When to stop correcting?

Mikstarrr

New member
Dec 6, 2021
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My wife and I are caring for my mother in law in our home. We are in the process of getting her in to a home but she has recently spiralled as we buried my father in law last week.

We were advised earlier on to challenge her recall to preserve her awareness for as long as possible. However, she is having fewer lucid interactions and it feels like we should start buying in to her version of the world rather than challenging her all the time.

How do we know when to change our approach?

She was discharged from the memory clinic and increases in medication some months ago.

M.
 

thistlejak

Registered User
Jun 6, 2020
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Is she getting distressed ,angry or agitated when you correct her? If she is then you might be better 'entering her world' and going along with things.
We had both MIL & FIL with different types of dementia and suggested quite early on to FIL to go along with his wife , unless it was dangerous . as it made his life a lot easier.
You can only try it and see if it makes any difference.
 

Mikstarrr

New member
Dec 6, 2021
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hi! Thanks for answering. I don’t know what MIL and FIL are. She does not get violent but some days she accepts the situation and some days she says the most horrific things you can imagine.

She want to go live on her own. We left her alone for an hour and she ran off and bought whiskey and drank on the street.

A lot has happened in quick succession so we have to explain 50 times a day that her husband died, we are waiting for ashes, she can’t live alone, we aren’t trying to steal her money. I’m wondering at what point we stop explaining or whether there is a better way?

M
 

thistlejak

Registered User
Jun 6, 2020
486
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Sorry MIL/FIL = mother in law/father in law
With regards to telling her that her husband has died - it is commonly thought that each time you tell her it is like the first time and she will, understandably, get upset - can you try distracting her with tea/cake/a walk or something similar. MIL still does not know that her husband has died - they were in different care homes - if she asks if we have seen him we usually say 'no, not today' - not a lie as such but it pacifies her. The staff used to say he was around somewhere/ was at work or something similar.
It is a very hard thing to do to lie to your parent but if it saves distress it is better all round.
You say you are waiting to get her into a home - how long will that take.
I will add that MIL is far more settled in her care home than she was in her own home.
 

Mikstarrr

New member
Dec 6, 2021
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It’s nice to hear someone else’s experience. Many thanks. We are hoping that the home will give her a routine which will bring her back a bit given all the recent upheaval.

Also, I need to look after my wife and kids and I want them to see Nana for the good stuff. I’m sure she would too ?
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
7,195
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Nottinghamshire
Don't explain @Mikstarrr as your mother in law won't remember things like going off, buying whisky and drinking it on the street are not good ideas. My mum would go to the local pub, drink with random men, and on at least one occasion bring them home. She knew she'd done it and she knew when you talked about it is wasn't a sensible idea, but when her brain was in a total dementia fog she'd go and do it again.
This thread https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/ might give you some ideas about how to approach things. Don't beat yourself up if you don't always manage it though.
 

Mikstarrr

New member
Dec 6, 2021
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Thanks Sarasa . I can’t say how much it helps having a sounding board. Nobody who hasn’t been through it understands.

As they say … it’s the hope that kills you.

I feel a bit better letting go.

M.