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when those little moments knock you for six...

Soobee

Registered User
Aug 22, 2009
2,734
South
I had a lovely day yesterday celebrating my birthday but was suddenly hit by a huge wave of grief in the afternoon when we had been sitting in the pub.

We had been eating some cheesy garlic bread and I thought about my dad's joy in eating this in the last year or two of his life. My mum never allowed him to eat anything strongly smelling of garlic because she said it made her feel ill. So when she had to go into a care home he was able to try a lot of different foods and he couldn't get enough of cheesy garlic bread! Seeing his joy eating it was sublime.

I was also thinking about my 40th birthday, five years ago, where we went to a restaurant called Dans Le Noir, which is totally in the dark, you can't see anything, you don't know what you're eating or drinking and you can't even see your hands. Blind waiters guide you to your bench seats. I remembered describing the experience to my dad who was in hospital again at this point - about a month before he died- and him saying "oh I am not sure I would have liked that at all".

I don't often burst into tears in a public place these days (I did when he first died) but I just sat in the car for a couple of minutes until my emotions subsided. I'm remembering 5 years ago but it was as clear as yesterday.

I guess I'm posting it because I suspect other people have similar surges of grief, and I hope that you can take some comfort in not feeling you're the only one who still gets them.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,670
Kent
Oh dear Soobee.

I think we become particularly vulnerable to these surges of grief when we are celebrating occasions when it has been usual to share them with those now departed. It`s when the memories come flooding back.

Good memories are treasures even when they are emotional.
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
10,895
Merseyside
I'm sorry the memories upset you Soobee but what lovely memories to have.
Belated happy birthday xx
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,563
Ireland
Belated happy birthday from me too, Soobee. Yes, sometimes something will trigger a memory that will knock us for six. But as time goes on, sometimes a memory will makes us smile too. And that is a lovely memory, of your dad tucking into his cheesy garlic bread!
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
61,069
68
Dundee
Bittersweet memories indeed Sue. I can imagine that wave of grief. These waves just seem to hit when you're far from expecting it.

I've seen those 'dark' dinners advertised in a place near St Andrews. An interesting idea.

I hope you've had a good day today. Soon be seeing you in Launde!
 

jan.s

Registered User
Sep 20, 2011
7,352
68
I'm sorry to hear that you've had a sad time Soo, but it's so good that dad managed to enjoy these things. I hope your day has improved. x
 

Gwendy1

Registered User
Feb 9, 2016
414
Glasgow
I cried in my garden yesterday, remembering mum had bought the rose bush I was tending. She died 3years ago this march. In all honesty, I think about her daily- mostly happy memories. Every time I see dad in the care home, her picture looks down at me.❤I hope your birthday made some new happy memories for you too. Thank you for sharing this. Made me feel not quite so silly for my crying at a rose bush! X


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

Soobee

Registered User
Aug 22, 2009
2,734
South
Thank you everyone who has commented. I agree with you Grannie G, I appreciate these memories to treasure, even if they evoke strong emotion.

I think about both my parents nearly every day, but when they were alive and well we only used to see them once every couple of months at most. It seems odd to think about them so much more than I did when they were around. Does that mean I took it for granted they'd be there? I used to agonise over whether to cut them out of my life completely (because of some horrible things mum said and did) but am glad I didn't. I don't dwell on the negatives these days, I just try to think of better memories.
 

2jays

Registered User
Jun 4, 2010
11,598
West Midlands
Thank you everyone who has commented. I agree with you Grannie G, I appreciate these memories to treasure, even if they evoke strong emotion.

I think about both my parents nearly every day, but when they were alive and well we only used to see them once every couple of months at most. It seems odd to think about them so much more than I did when they were around. Does that mean I took it for granted they'd be there? I used to agonise over whether to cut them out of my life completely (because of some horrible things mum said and did) but am glad I didn't. I don't dwell on the negatives these days, I just try to think of better memories.
Holding your hand tight. Squishy hugs

Xxxx
 

sunray

Registered User
Sep 21, 2008
1,440
East Coast of Australia
Four and a half years for me for both my Mum and my husband Ray and certainly from time to time I cry a river of tears. I cry for each of them on special occasions, for birthdays, Mother's or Father's Day, Easter ( we used to go away for a long weekend) or Christmas. Also when I come across something special Mum or Dad gave me. I think that is just part of a continuing feeling of loss and everyone does it to a greater or lesser extent.
 

stanleypj

Registered User
Dec 8, 2011
10,707
North West
My wife is still alive, but I regularly feel surges of sadness when I'm reminded of good times we won't experience again. Also we did a lot of walking locally and I'm sure it helped to keep Sue mobile. I walk a lot now but, unless I deliberately drive somewhere where we never walked, I am regularly reminded of our walks together. These were by no means always good times. But they appear so in retrospect.

I can only imagine what it must feel like sometimes when your loved one has passed away. My heart goes out to you all.
 

Mac4

Registered User
May 21, 2016
12
The memories hurt and sooth all at the same time and throw you for a loop. It is nearly two years since my mom passed and sometimes it feels like only yesterday. My mom loved her tea and would lash the dregs (much to our horror) against the side of the house (outside) when she was ready for a refill. I, unconsciously, did the same thing today while sitting outside and my husband and I looked at each other and burst out laughing.
 

jan.s

Registered User
Sep 20, 2011
7,352
68
My wife is still alive, but I regularly feel surges of sadness when I'm reminded of good times we won't experience again. Also we did a lot of walking locally and I'm sure it helped to keep Sue mobile. I walk a lot now but, unless I deliberately drive somewhere where we never walked, I am regularly reminded of our walks together. These were by no means always good times. But they appear so in retrospect.

I can only imagine what it must feel like sometimes when your loved one has passed away. My heart goes out to you all.
Hi, I walk in places I used to share with Roger, and one in particular was place we walked to discuss business issues, so not always "happy" chatting, but a place we shared. Thankfully I have my little dog to amuse me when out walking, but nothing replaces my lovely man, even during the difficult days, we were a team.
 

Saffie

Registered User
Mar 26, 2011
22,506
Near Southampton
O goodness me Soo, how have I missed this thread? I am so sorry. I can understand totally how these things hit you without a second's notice and indeed posted about it happening to me last week on the Widows and widowers thread. Such moments do really hit hard don't they. We can be prepared ourselves for anniversaries but not these and it is usually something small that sets them off. Birthdays can make us feel more emotional too. xxx

I guess you must know that your description of the Dans le Noir restaurant fills me with horror! :eek:
 

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