When to move a parent into a care facility

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
835
Take it one step at a time @PRGirl. Don't talk about going into a home, but that mum is going on a little break as work needs to be done on her home. That is true, if the wiring in dangerous it needs to be done. I don't know about the home you've chosen for your mum but my mum was originally going in for a couple of weeks respite because of my brother being in hospital and me going on holiday. Then we decided to actually move her in as a permanent resident, as I could cancel with one month's notice, and I really knew she wouldn't have been safe to have returned home anyway. So if it doesn't work out you will have options.
You are not getting rid of her, and if any of her friends or other relations tell you that pull them up. You will still be caring for her, visiting her, sorting things out, but in an environment that is safer for her and that gives you peace of mind. When I moved mum in I was in a right state about it all, but the care home staff were very supportive of me as well as my mother, and now it feels a bit like another home, I was handing out cups of tea and doing the washing up while mum was dancing with a singer they'd got in for them all yesterday.
It's a different life for your mum, but not a worse one, and in many ways it could turn out to be a much better one, even if your mum claims it isn't.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,300
South coast
Do you know why the relatives are against her moving into a care home? Usually it is either because they dont believe that the person with dementia is that bad, or else they can see their "inheritance" dwindling.
I think a robust reply is the answer. When I was looking at care homes for mum my brother (known on here as an "invisible", because you never saw him) said he didnt want mum to go into a care home, so I simply said that she was too bad for me to look after, but if he could do a better job he was welcome to have her come and live with him. I never heard any more about it
 

wanderer22

New member
Jan 15, 2020
6
My mum is currently in hospital, following an unplanned admission when they decided she couldn't come home. Carers 4 times a day, I work office hours, but home in the evening and at night. Not enough though - she was alone between carers.... left the front door open and crossed a busy road to go off to the supermarket for biccies. I woke up at 4am to hear her opening the front door in her pyjamas because 'a man told her to go out'. Would poke the door keys out through the letterbox so people could let themselves in as she couldn't get the key in the lock. If it wasn't for the carers she would still be living off jam on toast! So the hospital are arranging the transfer to a nursing home at the moment.
Then her aunt asks me if I'm doing the right thing! Then next minute says she would only leave mum on her own for an hour, if she was watching tv. Well YES I'M DOING THE RIGHT THING. It's not what I want at all, but it's about getting mum somewhere people can look after her 24/7, and she'll be safe. However, try and tell her that and she has a major hysterical meltdown, swearing and everyone including doctors, and bursts into tears.
But, like everyone else on here, the past year has been hell. Mum has become more frightened of everything. Can't communicate sometimes. Won't even come out with me now. I've broken down at work in tears. Can't sleep properly as I'm listening out for her. At breaking point. No future, no breaks, no hope.
So, the unplanned complete change where the hospital wouldn't let her come home has been a godsend for me, for her, for the whole family. They've previously been in somewhat denial about her condition, but now are thankfully totally supportive. I've always been the strong one, and I've been blubbing with all of them, so now they really understand I can't cope anymore, she's worse than they realised, and she needs more help than I can provide.
I'm worried about her not liking the nursing home at all, but it is for the best all round.
I love my mum very much, crying again now, but I can't do it any more.
Wish I'd found this forum long ago.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,300
South coast
Hello @wanderer22 and welcome to DTP. Im sorry it had to come to a crisis before your mum got the support she needed, but it does seem to be a common theme on these boards. Im sure your mum will settle down (though it may take a while) and whatever happens - do not feel guilty. Dementia will take everything that you have and still want more. Your mum is now safe and cared for.
 

PRGirl

New member
Jan 13, 2020
7
I moved Mum today and it was tough to say the least. I am stil thinking it will be a couple of months while I have work done at house but it remains to be seen, She was mostly okay although did keep asking why she had to be there and I just kept explaining.meanwhile she saw the chiropodist and she was escorted for a tour by a handsome young male nurse and her face lit up. I left and her sister will go tomorrow. I am sure she will complain but she might enjoy some of it. I hope so
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
473
Hi @PRGirl, that is a really tough day, and so have the past few weeks for you. I hope that your Mum does settle and begins to appreciates the support and people around her. You have had to deal with a lot of resistance which must be so soul destroying when you are only doing it for the one that you love. Stay strong, keep posting. All the best.
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
341
Do you know why the relatives are against her moving into a care home? Usually it is either because they dont believe that the person with dementia is that bad, or else they can see their "inheritance" dwindling.
I think a robust reply is the answer. When I was looking at care homes for mum my brother (known on here as an "invisible", because you never saw him) said he didnt want mum to go into a care home, so I simply said that she was too bad for me to look after, but if he could do a better job he was welcome to have her come and live with him. I never heard any more about it
You are spot on there @canary inheritance is so often in the background and I firmly believe that those who aren't involved in the care aren't entitled to an opinion - unless they decide to take over care themselves. I know there's no way my partner would be able to live alone and if it wasn't for me living with him then he would have to be in a care home too. The PWDs safety is paramount.
 

copsham2

New member
Dec 19, 2018
8
Hi Bunpootd thank you for responding .i have booked the room today and will move her in two weeks . Strangely she managed to hang onto the story and tell her neighbours . Two have been telling me for ages it is time but one started crying and saying if only your brother was here you could share the load but I think it has gone beyond that, To look at Mum you could think she was okayish until you tried to have any kind of conversation . She had told two separate people she didn’t see me at Christmas and had friends over or went to her sisters / not the case I picked her up and she had forgotten and was having a bowl of microwaved coleslaw. Lunch was eaten and she became anxious about getting home and not wanting to be a bother and in the end I took her home. Her reality is so different from the facts and on this basis I think she is too vulnerable to live alone with 3 hours of care a day. I could get more care but she is still alone at night in a house with stairs. The live in thing just didn’t work for her or the carer. I can’t live with her as I run a business and I would go mad myself Still feel bad though as she loves her house
Hope you are okay? How are your plans going? It is a hard time. I remember being more upset than my mother on the day she went in! She was a bit oblivious and I was feeling so guilty. Best wishes.
 

PRGirl

New member
Jan 13, 2020
7
Apologies for radio silence. Mum has now been in residential care for 2.5 weeks. It is tough going. She is still on the floor with the folk with very bad dementia who sleep most of the time but she is strangely oblivious to this. She has had more visitors than she has at home but feels lonely but takes part in the various activities on the floor with the folk who have medium requirements or just have health issues. When I visit I take her up there and try to engage with some of the other residents . What it has made me realise is how Mum has deteriorated. She seems unable to engage with others and most of her comments are negative. When I visit or indeed some others she says have you come to get me and today started to cry but stopped as quickly. She confuses me with her mother and her sister and has little chat unless it is to repeat a negative story about an apparent resident who said we don’t want people like you here. I have no idea if this is true. Her friends visited her yesterday and again she was negative about them talking about a book that had been borrowed and not returned. I took her to the memory clinic this week and she was more muddled than ever talking about how she makes her own food but doesn’t like cooking etc I notice it more because at her house chat was difficult so I would just busy myself with coming and washing but now it is just conversation it is so apparent how bad she is. The family rift continues with one sister not speaking. She visits but took Mum out in the garden on her first visit and Mum fell and had quite a bruise on her hand. The home called me but nothing from my aunt which I found amazing.

I wonder if visits make Mum worse - of course I will continue as will my other aunt and my son but I do wonder a bit if it is counter productive and causes more distress.

Also amazingly I thought her diagnosis was 2018 or 2017 when it was 2015 which shocked me and she was very confused then.