had, many people never have a stable long marriage, maybe never knew love. It isn't easy, it's lonely at times, but we are here for you.
     
  9. WIFE

    WIFE Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    857
    WEST SUSSEX
    I agree with everything that has been said and will only add that given the choice I would have my husband back - dementia and all - right now. Try to find the humour in situations if you possibly can and remember it is the dementia to blame not your man. Loving thoughts WIFE
     
  10. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    500
    Scotland
    I think we all have similar feelings Blueviolet. We don't have support group/memory café where we live (small town) - no family here either. It's good that you have your daughters' support.

    Welcome to TP
     
  11. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    5,726
    North Somerset
    Agree with the other posters. It is so difficult to lose the person you love but he/she is still there and sometimes, just once in a while, you get a glimpse which is stored away to be treasured. It's a difficult road but you do get used to it, in my case, by trying to ignore the future and living from day to day. We despair and rage from time to time at the waste and cruelty of it all but our love doesn't die.
    Sent from my GT-N5110
     
  12. BR_ANA

    BR_ANA Registered User

    Jun 27, 2012
    1,085
    Brazil
    I began thinking that instead of a mother, I have a baby to care. It eased the pain of loosing my mother. I know it is hard to find 'cute' an old lady, but I did it
     
  13. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    58,717
    Female
    Dundee
    #13 Izzy, Mar 1, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2015
    I agree with the others. It's hard to lose the husband (or wife) you loved so much in this way. It's 14 years since my husband's diagnosis. We've developed a different kind of life. Not the life I wanted but it isn't all bad. In some ways I'm more of a carer now but I still have him and he's still my husband. Slightly different to the one I married but he's still my husband.

    Please remember we are all here to support you when you need it. x
     
  14. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    2,635
    Kent
    Hello blueviolet welcome to talking point, this is a wonderful forum everyone here understands how we are feeling, friends and family don't really know what we go through. It is such a horrible illness l feel for you. Take great care of yourself and get all the help you can
     
  15. WIFE

    WIFE Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    857
    WEST SUSSEX
    My next-door-neighbour - he is only there about once every three weeks for a few nights - once said to me last year that eventually love for the person with dementia dies. His wife has been in a dementia home for ten years now and he visits once every three months "for appearances sake". My love for my husband never diminished - in fact increased as he became more needy - even during the very dark days when he was unable to remember who I was and asked for "his wife to visit if she wasn't too busy elsewhere". Now he is gone I still love him and his memory as much as ever.
     
  16. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    2,635
    Kent
    Hello Wife l agree with you, as much as my hubby irritates, and upsets me, l still love him as much as before Alzheimers, when l can't manage to look after him l would have to see him everyday.
     
  17. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    5,726
    North Somerset
    How could you not, WIFE. He has been your life for so many years. xx

    Sent from my GT-N5110
     
  18. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,489
    Female
    Near Southampton
    .
    To me personally, that sounds a complete betrayal. Very selfish as well.
    It also sounds as though he might have moved on with his life in many ways.
    That was something that never entered my head as my husband was, and is, after nearly 54 years, so much an integral part of my life and after dementia he became the focus of it. This didn't stop when he went into a nursing home for 3 years either but, in a way, became almost more so as nobody in the home knew my husband as well as I did.
    I'm with you wife. x
     
  19. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    Cried as I read this, because it echoes my thoughts so much.
     
  20. mabbs

    mabbs Registered User

    Dec 1, 2014
    238
    Lancashire
    I too felt like crying, at the post by WIFE, my hubby is getting worse, and I am finding it more and more difficult to cope, today has been a bad one, and I shouted at him, I couldn't help it, but my love for him does not diminish, looking after him 24 hrs a day alone takes it toll I suppose, so like others I agree if you are offered help take it, ( I am still waiting for the offers) but I have been going to dementia cafe, it helps to get out and see others, and hubby does enjoy it, unfortunately the next day always seems to be a bad one. Hope you are ok Blueviolet, I dont post very often but read a lot, and there is such a lot of good advice and love on here. Take care
     

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