Mum does not think she has anything wrong, she is getting very confused and thinks that she has been out and had visitors when I have been in the house and know its not true, she even gets muddled about who I am at times, and about whose house she is in and thinks that she still lives where she did as a child. I cannot get her to see that it is a problem, I have got a form to fill in to be her carer and tried to discuss this with her, but she just says that she can go out and do her shopping and we dont need that, she does not realise that I have been doing all her shopping for the last four months,and the only time she has been out was when she wandered at night and was brought home, I do all the cooking when I am with her, I hope she eats when I am not there but as she forgets what she has eaten I have to hope for the best, I have not filled the form in yet as I feel I am betraying her in some way to do so against her wishes, her doctor said to sort out poa but Mum will not have anything to do with that, social services are coming to see her but I know she will not want any help they offer and it is going to cause distress to her and she will probably blame me, should I do things behind her back? I know it might come to the point when I have to but how long should I put it off?
Where From Here?
- Thread starter Memori
- Start date
Hi Memori
Sadly all you have been saying about your mum is very typical, and there are no right or wrong answers.
I for one tell mum fibs all the time. I used to try and correct her when she was confused, but I have stopped doing that now, it only made her feel stupid, and in any event, she would simply forget what I had told her in no time at all.
The one thing I think I would try and find my way around in your position is the POA. You will find yourself in a right old mess without it quite honesty. I would choose my moment when you discuss it with mum. I would have the papers drawn up, and a witness to hand, and get it done as soon as possible.
I would also be concerned about her night time walks, sadly there are some nasty people out there, she may well come to harm. Not knowing your mums living arrangements, e.g. whether she lives on her own, I cannot offer any advise.
I am so sorry that you are clearly having a bad time right now, and mum is obviously a cause for concern. Please keep posting and let us know how you are getting on.
Cate
Sadly all you have been saying about your mum is very typical, and there are no right or wrong answers.
I for one tell mum fibs all the time. I used to try and correct her when she was confused, but I have stopped doing that now, it only made her feel stupid, and in any event, she would simply forget what I had told her in no time at all.
The one thing I think I would try and find my way around in your position is the POA. You will find yourself in a right old mess without it quite honesty. I would choose my moment when you discuss it with mum. I would have the papers drawn up, and a witness to hand, and get it done as soon as possible.
I would also be concerned about her night time walks, sadly there are some nasty people out there, she may well come to harm. Not knowing your mums living arrangements, e.g. whether she lives on her own, I cannot offer any advise.
I am so sorry that you are clearly having a bad time right now, and mum is obviously a cause for concern. Please keep posting and let us know how you are getting on.
Cate
I would say yes , but then its easy for me to say that , only you no how long you can keep putting it of , as its hard trying to be realistic
Sounds like a good idea to get SW to come around , Just be around your mother house on the day and let her in , even thought your mother may not like it , as lest she can talk give you some advice in how to more forward in helping your mother , but I wonder if your mother does not want they help what can they do !
Have you spoken to your mother doctor about your concerns about her ?
What does he say ?
Hi Memori,
Don't put anything off... do it now, as Cate said it will be infinitely worse without doing what's required now. Sorry you're having such a bad time. Do try to catch your Mum on a good day
you are not betraying your Mum by doing these things, but looking after her best interests.
take care
Don't put anything off... do it now, as Cate said it will be infinitely worse without doing what's required now. Sorry you're having such a bad time. Do try to catch your Mum on a good day
you are not betraying your Mum by doing these things, but looking after her best interests. take care
Memori said:
Hi
Yes. In my opinion you should do things behind her back, if it is in your Mum's best interests.
When Mum was at home I always had to fib, distort the truth? But, I did so, in order to be able to manage the situation and cause as little stress as possible. I'll admitt I didn't always get it right.
Mum also thought that she was still as capable as she was 20 years ago, but with the right carers and the right approach and carers being briefed as to the situation, eventually she accepted, "friendly" help.
Try to be there when the carers arrive and introduce them as your best friends. (Yes, tell untruths if it will help) after all you are only trying to help your Mum.
I would also advise, as others have to get the EPOA done ASAP. You are not betraying your Mum. You are looking after her interests. Could you say you are doing it also and this is what any sensible person does?
Good luck, I have been there and can symphathise
Sorry if I have offended by being so blunt
Alfjess
Hi Memori
It's an unfortunate thing but doing things "behind mum's back", as it were, is really the only way to get things done and sometimes the priority is to get things done, especially the POA.
I specifically mention the POA as we haven't done it with mum and now I don't think we'll be able to as mum can't speak except to say yes and no - which she generally gets the wrong way round. Things are going to get very complicated and very expensive.
It is difficult and there is an inbuilt response telling you not to lie or hide things from your mum (let's face it they drilled it in to us!! ) but you've got to do what's best for mum and least distressing for you both. That's not as selfish as it may first appear as the less stressed and easier your life can be the better carer you can be to you mum.
I understand your reluctance (I am a christian so find lying especially 'iffy'!) but as long as you're acting in mum's best interests - which you clearly are - you have nothing to reproach yourself with - the normal rules of life just don't apply with this nasty disease!
Take care of yourself
Kate P
XXX
It's an unfortunate thing but doing things "behind mum's back", as it were, is really the only way to get things done and sometimes the priority is to get things done, especially the POA.
I specifically mention the POA as we haven't done it with mum and now I don't think we'll be able to as mum can't speak except to say yes and no - which she generally gets the wrong way round. Things are going to get very complicated and very expensive.
It is difficult and there is an inbuilt response telling you not to lie or hide things from your mum (let's face it they drilled it in to us!!
) but you've got to do what's best for mum and least distressing for you both. That's not as selfish as it may first appear as the less stressed and easier your life can be the better carer you can be to you mum.I understand your reluctance (I am a christian so find lying especially 'iffy'!) but as long as you're acting in mum's best interests - which you clearly are - you have nothing to reproach yourself with - the normal rules of life just don't apply with this nasty disease!
Take care of yourself
Kate P
XXX
Thank you all for your replies, The social worker lady came and saw us, she was very nice and kind, and didnt mention the A word or D word that I was fearing and knew Mum would take offence at, but like I thought Mum would not have any of the help she offered, and she has been signed off until she requests help, she left some leaflets on various things but Mum has still not bothered to look at them, I was also given some leaflets on carers and such, and advised to contact my local carers group which I hope to do, but at the end of it the social worker said it was a difficult problem, as for POA I really dont feel ready to do that yet but will see how she is, Mum has an appointment coming for the memory clinic and I hope I can get her to go to that.