When they talk of dead relatives?

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by cescaclem, Jun 17, 2008.

  1. cescaclem

    cescaclem Registered User

    Jun 15, 2008
    12
    London
    Hello!
    When my father-in-law asks if he's going to see his Granny, what should I say? This is cropping up occasionally and I'm not sure how to respond.
    Thank you!!!
    Francesca x
     
  2. citybythesea

    citybythesea Registered User

    Mar 23, 2008
    632
    coast of texas
    Dear Ces..

    When mom would talk of dead relatives I at first would gauge the day as to good or bad if I thought she could handle it I would say she/he is gone. If I thought she couldn't and would pass it off as...their on vacation, at work, visiting relatives....etc. It usually handled it and she would forget the request and all would be fine. Like old memories not meant to beat down sometimes reminding her that she forgot a death was like the end of the world and it just wasn't worth the pain she went thru.

    There will be times that you will find the truth works and then there will be times you will find a white lie works also. It's sad to say, but that what it comes to to keep your own sanity and peace in the house at times.

    HUGS

    Nancy
     
  3. cescaclem

    cescaclem Registered User

    Jun 15, 2008
    12
    London
    Thank you Nancy!

    I don't know what I would do without access to all you wonderful people out there sharing your experiences!
    Love
    Francesca x
     
  4. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,103
    Toronto, Canada
    Francesa,
    My mother went through a long phase of asking for her mother. I would say "She's fine - same as always". When she'd say she wanted to go visit, I'd agree and say "Yes, maybe tomorrow or the day after" and then change the subject.

    At the beginning when I told her the truth - my grandmother died in 1970 - there would be floods of tears & "Why didn't anyone tell me?" etc etc. I soon learned to lie and distract.

    The key is if the truth is upsetting, lie.
     
  5. Jane.B

    Jane.B Registered User

    Dec 7, 2007
    164
    Hampshire
    I used to tell Rupert that his mother and father were dead when he asked, but now I just say, they're not here at the moment, maybe we'll see them tomorrow and he's happy with that and has forgotten asking after a bit.
     
  6. cescaclem

    cescaclem Registered User

    Jun 15, 2008
    12
    London
    Thank you both

    These replies are really helpful. I think I'll follow your advice!
    Thank you for taking the time to reply - I will make sure I do the same when I have some experience under my belt!
    Love to you both
    Francesca x
     
  7. barbara h

    barbara h Registered User

    Feb 15, 2008
    96
    county durham
    When my mam first started talking about seeing her mam we used to tell her the best way we could that she was dead but when she went into the care home and started asking when her mam was going to visit her we just went along with her and said we didn't know, she was busy at the moment. It really seems to work so maybe it is the best way - maybe won't work all the time but it's worth a try.

    good luck
    barbara h
     
  8. cescaclem

    cescaclem Registered User

    Jun 15, 2008
    12
    London
    Thank you Barbara!

    What amazing support all you lovely people offer! I'm really overwhelmed by it. Many many thanks for taking the time!
    Love
    Francesca x
     
  9. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    18,972
    Derbyshire
    Hello;
    With this I think we have to 'go with the flow'.
    My husband frequently goes to phone his Mum and Dad :eek: I just gently remind him that they would probably be 110 by now - he then says 'oh are they dead then?'.
    Then he will detail the ages and demise of aunts and uncles.

    It seems to work. I accept there may be a stage when he will be upset by their deaths - but it is a case of 'day by day'.

    I am sure each case is different and we can only do the best we can.

    Love Jan
     
  10. cescaclem

    cescaclem Registered User

    Jun 15, 2008
    12
    London
    Thank you Jan!

    In a way, it's good to know that all cases are different and every day is different. And my goodness it keeps you on your toes - we had our first real laughter yesterday when my 12-year-old daughter found her grandad drying up the washing-up with her best pants!!!! Thank you for your reply.
    Love
    Francesca x
     
  11. fearful fiona

    fearful fiona Registered User

    Apr 19, 2007
    723
    London
    Dear Francesca,

    Just so you know there's another of us out there with the same problem. My Mum has just not accepted that my Dad died a few months ago. Every time I told her, she got anxious and said "why didn't anyone tell me?". Now I've simply stopped saying that because I don't want to cause her more distress. I just say "he's not here, I don't know where he is at the moment, but don't worry".

    Sadly her home is just down the road from the churchyard where Dad's ashes are buried, but I don't suppose I'll ever take her there.

    Good luck.
     
  12. cescaclem

    cescaclem Registered User

    Jun 15, 2008
    12
    London
    Thank you Fiona

    It's so reassuring to know I'm not alonein all this.
    Love and best wishes to you
    Francesca x
     
  13. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,103
    Toronto, Canada
    As long as they were clean, no harm done!:D:D
     
  14. TLJ

    TLJ Registered User

    Jun 11, 2008
    24
    Kent
    My dad is just beginning to settle a bit after the death of my mum a couple of weeks ago.
    It was like some cruel Groundhog Day every half hour. Where is she? And each time I told him she had died was the first time he had heard it.He would either go melo-dramatic, very sad or very nasty and insist I was up to something.
    Now he is better but occasionally asks where everyone is. There's only him and I here.
    I sometimes wonder if he's been seeing ghosts!
    Confusion arises when i say mum, as in my mum, and he thinks I mean HIS mum. He also thought it was HIS mum who had just died. Now I have to refer to my mum as Connie to avoid the confusion.
    There's something reassuring about knowing this is going on for others too.
     

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