when to move to to a home

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by sooty, Sep 13, 2007.

  1. sooty

    sooty Registered User

    Feb 17, 2007
    50
    Nova Scotia Canada
    Hi
    It is being suggested to me by Mom's POA in the UK and a few of her very helpful caring friends(I am in Canada) that she is becoming more vunerable and safety is an issue in her home. She has care in twice a day, shopping is done for her by another, she goes to Day Centre once a week, a cleaner comes, a gardener comes the hairdressser comes and the chroipodist, and a neighbour takes out the rubbish,and friends take her out twice a week. Also the other lady who is POA with me takes her money each fortnight and deals with mail and bills etc and we sort her investments together over the net and he rbanking and house needs. The list of people in and out is a lot. Here is Canada I phone and organize so it all runs smoothly. A lot of people have keys. Mom's legs are very bad now and she told me she could barely walk to the centre bus even with help from her door. She can put herself to bed and is not incontinent and the care gets her up in the morning and makes sure she is dressed, meds and does meals etc. I am realizing I rely a lot on others to keep her in her home. She watches too much TV every night all alone,very loud. She has left the front door open . She has no idea about money and keeps it in the trolley. Last week a window cleaner showed up and she has now idea what she gave him money wise but gave him the key to the back. I know her friends feel responsible on a certain level and want me to move ahead but I don't think she is quite ready yet and it will be a big ordeal for us both believe me, but I feel guilty when they convey their concerns. Jennifer I want to say to you I am so sorry about your Moms death and what was the moment that moved you to begin the journey to a home. Sooty
     
  2. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,438
    Hi Sooty and thank you for your condolences.

    For me, the move to a different residential option for my mother was inevitable. The people who might have provided the sort of support you are recriving were themeselves really beyond it, and I'm not so good at asking for help anyway. I did try to put something together using paid carers but despite what one would think, I found that they weren't totally reliable. Sad but true, and even a 5% failure rate left her vulnerable. Gosh, even just thinking about raises my stress level :)

    We visited a few homes, but it was clear that although she needed more monitoring, a straight forward residential home wasn't the answer. The new paradigm is to keep people in their own homes as long as possible, with the result that many of the people in residential care are in much worse case than she was at this time. So, I started to look around for other options. An extra-care facility fit the bill for us: seperate one bedroom flat buit in the grounds of a nursing home with on site domicilliary care, cleaners, meals provided, laundry and activities. And, most important from my point of view, one person who I could call and ensure that all this was coordinated. As it happened she was there only just over a year before she needed to move into the nursing home, but at least there was continuity: many of the same carers worked in the nursing home so she had familiar faces around her, so I don't regret it one bit. ACtually, if I have any regrets it is that she didn't move to somewhere similar before the strokes: she would have got a lot out of it I think.

    I don't want to worry you, but I do think that when people start making noises about "she needs more help" what this means is that THEY are getting to the point where either they can't provide the help any longer, or do not feel comfortable with the responsibility. So, even if you don't think she's ready, it may be that her support network is about to break down. Sorry.

    Best wishes
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,894
    Kent
    Hello sooty,

    I have to agree with jennifer. It sounds as if all the people who volunteer care for your mother are now finding the responsibility too heavy.

    The bit about giving the key to the window cleaner worried me. It could have been anyone. It shows she is very vulnerable.

    It does seem as if the time has come. As your mother does not appear to have lost her social skills, she might enjoy the company of a good nursing home. When all is said and done, even with all the help she gets, she must be by herslef for quite lengthy periods.

    And the fact you have posted with this query, shows you have your own concerns.

    Take care.
     
  4. CraigC

    CraigC Registered User

    Mar 21, 2003
    6,630
    London
    Hi Sooty,

    sound like you mum is a prime candidate for some form of warden assisted or sheltered housing. This can be arranged privately or with help from the social services or council. The Elderly Accomodation Council may be a good place to start.

