when you have lost a dad?

[Chesca]

Dear Susan

Hope you do take the bull by the horns and visit AM. The thing that makes me angry about what you say is that as far as I understand things your Dad is not a prisoner, he is in a home, his home, and you are entitled to visit any time you like and any good home should encourage this practice. Mum's home does encourage such in the blurb and a lot of the staff don't seem to like it, but if I need to call in to see her at 10 o'clock at night, I can and do, always taking account whilst I'm there that this is one of the hardest parts of their day. You are not after them to entertain you, you just want to sit with your Dad.

Mum's social worker set this in mind for me at the outset when she said in answer to one of my can she/we? that she can have what she likes - it's her home, she's paying for it and don't let them forget it. So hope you do visit; if nothing else it will be interesting to see how they are with the situation.

Hope your head is not like a box of frogs this AM anyway - like your Dad and you, I love red wine as opposed to white but the headaches!

Thinking of you
Chesca

 

[Chesca]

Oh, Kate, so sad. The constant replay of the bad things must serve as a torment at times. I saw my sister experience similar after her husband died some years ago - these were the only pictures she could see in her head, her nightmares. And over time, gently, little by little, they faded to be overtaken by the more happier pictures - the baddies are still there in the 'box' and occasionally try to emerge but she has learnt to cope in her way. I don't suppose this is much consolation to you, early days, but thinking of you.

Kind wishes
Chesca

 

[Brucie]

Hi Susan

yes, go in the morning of course. I do this, but generally choose late morning as Jan often sleeps in quite late after crawling around during the night.

So the only downside of going early is that I may find her asleep, or undergoing showering/toileting/etc. So timing is crucial, and generally 11.30am is 75% sure.

I said in a recent post that Jan ate a full cooked meal the other day with her eyes closed, and I was really not sure if she was actually eating in her sleep.

When I go at 11.30 it means that I can be there to feed her lunch, and the staff are really grateful for that as mealtimes are a real challenge for them. I believe that Jan apreciates my being there for mealtimes - with the best will in the world, the staff, with all their duties, do seem to shovel stuff in, and Jan was always a slow, but appreciative, eater.

I have to ensure that I vary my visiting times so that they don't rely on me! I don't want to be written into their schedules as the unpaid member of staff....

 

[Sheila]

Dear Barraff, it must be so terribly hard for you, here is this lifelong best friend/lover who now is like a prickly pear all the time. Chesca has summed it up so well, (she's far better with words than I am) It must hurt so much, you are wonderful to care for her the way you do. You must try to remember the good times, she was herself then. Don't suppose that helps at times, but it's all there is sadly. I wish I could make things better for you, this Bxxxxy illness takes the very essence of everything. I think it is perhaps worse for a partner in that respect because there are so many really private things that you can no longer share. We can't replace that here I know, but we can share your sadness. Thinking of you,love She. XX

 

[Sheila]

Hi all,dear Susan, Storm, Jude and Geraldine, theres them that do and them that talk a lot I found. I am, sorry was, an only child, but other family members still expected a lot from me over the years but never were there for Mum. Kate, my Mum died in July, the hurt just goes on and on doesn't, I feel really cheated by this disease. And now of course those same family members never call to see how I'm doing, never visit the grave etc. etc. Love She. XX

 

[susan]

Dear all
a huge thank you when all of you are hurting in one way or another - i went to see dad this morning - glad i did although he was in bed he was a little responsive and rambling sadly totally undiecherable? help spelling! But it was nice to hear.
Went about 11.30am as Brucie suggested - i found him smothered in his duvet and very hot - suffers from oh help another spelling psoriasis - gets hot and he gets really itchy - so claws away at his thin skin! Also his bumper was missing off the side of the bed - feet both stuck down the side - trapped - hubby put bumper back on and we sorted the bed.
A short reply as maring calls tonight or i will be facing the sack.

