1. heatherd96

    heatherd96 Registered User

    Nov 14, 2006
    2
    Northern Ireland
    Hi this is my first time here!

    My mum has alzeheimers, she's only 66. We always had a very strong bond, but over the past 3 years this has disappeared. The progression of alzheimers has been remarkable, not aided by a recent 2 week stay in hospital.

    She used to accuse me of stealing etc from her and the language was quite abrupt, but even this has stopped now. In all purposes my mum has gone.

    My problem is my dad, he's the one who is with her 24/7, she follows him like a lapdog, he can't get any respite and is very hesitant to accept help. Yesterday I called at the house and was met with a rather unpleasant smell. On investigation I discovered that mum had soiled herself and had rolled it into a ball and place it on a table in the bathroom. Dad then admitted to me that she has started to do this every day, and he had to throw out her handbag as she had put some in there too. The look on his face was just utter failure, I'm sure he doesn't know what to do now and he is such a proud man, he just wants to look after her (Ithink there is a lot of guilt there).

    He is waiting on homehelp to be organised, but we've been waiting for over a month now. Is there any suggestions as to what I can do to help. I have 3 young children and work full time, so I can't always be there, but I do as much as I can. I know it's the last thing he wants, but when does the time come when you put someone you love in a home and how do you deal with it and accept it yourself???????
    :confused:
     
  2. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    Have you spoken or written to her GP and social services?

    Lila
     
  3. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    1,665
    Hi Heather

    Welcome to tp, i'm sure you'll find lots of support here.

    Its difficult to tell from one post, how much help your dad has asked for or how much he is recieving, but from what you've said, i think your dad needs more than a homehelp.
    Have you discussed the options of help available to your dad?............Information and Fact Sheets can be helpful in aiming you in the right direction...............I think at this point i would be involving your mums GP, Consultant (if she has one) and Social Worker and discuss the options available with them.

    I would also be looking into the availability and financial costs of respite and nursing care, so that you have all the details to hand, should you decide to take that route. (a lot of this can be done through the internet)

    I'm sure lots of others who have been in your situation will follow-on with advice and ideas on how to help.

    Good luck and best wishes
    Love Alex x
     
  4. heatherd96

    heatherd96 Registered User

    Nov 14, 2006
    2
    Northern Ireland
    Hi,

    As far as I know he has spoken to the GP and social services, but I don't know exactly what he tells them. I think he won't admit things unless pushed. Likes to try to keep everything under control and pretend to me and my brother or rather more so my brother that things are ok.

    Thanks for answering I really didn't expect replies so quickly!
    :)
     
  5. MJK

    MJK Registered User

    Oct 22, 2004
    54
    #5 MJK, Nov 14, 2006
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2006
    If you have a helpful GP (they seem to vary a lot) you could maybe talk (or write) to him/her yourself, just to fill them in on what's actually happening. I know that some GP's won't discuss things with familes but personally I've been able to discuss both my parents with their GP's. (I guess it partly depends on how your Dad might feel about this, and maybe how tactful the GP is)

    I don't know what sort of diagnosis etc you've had, but in Mum's case once she was referred to the Memory Clinic we were then contacted by Social Workers, Occupational Therapists etc and given more information about what help was available (e.g. carers, incontinence advisors, day centres etc). From my experience though, everything started from the GP having a good understanding of the situation.

    Don't know about this bit though, we've not got to that stage yet. I TRY to deal with current problems rather than worry about what's round the corner (don't often succeed though!)

    HTH

    mjk
     
  6. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex
    Hi Heather

    Don't think of residential care as "putting her in a home", it's sometimes the only choice, but can work extremely well for sufferers and their families.

    You obviously love both your parents very much and if there does come a time that your Dad can't manage at home, she will be cared for 24/7 in a safe environment.

    My Mum has been in residential care for 2 years now, she used to beg "don't lock me up in a home", but when the time came, following Dad's death, it was the right decision for all of us, she is safe, well looked after and we visit as often as we like.

    For the moment, have your Mum's medication checked out and push hard for respite for a few days to give your Dad a chance to rest up, he must be exhausted.

    Take care

    Kathleen
     
  7. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    I echo what Kathleen has to say. Nell
     
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,652
    Kent
    Heather, Does your father think it`s up to him to care for your mother? If so perhaps you can persuade him there`s no shame in asking for help.

    If he is too proud to ask, maybe you could offer to ask for him. It`s always easier to ask for someone else, than to ask for yourself.

    It sounds as if your father is at risk too. It all sounds too much for him to cope with.
     
  9. Hi Heather i know how you feel my mum is now in hospital and ive been told she will probably be in care for the rest of her life. And my mum is 51. I didnt have any experiance of my mum slowly getting worse it just seems to have been 3 stages forgetful, Not knowing what to do, and now the stage she is at now she don't know me or my sister we are both really struggling to cope at the moment. And as ive said in one of my posts its the worst thing that has ever happened to me.


    Take care

    Mark
     
  10. Jann

    Jann Registered User

    May 24, 2006
    39
    tingewick, bucks.
    Hiya Heather,

    Your father sounds very much like mine. I would suggest - as has already been mentioned - a call to social services yourself so that at least they are informed of the situation and you can, hopefully, move things on for some respite for your dad.

    My father has a problem telling social services exactly what is happening, mainly as Mum is always present and he doesn't want to embarrass her or receive her wrath when they have left the house.

    I called social services ' behind his back' as though I offered to call on his behalf on a number of occasions, he asked me not to - he didn't want them to think we were pestering. Nevertheless, after much deliberation I felt I simply had to and am pleased I did as they are now up to date on Mum's deterioration and have now organised a visit to assess his needs as a carer.

    I hope this helps and wish you all my very best with it.
     
  11. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,652
    Kent
    Jann, I think you`ve covered such an important point, re `going behind his back`. Sometimes, parents caring for spouses are so emotionally involved, so intent on not letting them down, so riddled with guilt, it`s only another family member who can view the situation, a little bit more objectively, and see the whole picture.

    I know I find it so much easier to fight for someone else than to fight for myself. This is not because I`m so noble, it`s because my emotions are more in control.

    `Going behind backs` in my opinion, in these cases, is thoroughly justified.

    Sylvia
     
  12. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    That is probably how my brother justified it when he went behind my back. Very confusing.
     
  13. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,652
    Kent
    Sorry Lila, if I said the wrong thing. Sometimes the `right thing is wrong` in certain circmstances.
    I only know that most people act with best intentions but a minority have an ulterior motive. We can `interfere` or `help`. It`s the luck of the draw.
     
  14. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    I didn't think it was "the wrong thing".



    Lila
     

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