    They are a charity and can discuss needs and options with you. If you give them your post code they can also send out and information pack (or in your circumstances you can do much the same online).

    http://www.housingcare.org/

    Here are some specific links on the site that many help:
    Guide to housing and care options for older people

    Housing options appraisal tool (HOOP)

    Sheltered Housing or Retirement Housing

    Hope that helps
    Craig
     
  5. sooty

    sooty Registered User

    Feb 17, 2007
    50
    Nova Scotia Canada
    "The new paradigm is to keep people in their own homes as long as possible, with the result that many of the people in residential care are in much worse case than she was at this time" You are very right here Jennifer. I think of what she can still do; move from one room to another on a level surface, dress/undress, wash herself/no bath but puts a shower on and gets on steps to get in an sits on chair, get on and off the toilet, continent, does not need constant supervision, can eat cold food from the fridge when care is not around to give her meals. Her social worker wants a transition to more days at Centre, but stay in her home, but she is refusing this as its too much she says. I will do some investigation of facilities around Solihull that meet her needs like your mothers. She has another geriatric assessment soon . We shall see what that says too. Three weeks ago we had to call an ambulance; it is most likely she had another mini stroke,as the whole weekend was lost to her, and for awhile she was out of touch with reality and she paniced. I had hoped that they would have conveyed her to hospitlal but they stayed and checked her vitals for sometime then left knowing care was there and it passed. I wished they had admitted her as this would help me move ahead. I have looked at the cost of 'sleep in' help and I am lucky that money is not a problem but if I go this route she might as well be out of the house. I will be dreading this next stage as she has a house full of stuff she knows and a big garden that she loves to look at though she does think others are planting things in it, and I don't want her to move then see her go down hill fast. This is what people warn me.
     
  6. sooty

    sooty Registered User

    Feb 17, 2007
    50
    Nova Scotia Canada
    Thank you Craig for those links. I will have a good read of them. Her doctor is very good and loves her and hates to see her leave too and visits whenever I may wish and coodinates with care very well and her social worker and is of the philosphy that we all pull together to keep her happy which she is. He and I have to come together for a good talk when I am next over which could be anytime as I am always on alert for that phone call.
     
  7. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,438
    Sooty: my mother's facility wasn't far from Solihull (just outside Coventry). If you want the name PM me.
     
  8. sooty

    sooty Registered User

    Feb 17, 2007
    50
    Nova Scotia Canada
    I will do this Jennifer. Thanks
     
  9. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    I am disturbed that people keep telling me of organisations that can keep relatives in their home and yet I never knew of any when mum went in to the home and perhaps I should have done. The social worker just told me there was no care other than emergency care for a couple of nights. They all knew we weren't penniless, so I am now worrying that I have made the wrong choice in putting mum into a care home, perhaps she could have stayed in her own home after all? She'd have been much happier there than she is now.

    Please tell me not, cos I am about to exchange contracts on it.

    Oh hell. What a worry. I am in tears, thinking I have done it wrong.

    Margaret
     
  10. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,438
    To be honest, Margaret, for all but the extremely wealthy, in home care simply isn't financially doable: at rates of between £10-£15 an hour from private domicilliary care companies you can see that you can quickly go over a sustainable rate. Anyway, I sort of remember that your mother was a night wanderer no? So you would have needed at the very minimum nightime care (for which I was quoted £12 per hour). 8-8 7 days a week = £1008 per week. Gulp.
     
  11. strawberrywhip

    strawberrywhip Registered User

    Jun 26, 2006
    76
    kent
    Just another thought as well ..your mother is entitled to a joint assesment with the care manager and district nurseto identify at your mothers holistic needs; and in particular her mobility and mental state. . One of the major problems when people come into hospital is getting them home again when their mobility is failing ..and if you go for sheltered accomodation it may be a very short term solution. It would be a shame to do to many moves..it is worth thinking about looking for a dual registered home : residential and nursing so that if her mobility declines significantly then she wont have to make another big move. Also you need a clear psychiatric assesement so the right place is found for her ...will she need EMI placement? The joint assesment will identify these needs.
    The worst thing is to make a big move and then have to do it again.
    I find many patients come in and are unable to return home because voluntary carers ..good neighbours etc say ..we just can`t do it anymore. Sounds as though this is what is happening.
    Best of luck with everything
     
  12. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Hi Sooty, your mum sounds very similar to mine just now.

