Registered User
Jan 10, 2005
Hello there - I'm writing to ask for help/advice. My Mum suffers with A - she lives with my Dad who is her main carer. They live in the SW of England and one of my sisters lives about 10 miles from them. I live in Nottingham and our other sister lives in Cheltenham. I think Mum has been suffering with A for about 10 years although it's so difficult to remember when symptoms starting presenting themselves. Dad has coped brilliantly and has wanted to care for her himself with support from from his three daughters.

In the last three years as Mum has become more unwell Dad has had several bouts of ill-health and, as her carer, this has proved so hard. As I'm writing this I'm struggling as I really want to write this well - but emotions are getting the better of me I'm afraid.

Dad is undergoing another bout of ill-health - pneumonia this time. He is at home but in bed. My sisters and I are taking it in turns to go and stay to look after him and Mum (who cannot understand why he is being so lazy and staying in bed all day!!).

We all know (Dad included) that the inevitable is going to happen and Mum is going to have to have residential care - our awful dilemma, which I'm sure so many people have faced, is when we should start considering this. Really it's the when, how, where etc. We just need some help with this as we all want to do the best we can for both of them.

Many thanks in advance



Registered User
Oct 23, 2003
West Sussex
Dear Ally, welcome to TP. So very sorry to hear of your troubles. Please never worry about sharing your feelings here, we are all in the same boat. If you check out our fact sheets you may find some help about choosing a home when needed. Do your parents have a CPN or a Social Worker, they are usually well clued up on this. If not, ask their GP or your Mum's consultant to recomend some. You could also ask your local Alz. branch. Really, only you as a family, can choose this option and decide when it should be. However, sticking my neck out a bit, if your Dad is this poorly, then perhaps you should start putting out feelers for one? He is going to find it harder and harder to cope and if he also is unwell, you have to consider him too and his well being in a physical sense. It is much better not have to rush into choosing a home if you can. It is not an easy decision and even harder if it happens because of a crisis situation. Try to check out a short list of those available, have a good snoop round, are the residents smiling, are the staff interacting with them. Does the home smell nice, how many staff are there to residents. Are the meals varied, do you or they do the washing. There's more, but you know what I mean now. If your Dad is already resigned to this, he may well find that once your Mum has settled in, he can go to visit and have real quality time with her instead of a 24/7 struggle. Do hope things improve for him healthwise soon and for you all as a family. Please post again soon and let us know how things are going. Thinking of you, love She. XX


Registered User
Mar 31, 2004
Dear Ally

I know from my own experience how hard it is to contemplate placing your Mum in residential care. I was in the same situation a few months ago, and, knowing it was coming, I found the CSCI website to be very useful. I was able to read all the inspection reports for care homes in my area, and had drawn up a list of those I would not consider at all, and others which I would. As it happened, Mum had a bad fall, and needed emergency respite care, and the first home offered I rejected immediately. Her social worker was very prompt in finding another, which I knew had a fairly good report, and after a visit I accepted the placement, although she stayed on the waiting list for a new home which only opened in May.

She is now in the new home - a wonderful MHA dementia care home, which supports the family, as well as the residents. She has an enormous room with en suite facilities, and the staff are great. I felt awful at the prospect of residential care, but have to admit that she is really well cared for there, and so am I. I am now able to concentrate on her wellbeing when I visit and can leave behind the sheer exhaustion I felt constantly when she was at home with me.

I hope you are able to find similar peace of mind. Take care of yourselves, as well as your Mum.

The website is www.csci.gov.uk



Registered User
Jan 10, 2005
Thank you both

Hello Sheila and Claire
Thank you so much for your replies - they were so quick and so helpful. I've had a look at the site you told me about Claire and it's really good. I'm about to set off down to Mum and Dad's in about an hour and won't have the Internet there so wanted to send you a quick reply before I go. John (husband) and I are hoping to still get away on our motorhome travel (were supposed to be going tomorrow but that's obviously very much on hold for now).

I have printed off lots of info to talk about with my sister while I'm in the SW - will let you know how things go but as I say I won't be able to do that for a while.

Once again many thanks - it's so good to know your support is there. Best wishes to all at this site.

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