When we last had a meaningful conversation

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Alex54, May 31, 2019.

  1. Alex54

    Alex54 Registered User

    Oct 15, 2018
    136
    Male
    Newtown, Wales
    Yesterday when sitting down with my wife (PWD) the carer asked when we had last had a meaningful conversation. I started to rack my brain and to my amazement, it was nearly three years. Now we can't even discuss day to day issues, and in some respects, life is really lonely and somewhat pointless.
     
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,840
    Female
    South coast
    Yes, I am the same. I dont actually remember the last time we had a meaningful conversation, although I do remember the times when I forgot and tried to have one - he just got angry because he thought i was trying to tell him what to think. It is very lonely
     
  3. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,738
    Female
    Scotland
    I am no longer so troubled by that as my expectations have been permanently lowered. I know not to ask him to make decisions or choices because he cannot. I decide pretty much everything. Talking and discussing was a big thing with us all of our lives but it began to go awry quite some time before diagnosis. In some ways the diagnosis saved the day as it explained what was happening. So sad.
     
  4. Alex54

    Alex54 Registered User

    Oct 15, 2018
    136
    Male
    Newtown, Wales
    Thanks, Canary, I thought it was just me! My wife and I did everything together. The most difficult times now are when a carer comes in for the full day, I go into town but really have nothing to fill the gap.
     
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,078
    Kent
    Me too @marionq

    Most of our conversations for a good while pre diagnosis were painful and argumentative.
     
  6. Grahamstown

    Grahamstown Registered User

    Jan 12, 2018
    1,242
    East of England
    It is the same for me. I only talk to him about things he can understand, the weather, where we are going, and even then he has forgotten what I said almost as soon as I have said it. He asks me questions about things but he can’t seem to take it in and loses concentration.
     
  7. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    2,408
    Female
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    I have almost given up speaking to my husband. We live far from family and friends, the two of us only.
    It is frustrating.
    Luckily I have my mobile and my iPad to be connected to the rest of the world.
     
  8. rhubarbtree

    rhubarbtree Registered User

    Jan 7, 2015
    462
    North West
    Same for me. I was always the ideas person, pushing things forward and OH would either facilitate or persuade me latest idea was daft. Now I have to censor my own thoughts. And when I am in company or on the phone, I talk too much!

    Alex - your day in town reminds me of a time my son suggested I drop OH off at his house for a few hours so I could go and do something. Son was exasperated when I said I couldn't think of anything to do.
     
  9. RosettaT

    RosettaT Registered User

    Sep 9, 2018
    190
    Female
    Mid Lincs
    Pretty much the same for me. My sister keeps pushing for me get a carer in for the day once a week but why would I pay almost £200 for the day when I can't think of anything to do by myself? And if I could it's not much fun on ones own.
     
  10. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,738
    Female
    Scotland
    This is all making me reckless. I have accepted two lots of respite. One week in July at a cost of £1103! It is though a very good care home we’ve used before. I have already booked my flights to London to visit my daughters.

    I also have two weeks in September so still have to decide what I’m doing with that. Sometimes it’s sharing with others that makes you realise how dire your social life has become.
     
  11. Vic10

    Vic10 Registered User

    Feb 18, 2017
    51
    It is so lonely.
    My OH complains if I don’t discuss things with him but he can’t remember the conversations and isn’t able to help make decisions so he tries to talk me out of doing things. So, if I listened no gardening would be done, there would be no petrol in the car, no housework would be done etc etc
    We used to everything together, now it’s just me. Oh for a meaningful conversation
     
  12. PalSal

    PalSal Registered User

    Like dear Marionq-I have lived with this disease for so long now I have no expectations of discourse or conversation. I look for conversation and depend on friends for conversation. I have been making all decisions for many many years now. I remember early years where he would be disturbed because he would say I never told him what was going on....but that of course was only he could not remember what I told him. That is no longer the case he cannot remember one minute to the next. My one daughter describes it as his mind reboots every 30 seconds....the reboot is where am I , where is Sally?
    That is the limiit of his mind we believe....but who knows.
     
  13. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    1,284
    Female
    South of the Border
    I warn people when I meet them, that I never have a conversation at home, so when I meet another human being I am more than likely to talk them to death!!!!:D:eek::oops::rolleyes:o_O
     
  14. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    513
    Scotland
    Same here - If I happen to meet anyone in Tesco I tell myself to stop talking and breathe to let the other person get a word in - and I am really very quiet by nature, well I used to be but now so lonely - I long for companionship which dementia has stolen.
     
  15. Janie M

    Janie M Registered User

    Jun 12, 2018
    57
    It's been 3 years plus since we've had a meaningful conversation like married couples should do :( Any conversations revolve round what he wants, and I also find if I do get the chance I'll "talk the hind legs off a donkey " if and when I do get the chance!!
    The hardest thing a few weeks ago I bought a newer car, and how I missed discussing a major thing like this and decided on my own. Even miss the normal disagreements that married couples have!!
     
  16. Ohso

    Ohso Registered User

    Jan 4, 2018
    145
    It is lonely, this forum has been my saviour and l find myself here at all odd times of the day and night.
    I have never joined any support groups, does anyone ever arrange them through TP?
     
  17. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    1,284
    Female
    South of the Border
    I had a lovely day out with daughter and little grandchildren - so lucky - but this evening, I was more aware of lack of conversation - he has spoken once in the last 4 hours, and that was to ask me to buy him some hand cream - always, all about him.........I am facing a weekend of nothing but old TV quizzes yet again - he is currently watching the same Who Wants to be a Millionaire that he watched the other night - 2002 - did you ever see the film with Tom Hanks called 'Groundhog Day'?
     
  18. pevensey

    pevensey Registered User

    Feb 14, 2012
    102
    Oh my gosh yes, I can relate to all these posts, it's so frustrating and soul destroying just silence or the banging of his walking stick as hes trying to walk around the house. I have the radio on just to hear a voice and the music especially if it's the old 60's music. But if I go into a different room or bathroom he turns radio off, saying its rubbish or too loud. The radio is my love saver, and I talk out loud to myself a lot.
     
  19. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,840
    Female
    South coast
    Oh yes, @pevensey - I could have written your post, except that I have given up trying to listen to the radio or music. OH will also switch off the TV Im watching if I go to the loo of make coffee (usually for him) and if I say anything he says "But you wernt watching it!"
     
  20. Justmary

    Justmary Registered User

    Jul 12, 2018
    42
    Female
    West Midlands
    I haven't had a proper conversation with my husband since the time of diagnosis either, and my expectations have also been lowered. He can make short comments about the weather or food, but I am dismayed by how quickly his speech has deteriorated. He has great difficulty articulating any ideas or requests. Very sad.
     

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