where can I go to get help?

[Steph H]

my father is 80 and severely disabled following a stroke my mother of 75 has cared for him over the last 5 years but now she is showing obvious signs of dementia. I have attended doctors appointment with her because she forgets what the dr tells her. I have explained this to the dr but he is reluctant to diagnose her with dementia. she is being tested for depression and on the last visit he increased her medication. when she can my sister works from their home to monitor them. she told me yesterday that my mother is wearing the same clothes everyday. only last week I took my parents shopping and my mother chose 2 new pairs of trousers and 8 tops which she hasn't remembered doing. she's always been very attentive to her appearance and what she wears.

their home is a complete mess and far too big but my mother gets very upset when we suggest any kind of help. she has mood swings, gets very emotional and weepy and has become quite paranoid about her neighbors not liking her and wanting to harm her. my sister and I have demanding careers and our own children so the balance is very difficult but we can't go on as we are and need to find out if there is come one out there we can talk to who can make recommendation on how to improve my parents care. I would welcome steers from any members please?

 

[jaymor]

Hello Steph and welcome to the forum.

Your Mother does seem to be displaying many symptoms of dementia and needs a diagnosis so that if she does have dementia she gets the help she needs. I would write down all of the different behaviours you have seen, the fact the home is being neglected and she is becoming paranoid about people wanting to harm her and send the notes to her doctor. Ask that she at least be tested.

You can also telephone your local Alzheimer's Society and ask for some help and guidance from them.

Medication is available for some forms of dementia, obviously not to cure but to slow it down and help. Some of the symptoms can also be helped by medication so it is important to get a diagnosis.

Once you have a diagnosis then your Mother can be assessed to see what her needs are and for those needs to be taken care of. There is also a carers assessment that can be carried out on someone giving care and again help given to enable the carer to give that care.

So as said in previous posts get back onto her GP and speak to Alzheimer's Society and even AgeUK, the more knowledge you have the more weight you have to hit the doctor with.

Jay

 

[marionq]

I agree with Jaymor but I would also consider taking her to another GP if possible. Some doctors spot the signs immediately and others are reluctant for reasons I cannot understand. Once you go through the diagnostic part other help should kick in with a CPN monitoring medication and involving advice from others. It is nothing to be afraid of and we have found it all very positive.

 

[Tin]

Agree with Jaymor and Mariong, you have to get the process started, because it can all sometimes take so long. Mums 1st gp did not seem to understand a thing about dementia, it was like he was just ticking her symptoms off a prepared list, then he went on holiday and we got a different gp, and things really started to move. As hard as it is for you and your family to accept your mums illness, it is the kindest thing you can do for her.

 

[Tin]

Agree with Jaymor and Mariong, you have to get the process started, because it can all sometimes take so long. Mums 1st gp did not seem to understand a thing about dementia, it was like he was just ticking her symptoms off a prepared list, then he went on holiday and we got a different gp, and things really started to move. As hard as it is for you and your family to accept your mums illness, it is the kindest thing you can do for her.

 

[nita]

From what you say, it must be getting too hard for your mother to cope with looking after your severely disabled father. What about trying the route of getting support for him by ringing Social Services Adult Care department and telling them he needs help? They will then come and assess him and at the same time look at the whole situation. It may be that if you bring someone in from outside, they will be able to explain to your mother that she needs to have help. At the same time, they could assess her and see what support she needs.

Also, approach the GP from this point of view, that with your mother's own health problems she cannot continue on her own to look after your father.

 

[Pigeon11]

Hi Steph

You must go back to your GP and ask that he either refers your Mum to a specialist to assess her mental health or to Social Services to see what help and support with daily care can be offered for both your parents.

GPs aren't really qualified to give an exact diagnosis on dementia - in fact even the specialists/consultants etc struggle as it's a disease that can show similar signs and symptoms to others, like depression. It may just be that, but something has made you think it's more serious, otherwise you wouldn't be on here, so it's best to have it checked out.

