When will these horrible feelings go away

[Michele]

Hi,

Well I know it has only been 4 days since mum went into care, but I don't see any sign of these horrible feelings I have going away.

Mum is doing ok. Unfortunately she is very unsettled at night time, and not getting much sleep.

She is not the only one. I can't sleep, I don't really want to eat - well I am but not enjoying anything I am eating - I have visions all the time. I can't concentrate on anything, especially my business - it is our year end this month and I had the accountant in yesterday telling me what I had to do - and now I can't remember what I have to do

I know we have done the right thing for mum, but I just feel awful.

I know I haven't been on here for some time, and when I have it has been very briefly and then I dissappeared again . The thing is, I have no one else to turn to. I have family and friends, but you are the only people that understand what I am going through.

I just want these feelings I have to go away. I am loosing weight by the day, and I just feel constantly sick. I just want to feel better.

Thank you for listening.

Love to you all.
xxxx

 

[nicoise]

Hi Michele,

Perhaps you have to take a view that this is a bit like a bereavement - a massive loss - the loss of the way things were, changes that you didn't want to happen but you were powerless to do anything about, and facing a future that is difficult to predict.

Little steps - take each day as it comes, and just try to look after yourself as well as you can. Your mum's needs are hopefully being taken care of - and she will probably settle with time.

I'm sure you didn't take this decision lightly, and try to remember why it happened - there wasn't another easy option, nor probably a better one.

Your bad feelings will go away - with time. How long is unpredictable - and you are under lots of other stresses at the same time as dealing with this, so just try to focus on what you must get done today, and leave some of the other less important tasks for another time.

Best wishes xxx

 

[Adnkt]

Hi Michele,

You're looking at your mum's situation as though you were her with all your faculties e.t.c and how you think you would feel. But mentally your mum is in a different world now and she won't be having the same worries that you are. You're feeling guilty about things which your mum is probably not experiencing. You say she's doing ok and after only 4 days that's brilliant. You've obviously chosen a lovely home for her and things can only get better.I think it's in the nature of carers that we feel guilty if we allow anyone else to look after our loved one. When your mum has settled in I'm sure those feelings will pass.

 

[holiday]

I understand your feelings but try to reassure yourself that your mum is in the best possible place geting the care and attention she needs. You have nothing to feel guilty about, you did the best that you can do for her. Times a great healer, slowly you'll start to feel better xx

 

[Goingitalone]

It DOES get better! Honest!

Hi Michele,

Oh, how I empathise with you over these feelings! Mum went into her care home on 25th May when my brother (who she lived with and who is mentally ill) couldn't cope any more no matter how much help me and social services could supply. He had done really well to support her as long as he did-I'm so proud of him. In the end his mental health team advised me that he would deteriorate badly if I didn't put Mum into a care home. It was the very last thing I wanted to do and the worst decision I've ever had to make.

Those first few weeks were awful. I kept toying with the idea of bringing her back home. I was certain she was unhappy. The situation wasn't helped by my sis, who had been very unhelpful while Mum was at home and who kept phoning me up and telling me horror stories of her visits to Mum.

Strangely, Mum seemed fine to me but I couldn't ignore the phone calls from sis.

There were a couple of minor problems at first but the staff were really reassuring and they gave Mum lots of attention. Mum doesn't sleep well at night either, but the staff are wonderful. They make her tea and toast or biscuits and chat to her, or watch tv with her till she's sleepy again.

When I visit she seems really content. She sleeps a lot (she did at home) but when she's awake she's happy. She has people to watch and is well fed and clean.

I try not to speak with sis too much, it only unsettles and worries me. I think Mum is different with her and I'm just relieved that Mum is peaceful when I go.

I still feel guilty. I made all sorts of promises when Mum wasn't so bad, I'd no idea how much care she would need and how exhausting it would be for us. I should have realised bro wouldn't be able to cope. I'm afraid I neglected him when I was so involved with Mum's care.

We had a little holiday when Mum had been in about a month. I cried for most of the week because it gave me time to think too much. Nicoise is right-it is a sort of bereavement and we all grieve in different ways. But after the holiday I had come to terms with things a bit more and on my return I was able to do things I'd been putting off, like transferring the bills to my bro's name and getting her loaned items ready to go back to the Occupational Therapy team.

