When to move mum in to care?

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by dorsetgirl3, Jul 26, 2018.

  1. dorsetgirl3

    dorsetgirl3 New member

    Jul 26, 2018
    Hello All
    My Mum is in the later middle stage of this disease (I think)
    She has been with me for a weeks holiday and the decline is so much more apparant....she takes the pictures off the wall every night in her room and yesterday we woke to find the wardrobe in that room had been pulled over all and the pictures were off the wall. I do not know why this happens ...any ideas?

    I am also getting more and more concerned about her being home alone
    She lives 5 hours from me and an hour away from my sister but we do have private carers come in every day to make her lunch and make sure tablets are taken, and my sister visits every week to tae her out for lunch and grocery shopping
    Her hygiene is declining rapidly but still has enough understanding to know she does not want to leave her house.

    Do we just look for a home and move her?

    Thanks for listening :)
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
  3. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    N Ireland
    Hello @dorsetgirl3, welcome to TP from me too. I hope you find the forum to be a friendly, informative and supportive place.

    I see that you have been linked to an AS Factsheet and these publications are a wonderful source of information. Here's a link to another relevant one for you https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/sites/default/files/migrate/downloads/changes_in_behaviour.pdf

    If you want to explore the full list of AS Publications you can find it here https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

    As to moving in to a home; FWIW when my wife was diagnosed the dementia nurse told me that all efforts are made to keep people in their own home until safety becomes an issue.

    If you think the time is right it may be a good idea to try some periods of respite first to see how your Mum gets on.

    In the meantime, it may be worth a visit to the GP to see if anxiety(a common feature in dementia) is causing the problems - or even an infection such as a UTI which is a big possibility in the current hot weather. Either of these problems could cause an increase in symptoms but can be assisted with medication.
  4. nellbelles

    nellbelles Volunteer Host

    Nov 6, 2008
    Hello @dorsetgirl3 a warm welcome from me as well to TP

    have either you or your sister contacted SS for needs assessment?
    I wonder if another view point would help?
  5. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    From experience, I would say it's time when the person is really no longer safe to be left alone even for short periods.
    Or when family doing their best to care simply can't cope any more.
    Or both.

    As for the person not wanting to leave their home, sadly I have to say that it's usually par for the course. I dare say 99%+ of people, with or without dementia, would say, if asked, that they they don't want to go into a care home.

    For my mother, who was pretty bad by then (as per my first sentence) we arranged a nice care home without discussing it with her at all, Not our choice, but unfortunately there was no other way, since although the need had become urgent, she'd only have refused to go. Why would she, when according to her there was nothing wrong with her?

    Since she was self funded we did not need to involve social services, and to be frank we didn't need anybody else to assess her needs, when we could see and understand these all too clearly for ourselves.

    All best wishes at what I know is such a difficult time.
  6. Amethyst59

    Amethyst59 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2017
    THANK YOU. I’m just sitting waiting till it’s time to take my husband to a care home...we’re all packed. He was in supported living but that didn’t work out (!) and I thought, if we had a conventional marriage and lived in the same house, I could have kept him home for longer. In short, I’m feeling guilty. Then I read this post. I needed to go get batteries for his radio this morning, and asked my daughter to sit with him while I went (ten min trip) in case he wandered out of the house. I won’t keave him alone...even for short periods...so the right decision has been made.
  7. father ted

    father ted Registered User

    Aug 16, 2010
    Totally agree with Witzend,

    Because your Mum has been staying with you, you now have a 24 hour perspective that you can't glean from just a visit. Naturally you are concerned and from what you say Carers popping in does not sound that this is really going to be workable for much longer. Your Mum may want to remain in her home- that's what we all would want but it is not always practical. Do finances allow for live in care? This worked for a while for a member of my family but she was on occasions very resentful of having a 'stranger' in her private space and showed her displeasure.

    In my case my Mum lived with me for 8 years. In that time I was also working part time and caring for my disabled daughter. When I could cope no longer Mum went into a home, quite willingly as it turned out. She was waking up around 7 times a night and calling out for me. I got no sleep and was irritable and tearful all the time. She refused to have Carers come in and the GP would not put her on any stronger sedation at night as he felt it increased her risk of falls. I got no support so I visited several homes in my not very spare time and put her name down for 2. Fortunately a place came up quickly. Mum is quite content there and their routine means she eats and drinks regularly, dresses, has company all the time etc. Do I feel guilty? Yes, all the time. I still feel I have not been a good enough daughter but then because I am now much less stressed I am probably a better Mother and wife.
  8. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    East Midlands
    Hi & welcome to TP!
    Usually if you are asking this question, then it generally means that you think deep down that your mum does need to go into a care home.

    Care home admission can follow a period of crisis usually after a stay in hospital or the fact that you feel your mum would not be safe living on her own.

    Both of these factors influenced my decision even though my mum had the standard 4 care calls a day, she was on her own & vulnerable at night. Her dementia had progressed to such a stage after a chest infection & a number of seizures that she was deemed to have no capacity which sped up her admission.

    Care home admission wasn’t discussed with my mum as she would not have understood so she still thinks she is in some sort of hospital environment & we don’t disagree with it. Neither do we mention her home as it would add to confusion & distress.
  9. Blodski

    Blodski Registered User

    Sep 3, 2017
    My mum was moved to respite after she started wandering in the night and my Dad was really struggling to look after her. From there, she went into permanent care a few days later. Social Services made the decision as they deemed the risk of her staying at home was too great. But they can only make that decision if the PWD has no capacity. Since she has moved into a care home, I think she is more relaxed, and is being well fed. She has regular visitors too. It's not something we would ever wish, but sometimes the needs of a person outweigh their wants in the name of safety and peace of mind. Have you asked SS to do an assessment?
  10. vicx

    vicx Registered User

    Sep 11, 2017
    We have same problem, mum lives alone, but spends 8hrs a day with myself or sister. We were told by ss that she's not at risk and we are probably holding off a crisis. We are aware of this, and we are trying to convince mum to look at extra care housing. In an ideal world she would go into this supported system and enjoy activities, and people around all the time, she's a social creature, but this makes her vulnerable. I'm not going to lie , I find the whole situation incredibly stressful, and yes this option would give me my family time back. If we left her to her own devices yes it would probably create a crisis, but I just can't do that to my mum.

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