When mom would talk of dead relatives I at first would gauge the day as to good or bad if I thought she could handle it I would say she/he is gone. If I thought she couldn't and would pass it off as...their on vacation, at work, visiting relatives....etc. It usually handled it and she would forget the request and all would be fine. Like old memories not meant to beat down sometimes reminding her that she forgot a death was like the end of the world and it just wasn't worth the pain she went thru.
There will be times that you will find the truth works and then there will be times you will find a white lie works also. It's sad to say, but that what it comes to to keep your own sanity and peace in the house at times.
My mother went through a long phase of asking for her mother. I would say "She's fine - same as always". When she'd say she wanted to go visit, I'd agree and say "Yes, maybe tomorrow or the day after" and then change the subject.
At the beginning when I told her the truth - my grandmother died in 1970 - there would be floods of tears & "Why didn't anyone tell me?" etc etc. I soon learned to lie and distract.
I used to tell Rupert that his mother and father were dead when he asked, but now I just say, they're not here at the moment, maybe we'll see them tomorrow and he's happy with that and has forgotten asking after a bit.
These replies are really helpful. I think I'll follow your advice!
Thank you for taking the time to reply - I will make sure I do the same when I have some experience under my belt!
Love to you both
When my mam first started talking about seeing her mam we used to tell her the best way we could that she was dead but when she went into the care home and started asking when her mam was going to visit her we just went along with her and said we didn't know, she was busy at the moment. It really seems to work so maybe it is the best way - maybe won't work all the time but it's worth a try.
With this I think we have to 'go with the flow'.
My husband frequently goes to phone his Mum and Dad I just gently remind him that they would probably be 110 by now - he then says 'oh are they dead then?'.
Then he will detail the ages and demise of aunts and uncles.
It seems to work. I accept there may be a stage when he will be upset by their deaths - but it is a case of 'day by day'.
I am sure each case is different and we can only do the best we can.
In a way, it's good to know that all cases are different and every day is different. And my goodness it keeps you on your toes - we had our first real laughter yesterday when my 12-year-old daughter found her grandad drying up the washing-up with her best pants!!!! Thank you for your reply.
Just so you know there's another of us out there with the same problem. My Mum has just not accepted that my Dad died a few months ago. Every time I told her, she got anxious and said "why didn't anyone tell me?". Now I've simply stopped saying that because I don't want to cause her more distress. I just say "he's not here, I don't know where he is at the moment, but don't worry".
Sadly her home is just down the road from the churchyard where Dad's ashes are buried, but I don't suppose I'll ever take her there.
My dad is just beginning to settle a bit after the death of my mum a couple of weeks ago.
It was like some cruel Groundhog Day every half hour. Where is she? And each time I told him she had died was the first time he had heard it.He would either go melo-dramatic, very sad or very nasty and insist I was up to something.
Now he is better but occasionally asks where everyone is. There's only him and I here.
I sometimes wonder if he's been seeing ghosts!
Confusion arises when i say mum, as in my mum, and he thinks I mean HIS mum. He also thought it was HIS mum who had just died. Now I have to refer to my mum as Connie to avoid the confusion.
There's something reassuring about knowing this is going on for others too.