Hi I'm Jenny. I'm new to this site. My husband was diagnosed with logopenic asphasia and Azheimers 2 years ago. It was mild then, but since Christmas has accelerated rapidly and I am feeling very distressed and upset watching his levels of confusion. Since Christmas he now has increasing episodes of not knowing who I am. He refers to me as his mum, or our daughter and sometimes he thinks I am another woman. He has asked me when his wife is coming back and phones me from another room to come back when I am there already. I just don't know how to deal with this and after 54 years of marriage it is heartbreaking. If anyone has advice or experience dealing with this symptom of the disease, I would be so grateful. Thank you. Jenny
When your husband doesn't know you..
- Thread starter JenJon
- Start date
I’m afraid the experience of many here will be very similar to yours. My husband was diagnosed in 2016 and his problem was mainly lack of memory and he was starting to have problems with speech. It was fairly straightforward for the first year and we carried on as normal. In 2018 he suddenly developed great anxiety and we had to cancel planned holidays and he became verbally aggressive. He went on and on about not having any money, and accused me of having syphoned off his money into my accounts. Life became dreadful and I became suicidal, quite literally. Our GP referred him to the local mental health team and they have given all sorts of variants of medication and in the last couple of months thinks have improved greatly. However, about 6 months ago, he told me his wife had gone, and taken his money with her. I tried to show him recent photos, but if he recognised them as his wife, he didn’t see the likeness to me. He didn’t know who I was, but seemed happy to have me here. More recently, he tells me his wife has died!!! We have got to the stage here where there is not really any conversation as he can’t hear or understand anything that is said to him, and his speech has deteriorated such that I have no idea what he is saying. I occasionally try to tell him I’m his wife, but it’s a waste of time, and I now do and say anything for a quiet life!!
It is upsetting to think he doesn’t know me, but there is nothing that I can do. It’s part of the illness. He knows our friends and wonders how I know them as I’ve never met them before!!!
This situation often varies from day to day and within days. My husband mostly knew me but eg refused to get into bed as it “wouldn’t be proper to share a bed with his sister”. I just moved next door after tucking him in. When I called in ten minutes later to see how he was he knew me again. No point in getting upset or trying to persuade. It is not a happy place for you but you can make it easier on both of you if you just accept it.
My husband lost me for the last two years he was at home with me. He saw me as the nice lady who kept him company whilst he waited for his wife to return.
He was content to have me around and obviously felt safe with me and it remained so until his death 6 years-later. He too would ring me from another room and when I said I’d be back soon he would tell me to take my time and drive carefully.
He was content to have me around and obviously felt safe with me and it remained so until his death 6 years-later. He too would ring me from another room and when I said I’d be back soon he would tell me to take my time and drive carefully.
This is very distressing for you @JenJon, particularly as it has come on so quickly but it seems to be fairly common. I'm never really sure if my partner knows me or not, we've been together for 17 years, Alzheimer's diagnosed 4 years ago. A while ago he sat next to me on the sofa and asked me if he had a wife. This disease is so traumatic to have to deal with, with all its ups and downs, more downs than ups I would say. Keep reading the website and the forums for advice and support, it's the only place to go where others are in the same situation and can understand what you're going through.
This sounds eerily like the situation between myself and my husband.all of a sudden he is obsessed with HIS money,not OUR money,HIS.I have discussed things with the bank,as mu husband is not safe with his card,can't remember his pin number so keeps it written down in his wallet alongside his card!I know,I know! the bank say if he loses his wallet(highly likely)or is spotted by some unsavoury character and mugged for his wallet and the account cleared out,then they will not reimburse us...yet my husband gets verbally abusive about this.