Whatever the diagnosis, it's clear that they both are elderly, have health problems and aren't coping on their own. They are entitled to some support from social services whatever their health problem, but until someone gets the ball rolling, you're just going be struggling along without the proper care and support they need. If the GP is being hesitant, this isn't helpful and you may have to be a little more foreceful about the referrals.

Don't worry that your Mum is reluctant to get any outside help . Social services are used to this (it's the nature of the beast) and may be able to work with your mum to overcome any fears.

Good luck with it all
x

 

[Steph H]

Thank you thank you!!

I am touched so many of you have taken the time to respond to my plea for help. I will take on board all the advice you have given me and look to follow up ever possible avenue and hopefully bring about some improvements in their quality of life. thank you again. I will keep you posted and let you know how we get on. presume these services are only available week days so will make a few phones calls on Tuesday. have a great bank holiday weekend!!

 

[Steph H]

things are moving along

I'm delighted to tell you we are making progress. I spoke to my mothers GP and he agreed to refer her to a consultant at SEPTs South Essex Pertnership Trust who specialise in mental health. the following day a nurse called me and arranged a home visit for my mothers initial assessment and 2 weeks later we saw a consultant who completed a one hour assessment. what became apparent which I hadn't noticed before was my mother was quote unaware of the year, the month, the day of week or the season and thought we were in 1971 which she then contradicted herself to 1976. she has new medication and we are waiting for an appointment for a brain scan. the consultant said this would tell him much more about what is happening. next appointment with the consultant in late Dec.

 

[jeany123]

I am pleased things are going well it sounds as though your mother is getting the help she deserves, It must be such a relief to you,

Best wishes Jeany x

 

[Pickles53]

I'm delighted to tell you we are making progress. I spoke to my mothers GP and he agreed to refer her to a consultant at SEPTs South Essex Pertnership Trust who specialise in mental health. the following day a nurse called me and arranged a home visit for my mothers initial assessment and 2 weeks later we saw a consultant who completed a one hour assessment. what became apparent which I hadn't noticed before was my mother was quote unaware of the year, the month, the day of week or the season and thought we were in 1971 which she then contradicted herself to 1976. she has new medication and we are waiting for an appointment for a brain scan. the consultant said this would tell him much more about what is happening. next appointment with the consultant in late Dec.

That must be such a relief and I'm impressed with the speed of reaction from your local health services; it took two months after referral before mum saw a MHNurse and another two months for a consultant appointment.

 

[Steph H]

today is my mum birthday. she will be 75

i posted last summer looking from advise about my mums health and was given some very sound advise. it's nearly a year later and as a family we have been through some difficult decisions. I wanted to share a little of what has happened with other forum readers. my sister moved in with my Parents over Christmas to care for them and I support during week and weekends. it's a struggle but with carers and a cleaner we get by. my mum reached a point of sleeping 20-22 hours a day which for us was heartbreaking and the MH nurse during her last home visit wanted mum admitted to a MH unit. as a family we had an emergency visit to see a consultant. getting mum out of bed, washed and dress to see a consultant is a stressful and upsetting task but we managed it. we explained to the consultant we rather mum came off the drugs for memory and depression and had some kind of life albeit with memory loss and a life of sleeping all day which isn't a life is it? he agreed to this and to monitor the situation. 2 weeks on and mum is up and about a lot more. she is still very tired and forgetful but she's part of our life's - which is important to us all and I truly believe helps her conditions.
today is her birthday. I have the day off work to take her out for the day and spoil her. I'm not sure how many times she say to me is it my birthday today but it may be the last one that she will even acknowledge and I'm really looking forward to sharing all my love with her today.
the reason for posting this message is to say to forum readers doctors don't know the personalities of their patients if you feel strongly about the care of your loved one discuss it with the consultant or doctor. they are good listeners and very supportive. best wishes to all you carers.

 

[Gigglemore]

Sounds like you have a wonderful family. Hope your Mum enjoyed her birthday and that you will continue to have some good times with her. She is lucky to have such caring children.