    Primary issues just now are around her safety and without the support of her wonderful neighbours I would not be confident about her being in her home even now, (keyholders, 'curtain twitchers' - in the nicest possible way, God bless them!) even tho she is continent, can manage her personal hygiene (to some degree) without assistance ..... etc etc .... She seems far removed from residential care .... but I appreciate even living a few minutes drive away that is only with a support network that is not just for mum - but neighbours who have known me since 'knee high to a grasshopper' and therefore help me too ......

    Just a thought ...... but when I checked in with one of mum's neighbours yesterday, he expressed frustration - not at what he feels he needs to do for mum (or indirectly me for that matter) but that mum refuses help when offered (tidying garden between gardener coming etc) ...... We had a lovely chat about how feistily independent she tries to be, and sees offers of help as challenging what she is capable of doing herself .....

    I just wonder whether the 'neighbours' are getting the same kind of refusal (and sheer ungratefulness!!!!) that my mother displays to hers .....

    On another note, thanks Jennifer for pointing out the financial implications of 'keeping them at home'. It must be 12 months since I discussed with my Outreach worker mum's determination to always remain in her own home. I recall the 'hypothetical' conversation in which I was told not to worry - 24/7 care could be provided ...... well, maybe she hadn't thought of the maths ..... Quite how we find (gulp) £1000 a week just for sleep-ins without selling the house she is determined to live in ...... ????? And then that would stretch only how many weeks, only she wouldn't have the house to live in anyway????

    Sorry, Sooty ..... wish there was more I could say to help

    Love, Karen, x
     
  13. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,438
    Dear Karen

    I think I should point out that that was just the area where my mother was: they had absolutely no night-time care available so it was private or nothing. It may be that in your area they are set up to provide that, so it may be that the scoial worker was right on the ball with that one. It's down to the post code lottery of course: some areas are much more geared up to this. And of course, there are other options that have been discussed on other threads: employing live-in help is just one example. To be honest, being as far away as I am that didn't really seem to be an option for us: there was no way my mother was capable of employing someone, with all that entails, plus the necessity of keeping an eye on that person, but for you, they may be an option when the time comes.

    Love
     
  14. dave b

    dave b Registered User

    Nov 21, 2006
    63
    staffs
    karen, i know what you mean! mom is the same one day is reasonable next day out of order
    today,sunday is the first day i have not taken shopping for weeks i realy dont know why? maybe i was arsi'e bad morning? she has ben great rest of the day
    must still look at homes my girlfriend & neighbours keep an eye out for her but it's not fair on them any suggestions?(i know the ss are useless)
     
  15. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Hi Dave,

    Sorry only just caught up with your post. Couple of suggestions:

    It's nice of you to think 'it's not fair on them' - but you know, they might be glad of feeling able to help in anyway. Alternatively, I do confess I quite often pop round to mum's neighbours with a bottle of something - brandy for those at number 10, red wine for number 8 - you get the drift!!!!;) )

    I confess I have made little headway with SS myself - but have gained most support through either Age Concern or mum's CPN and OT. They are now looking at introducing 'detector systems' in her home. In our area it's called 'Care on Call' - various devices (smoke detectors, fall detectors etc) linked to a central point from where they can 'speak' to her directly in the home and/or contact nominated people (i.e. me or emergency services directly if necessary) if alarms are triggered. Not sure how mum will cope with the technology but .... anything that promotes her safety has to be worth a try ..... Just need a robot to check where she stashes her rancid food and I've cracked it! :rolleyes:

    Have you checked this out? http://www.staffordshire.gov.uk/health/care/ Seems similar schemes are in operation in some form or other nationwide.

    Good luck! Love, Karen, x
     

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