When Is time right for care home?

[allieo37]

I am new to this TP and I am hoping for support. My mum has been diagnosed with AD for 2 1/2 years but has had it for much longer. Mum lives with my Dad 2 hours from where I live. Dad isn't coping at all well any more and has finally admitted that he can't cope. She is incontinent and doesn't communicate much. I know it's awful to say , but she's empty now. She looks a bit like Mum but she's gone.

When I spoke to him on the phone last week he said he felt like killing himself, he is depressed, but won't accept it. When me & my sisters ask him, he just says "Oh I was having a bad day - take no notice." We are so worried about them both. He just shouts at her constantly.

Anyway, she is currently in hospital because she kept falling over and Dad couldn't pick her up. They thourght she'd had a stroke but apparently it's down to the tranquilizers that she had been taking and now she is off the medication & recovering her mobility.
I think my dad is considering a care home. I have such mixed feelings, Is it too soon? I know he can't cope but I wish he could. A part of me feels angry at him. Then I feel soooo guilty that I can't help. What stage do other people make these decisions?

 

[Skye]

Hi Allieo

Welcome to TP.

I'm afraid I'm on your dad's side on this. If he can't cope, he can't cope.

I don't think for a minute he's saying this lightly. I'm quite sure he doesn't want to see his wife in care home.

You don't say how old they are. Perhaps your dad is just exhausted with all the caring. I know, because I care for my husband, and I'm constantly exhausted.

The fact that your mum keeps falling makes it pretty inevitable that she needs 24 hour care. Your dad can't lift her, and the paramedics will only come out in an emergency.

Please don't feel angry with your dad. I'm sure he's done his best. Unless you can find some other way to find some help for him at home, I think you have to respect his wishes.

I'm sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear, but those of us caring for spouses know how hard it is.

 

[Margarita]

Every one different in knowing when the time is right, but if sound like your dad is at the right time as you said

When I spoke to him on the phone last week he said he felt like killing himself

Seem like your father knows his limits and is crying out for help

Is they Not a SW for your mother that done an assessment for your father for respite ?

 

[allieo37]

Thanks for your replies. Yes my poor Dad certainly was exhausted last week and is probably going to be again if or when Mum comes home. I know he is doing
his very best for her and I will support him whatever he does.

 

[Nell]

It sounds as if the time has come for your Mum to be in care. From what you say, your Dad is just hanging in there. It might take a very small thing to push him too far - and then he couldn't cope at all. Much better to decide as a family that the time has come and to make decisions together about how to proceed, rather than to have decisions forced on you by a crisis.

I can truly understand how you feel (I'm a daughter too) and I can imagine how much you'd like to keep your parents together. But I think the best and kindest thing to do (for both of them) is to help your Dad feel OK about a care home for your Mum. He needs to know you support him in this and that you feel he has done as much as humanly possible for your Mum. That way he can go on to this difficult task with as little guilt as possible.

I do feel so much for you as a family - but I do think all your lives will improve (including your Mum's) when she is in care. Wishing you all the best with this difficult decision. Nell

 

[Skye]

I know he is doing
his very best for her and I will support him whatever he does.

Good for you, Allieo. That's the best you can do for all of you.

Love,

 

[Sandy]

Hi allieo37,

Just a quick question. You said "apparently it's down to the tranquilizers ".

What exactly were the tranquilizers prescribed for? Sometimes they can be used inappropriately, but can be used to treat things like aggression.

It's good that your mother's mobility has improved after being taken off the tranqulizers, but I hope the hospital can monitor her behaviour to see what the results are without sedation.

Often things like aggitation and aggression are just a phase and medication may no longer be needed.

If there are still underlying behavioural problems, and it is a trade-off between the side effects of medication and aggitation or aggression, that might be another factor that would tend to strengthen the case for full-time care.

Take care,

Sandy

 

[allieo37]

Medication

I can't remember what the drug was called. It was prescribed by mum's GP because she was so restless especially during the evening. Wandering around and persistantly trying to 'escape' the house. The consultant said last week that she shouldn't have been on them at all. My sister read about the drug - which says that it should be for people with depression and anxiety but it appears that it shouldn't be given to people with dementia. My mum is now back to normal except that she cannot walk at all now. It's suggested that this inability to walk is down to progression of alzheimers. She remains in the hospital - my dad can't possibly have her home if she can't walk.
We are going to be looking at care homes for mum with my dad soon.

 

[peggy-anne]

my mum was diagosed 6yrs ago.since october she has been living with us and i look after her 24 7.I dont want to admit to anyone that i am finding i so hard.the biggest problem at the moment is lack of sleep.The doc has prescribed Temazepan.She still hasnt slept for 2 nights.She fell out of bed on Tuesday night!Any suggestions?please.

 

[Cate]

Hi Allieo

My heart goes out to you all as a family. I have walked a mile in your shoes, and admitting that its time for a NH is the worst possible thing.

However, I can only speak from my own experience, since mum went to live at the NH life all round is better. I sleep at night because I know she is so very well cared for (and of course I dont get phone calls throughout the night either). Mum physically hasnt looked so good in a very long time.

Please try to think that once your dad has the day to day pressure removed, he, and you, can then start to spend quality time with your mum at the NH. Please dont look on this as a failure on anyone's part, you have all done your best, espcially your dad. But things change with this dreadful illness, therefore circumstances have to change for the good of all. Be brave.

Peggy-Ann
So sorry I dont have any experience in this at all. Just wanted to say you are doing a fantastic job, and I'm sure someone will be along soon who can give you some practical advice. Do you have support from Social Services, CPN's etc. Does mum go to a Day Centre so you can catch up on some rest, all these things are possible, its just a case of knowing where to go to get the help.

Cate

 

[Skye]

Hi Peggy-Anne

It's hard, isn't it. When you're not getting enough sleep, the slightest problem gets blown out of all proportion.

Cate's right, you should be getting help. As you're caring 24/7, you should ask social services for a carers assessment. That way, you can get people in to stay with your mum to give you a break. There may also be an Alzheimer's day centre where your mum could go.

I get two hours twice a week from Crossroads, and John goes to daycare one day a week now.

I used to use my Crossroads time to go to classes, to give me some mental stimulation, but now I'm so tired I quite often go up to bed for a couple of hours while the carer sits with John, or takes him out for a walk or a drive. I don't think I'd survive without those times to myself.

Do ring SS and ask about carers assessment, you're entitled to it.

Good luck,

 

[peggy-anne]

Thankyou so much for your replies.I will ask for an assessment.Cant believe you are there listening and caring.Thankyou again.

 

[Cate]

Hi Peggy-Ann

Keep posting, let us know how you are getting on.

Love

Cate