Fortunately, my husband doesn’t seem to want to spend his money!!! He went through a phase however when he was very agitated that he believed he hadn’t received his company pension since he retired (30 years) and when I told him it had come every month and we used it to live on, he went mad!! It was his pension, and I was spending it etc etc. In the end, I used my POA to change the joint account to my name only, and opened a new savings account in his name. Now when I show him his accounts, I can show him the details without him getting agitated. He has forgotten about the pension and I don’t mention it. I know others have opened an account for the PWD and put a small amount in so that they have use of their debit card. I’m afraid my husband is at a phase where he seems not to understand debit and credit cards, and is upset because he hasn’t got a bank book for his accounts (a blast from the past!!) He always wants to go to the bank to get cash, as he doesn’t understand the concept of paying by card.
Mine just the same @Vitesse, thinks he doesn't have any money, every evening he used to ask how much money he had. He also wanted to get a job because he thought he didn't have any money - didn't remember that he'd retired and had pensions coming in! I registered my POA with the bank because he kept wanting to go down and withdraw all his money. He seems to have got over that phase for now.
I must be so lucky. I've always been the one to keep account of our money and spending and we've always had a joint account but each with our own cards. I realised some time ago, after diagnosis, that my husband was at risk of losing his card. So when he also forgot his pin number I just suggested he let me look after his card. He was quite happy for this and now never asks me about money. He never wishes to spend any money. At one stage he did often comment that he had no money in his pocket. I pointed out that that was because it always ended up down the side of his chair. Now he doesn't bother keeping any.
Does this happen at specific times of the day @JenJon? My husband didn`t know me as his wife when he was sundowning, mostly late afternoon/early evening, although it has happened as early as lunchtime.
He didn't ask when his wife was coming home, but he left the house to either go home to his real wife or to look for her.
Some nights he refused to share our bed saying he was a married man and it wasn`t right.
It`s dreadfully distressing and for us, as the dementia progressed, although he didn`t really know me as his wife and I never asked if he knew who I was, he accepted me and never mentioned another wife.
I was thankful for small mercies after 50 years of marriage.
The strangest thing was he never had any confusion recognising our son.
I wish we could get over this phase!! This morning, at 6am he was really distressed about not having any money. I tried showing him his wallet, and his bank accounts, but nothing worked. I just had to wait for the early morning Risperidone to kick in for a bit of peace!!
So difficult. I still get the questions every now and again and he's always getting his wallet out and looking at the notes in it. Someone on the forum suggested getting realistic looking play money for him and I was going to do that but then he seemed to lose the obsession about money.
My husband did go through the stage of checking his wallet often and counting the notes. But he suddenly lost interest in it and now never opens his wallet. Come to think of it I'm not even sure where it is.
My husband has been prescribed Risperidone. It started out as taking half a tablet on an as and when basis. That hardly worked at all, because he refused to take them!! Then gradually I have been told I could increase the dose to firstly a half tablet daily, then twice and a few months ago, it is up to 3 of these half tablets. The max dose is 4 of the half tablets. She also gave him Mirtazipine, to be taken each night before bed. Unfortunately some blood tests indicated a lack of sodium and she took off the Mirtazipine. At the same time, she kept on to me to go to the GP for some antidepressants, which I eventually did. I agreed to taking a very low dose , and all of this together has made life more bearable. I have since left off the antidepressants and still manage OK. Most days I can put up with this business of him not knowing I’m his wife. I rarely try to explain who I am, and in his head I don't think I even have a name. He tells me about things they did together!! I just let it go! I have mentioned on TP earlier that we are coming up to our 30th Anniversary and I am finding that difficult to face. The idea that there is no such anniversary in his thoughts, is depressing, but I can’t do anything but get on with it. I have somehow reconciled in my mind that time is limited and therefore I just have to do my best. This doesn’t stop me crying some days about this blooming awful life I’ve found myself in!!!!
Just sending you a big hug. I'm in a very similar situation I'm 66 and hubby is 74 and we've been together over 30 years. Just when you've got the time and money to do things the person you want to do things with is taken away. Now I feel so alone and the person who made me feel special does not recognise me all the time. With it coming up to Valentines Day it makes it even worse. We will get though this cos we have to but the road is not going to be smooth. Xxx