It HAS got much better and each good visit to Mum reassures me more. I've got to know the staff and many of the residents with whom I chat when Mum's asleep. It's an hour's journey on public transport and I can't drive (eyesight) so I usually stay for a couple of hours and she always has a nap during that time.

Hang in there, it really WILL get better. Remember WE have to come to terms with it too and I'm convinced it can be harder for us to adjust than for them sometimes.

Keep posting and feel free to pm me if you're feeling bad. I'm happy to chat if it will help.

Big hugs,

Maggie

 

[Michele]

Thank you all so much - it does help a lot.

I had never thought of looking at it as bereavement before - it makes a lot of sense. And yes, mum is not going to be feeling the way I am.

I am going to see her this afternoon again, which I am really looking forward to, and then over to the bungalow to do some more clearing, which I am not looking forward to.

Well, I have an hour before I leave, so I suppose I had really better try and get my head round year end, otherwise I shall be in trouble

Thank you again.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Dibs]

Hi Michele

As others have said it really is early days and it is a huge adjustment for both you and your mum. Do try and focus on all the positives such as you know your mum is safe which is one of the most important factors, She isn't on her own any more as there are plenty of people around her 24/7. I'm sure your mum will settle eventually. Do try and enjoy each visit with her. I do my mum's nails and just enjoy sitting with her. I used to go through magazines with her looking at the pictures. When I leave her I am happy in the knowledge that she is safe and well cared for. When my mum first went into care I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted as I relaised how stressed I had become worrying about mum and knowing that the decision had to be made.

Its because we love our mums so much that we feel they way we do and we only want whats best for them. Don't feel guilty as you have done what is right for your mum.
Take care Love Dibs (Deborah) xxx

 

[Nebiroth]

I encourage you to go to your GP and talk about how you feel.

It might be that a mild anti-depressant or a short course of sleeping tablets would be helpful.

You will find that just talking about things to a professional who isn;t judgemental will help. You could ask to be referred to a counsellor (there are ones that specifically deal with bereavement which I think is what you're going through)

 

[grobertson62]

Hi

how I remember those feelings, It seems such a short time since I was in your shoes ( March 14th)

It was never something we wanted but something we had to do, So dad is in a EMI nursing home.

we didn't sleep he did,,, wish I could say i stopped eating I didn't he did. so he now needs to put on weight & I need to lose it

I found it all hard to cope with but somehow managed to put on a brave face up until a few weeks ago... it all came crashing down on me

I am now learning to grieve for what I & my family have lost ( the dad I had) & learning to accept the dad I have & take joy in the time we have

I could not have done that with out the help & words of wisdom I found on here, plus some nice white pills from the docs

it is a bereavement albeit that the person is not dead

I do hope you can learn to be easy on yourself & cherish the time you have

Love Gill

 

[shauna]

Hi Michelle,

I have been down this road with my mum she is in a nursing home since april
It will take time for your mum to settle and also for you to adjust im not saying it will be easy and you will have sime good days and bad days but in time you will come to realize that it is for the best. I found it hard to cope with the guilt of my mum being in a nursing home . I couldn't eat and lost a lot of weight and a lot of sleep. I got some great advice from TP and i am now in a better place. I look forward to my visits and am able to spend quality time with my mum and we have shared some very special moments together which i will cherish forever.
I hope all goes well for you you are in my thoughts

Love Shauna.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Michele

I hate to say it but if your mum settles, you will probably get used to it in the end. I`m not saying you will feel good about it, just that you will learn to accept it as a necessary evil.
I hope so anyway.

 

[Michele]

Thank you all so much for being there.

I do feel a bit better today, and did manage to get a good nights sleep.

I am sure that I will get used to it, and I know it will just take time.

I saw mum yesterday afternooon, she was very tired but really pleased to see me, and didn't ask to go home.

We laughed quite a lot yesterday, because the other day when I went there she had 1 of her own slippers on and 1 of someone elses. Then when my sister went she had someone elses glasses in her case. Then yesterday, she had two teddies that I have never seen in my life, someone elses handbag and purse, and mums was no where to be seen - so we laughed lots about this .

So yesterday I will remember as a good day.

Thank you again for all the advice. I know I am going to have good and bad days and I know it is going to take me some time to get used to it. But I know mum is safe and she is not lonely any more.

Love
xxxxx