Chesca - no headache this mornonig luckily red wine does not have that effect on me!! Thats' why i drink it i suppose - well cheers to you all tonight Take care Sue

 

[susan]

Dear all just read my post - so much for marking - i can't even spell it - no actually a typing error - honest Suex

 

[storm]

Dear sheila,I nursed my own mum and dad through cancer and the only solace i get is in knowing i did everthing i possible could for them and i know this might sound awful but i am the only one who could say that out of there 9 children. I still miss my mum23yrs later i was only 25 when she died and i loved her so much iknow just how you feel sheila but try and think like me we had a bond with them that no one else did and we should hold our heads high, i wish i could cry i just think my body has run out of tears, magic says she feels better after a good cry but what do you do when your hearts breaking and no tears will flow?luv storm

 

[Sheila]

Dear Storm, heres a big hug and some tears at your kindness, from Sussex. No, you never get over it. I know I did the best I could, and yes I nursed Mum to the end. (Dad went in for an exploratory op and didn't come out, he was 59.) My Mum is now in a double grave with my Dad, who like yours died of cancer, back in 1982. It was a double wammy this weekend because the stone went back on and I'd had written on it, togeter again "till the end of time" that was their song by Perry Como. Just so sad at the mo. Love She. XX

 

[storm]

Dear shelia,I think its lovely what you have had on the stone and try and take comfort that at least they are together again,life can be a bummer some times but even though i have never met you i know you will get through this,and at least with all this technology theres no need to go through it alone we all have each other,luv storm

 

[Sheila]

Thanks Storm, I think that's why I try to help all of you that are going through it now by saying what my Mum was like, I know how screwed up you get, how useless and exasperated you feel. I didn't have anyone except my dear hubby really to share it with. As good as he was/is, it was still my problem, if you know what I mean. I had hour apon hour agonising over how to deal with things. I just so want others not to feel that alone, and to have a place to sound off. it can be the difference between carrying on or throwing in the towel. Love She. XX

 

[Chesca]

Dear Xeus, how goes the war, and the job at the ostler's what with the maring and the mucking out? Hope children behave tomorrow moroning, (was that a Freudian slip?).

Glad to know you're stoll hilding ot al tigevver, after today.

Lots of love
Chesca

 

[Nel]

Dear Susan

I really feel for you, I have given up trying to get the rest of the family to go to the nursing home. They all have their reasons (or excuses!) why, I am the only one who goes.

Yes it hurts most days but sometimes it's not so bad. I too feel ill at the smell in there, turns my stomach most of the time, but my love for my Dad is stronger and I can weather it for the time it takes to visit, smile and give him a cuddle. He knows he is loved then, that's all it takes.

My family deal with it in their own way, it has to come from the heart so I don't force them. I know the later stages are heading my way and I will deal with it one step at a time, when the time comes I hope they will all be there to catch me as I fall, as fall I will do.

Think we all go through the same emotions, thats why this site is so valuable and helpfull. Helps you realise you are not alone.

Nel

 

[susan]

Dear Nel
Thanks for your reply, as i said in an earlier post i am feeling calmer now, it's like a bubble it gets bigger and bigger inside me until i get my angry head on and get rather emotional. I don't mind visiting dad as i always want to check that he's ok and comfortable, give him a cuddle- i suppose deep down i look for a response and these days it can be a long time between seeing that.
Yes we are all in the same boat, the good and bad days - as Norman says day by day.
Take care Nel Sue x

 

[susan]

Dear Sheila
Your a star along with all the rest on TP - thanks for your support over the past week - have managed to convince mum to go late morning tomorrow to see dad - as she has seen him asleep for several weeks she's a bit wary - finds it hard to pretend she understands his warblings of double dutch - yes we know he knows what he is saying, what hurts is that we can't!!
Speak soon love Sue x

 

[Jude]

Dear Sheila,

It's a beautiful tribute. What a wonderful idea.

Jude