When oh when will mum settle down

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by Patricia Alice, Nov 16, 2015.

  1. Patricia Alice

    Patricia Alice Registered User

    Mar 2, 2015
    179
    Hi everyone, been a while since I posted that mum had been kicked out of the residential care home in July and had to be moved to dementia nursing.

    We are now 4 months in and she is still not settling at all. Our visits are beyond heartbreaking for us. We have, as advised by everyone scaled back our visits to three times a week for a couple of hours and when the time comes to leave she bolts for the door to stop us leaving (she is still very agile).

    She is now refusing food again (being poisoned), still not taking her meds (being doped), we are at our wits end, she is losing weight, her mood is erratic. She says her stomach is churning with fear, but she does not know what she is frightened of, she begs us not to leave her. She calls us every name under the sun for putting her in care.

    She has now started to make us swear on our death beds that we are not going to leave her, this does not sit well with me saying this. We try every distraction method we can think of, but she will not listen until we answer or say on our death beds.

    It is making us ill now, I get home and cry as I am so down. My husband says just do not visit, but my heart won't let me.

    When will she start to settle down as her surroundings are still unfamiliar to her all these months on.

    I am just letting off steam as my husband does not seem to grasp how unpredictable dementia is and he is just concerned about my health.

    Sorry for waffling :(
     
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,850
    Female
    Scotland
    The key to calming her is to get her to take medication. So, how do you do this? Can she be bribed in any way with some treat or privilege? Unless she can be taken out of this destructive behaviour you will have to wait till her health breaks from lack of food. Not a great option.
     
  3. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,739
    I really feel for you xx The home should be skilled enough to give her her medicines covertly with your permission.

    i have just been reading some information about walking - only anecdotal but a short walk, 10 minutes every day outside in the morning with a carer has worked towards calming fears and giving confidence with a number of people. Anything is worth a try and of course it may not work for a variety of reasons but perhaps you could ask the home to try it with her and see if it helps.
     
  4. Patricia Alice

    Patricia Alice Registered User

    Mar 2, 2015
    179
    Thank you for your replies Marion and Fizzie.

    She is down for covert medication but even this is proving challenging for the carers and she says the drinks/food is poisoned so point blank refuses. She will take it from me or my sister eventually but as we are not there every day so she would be having doses and missing doses, not sure this would work, but better than nothing.

    The home does lots of trips out to places and she refuses to go, they try all ways to coax her to go but sadly to no avail. She refuses to walk around the garden.

    The carers have even started to take her into the salon to do her hair when it is time for us leave so we can go but she is now demanding we stand in there with her and says I know you are going to sneak out now. How does she know this when she has no short term memory as such?

    My sister is now getting to the stage of dreading the visits and really does not want to go, but I could not live with myself.

    None of the other residents visitors have the problems we have, they say girls we really feel for you.

    I think until the dementia is at the next stage we just have to keep plodding, or like Marion has said, the not eating becomes the problem.
     
  5. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,739
    oh I am really sorry, I'm bumping this post up in the hope that more people with similar experiences will chime in to help x
     
  6. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,517
    Ireland
    Have you asked the staff how she is when you are not around?
    For the first few months that my late husband was in the nursing home, I used to go often, but only stayed for 20 minutes or half an hour or so at a time. Of course, the nursing home was only about a 20 minute drive away. Also, I would leave my coat and bag in the car, and during my visits I would leave him for a few minutes and then pop back in - to reassure him that I WOULD always be back. As he settled, I think William came to believe that I was actually always around somewhere. Later, when I would arrive for visits he would greet me with something like "There you are!" Once he laughingly asked "Where do you go when I can't see you? " I just said "Oh, I'm never very far away, but I have lots of work to do. "
     
  7. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,517
    Ireland
    Sorry, hit the wrong button! - William's meds also had to be given covertly. Does your mum have a favourite treat? Is there something she would usually eat- would she eat say, a chocolate mousse if it was just left temptingly in her room rather than given to her? I do feel for you. If it comes to it, talk to the Home manager and see if they have any suggestions. It may be that not visiting at all for a number of weeks may be the only way forward, but that would be so hard.
     
  8. Patricia Alice

    Patricia Alice Registered User

    Mar 2, 2015
    179
    Thank you Fizzie xxxx
     
  9. Patricia Alice

    Patricia Alice Registered User

    Mar 2, 2015
    179
    Hi Lady A,

    Leaving the coat in the car is a good idea, I will try that.

    As meds are tried to be given before we arrive I don't think they try chocolate but I have mentioned this.

    Today when we arrived she was trying to be sick in the cardboard hat, I think because she has no food on her stomach and it is bile acid off her stomach. I am worried sick about her not eating anything (apparently she is putting her hands in the sugar and eating that as she must be hungry as she thinks the food is poisoned)

    I have spoken to the nurse today and I think they are at a loss as to how to get her to eat anything. We have been bringing her to our houses a couple of times a week as we can manage to get her to eat tomato soup.

    All she wants is to be with us and we can't take care of her because of working.

    Thank you so much for taking time to reply. xx
     

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