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When is the right time for carers to say enough is enough?

wightdancer

Registered User
Mar 15, 2017
67
Hi @wightdancer I can see that you're received plenty of great answers from everyone here. Let me share my thoughts too... To answer your question, enough is when you feel enough is. It's truly sad to hear of how fast your wife is deteriorating. I've posted here in the past about a similar situation that I've been in with my grandmother. Her condition was getting increasingly worse - not at a very high rate. Taking care of her was beginning to take a toll on my family and I until we decided to hire a carer at home for her. We've hired this lady from Guardian carers and that has improved her life and subsequently ours. You say how you don't want to lose her to a care home. Have you considered having someone come in a few days a week or even to live in? It would be a person that she would get to know progressively and get used to having around. I think that this may be an option which could work.
Thank you andreasss86 your post helped me to decide to get a live-in carer; I am sure it is the right decision.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
Reading all the posts on this thread has brought tears & a huge well of emotions, so how you all cope I can’t imagine.
You are all truly inspirational people & im humbled that I’m able to read your messages

Thank you for sharing all, by doing so you are making me a better person. I appreciate my Husband more now & realise how precious simple acts of everyday life are

I know my burblings won’t help or change your situations; but you have helped change me into what I hope is a better person. So thank you you have shone light onto dark places via your posts.
Much love to you all & your loved ones for they are truly cherished
X
 

Hazara8

Registered User
Apr 6, 2015
530
Thank you Hazara8 so much for your words on this post.
Today has been an absolute nightmare and I have taken much solace from your words regarding care home stay.
I know this is coming for my wife and it scares the hell out of me.
Your words made me cry - and also helped me.
I clearly need to cry and can only hope that our forthcoming experience of cherishing the moments will be as precious as you say yours were. Thank you.
Lladro
There is absolutely no shame whatsoever in allowing oneself that release valve of tears. When you feel overwhelmed by the unforgiving nature of dementia expressed through a loved one. The notion that every vestige of care and loving care seems not enough to redeem the sense of helplessness , the unremitting pattern of seemingly oblivious behaviour - all of which appears somehow to make not a jot of difference, then despair becomes your daily companion . The sense that you lose control over these things can be debilitating. But don't assume the inevitable. Perhaps you will find a practicable means by which to maintain and continue home care, with help. The fact that you have contemplated transition to a Care Home shows both ĺcourage and heartfelt consideration in terms of "best interests " for your wife. Try not to dwell on what might or might not happen. If possible take each day on it's own merit, good or bad. You and only you will know how you really feel and once the " need" arises which points the way then you will act upon it accordingly. And your own welfare is important. You cannot function in terms of care, if you become unwell.
Take a long deep breath and let your heart dictate and your mind clear itself of "what ifs" and focus on "what is". And yes, cry when you want to, because you care and you love that person who's vulnerability lies in your hands and who themselves can no longer claim ownership of a life ravaged by dementia . With my warmest wishes.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
If at all possible look on “home care “ as an opportunity to be a husband again , not a carer.
I treasure the time with Dad that I was able to be just the daughter. Those cuddles & just sitting beside him are more precious than any jewel or bauble.
my most prised possetion isthe radio I got for him ( we spent hours listening to his beloved classic fm) & I love listening to music playing through it as I feel that connection with Dad - not ready for classic fm yet but one day......
I hope that my experience with Dad might make it a little easier
My Mum ( also with dementia) would not allow carers into the house - it’s a big regret that I couldn’t do that for him, so from a daughters perspective I totally believe this is the right thing to try. You have my total admiration & respect for making this decision & I am sat here willing it to be a positive experience for you both( it will take time to adjust I know but I’m sat here rooting for you both!)
Happy ((((Hugs)))) to you both
 

Lladro

Registered User
May 1, 2019
123
There is absolutely no shame whatsoever in allowing oneself that release valve of tears. When you feel overwhelmed by the unforgiving nature of dementia expressed through a loved one. The notion that every vestige of care and loving care seems not enough to redeem the sense of helplessness , the unremitting pattern of seemingly oblivious behaviour - all of which appears somehow to make not a jot of difference, then despair becomes your daily companion . The sense that you lose control over these things can be debilitating. But don't assume the inevitable. Perhaps you will find a practicable means by which to maintain and continue home care, with help. The fact that you have contemplated transition to a Care Home shows both ĺcourage and heartfelt consideration in terms of "best interests " for your wife. Try not to dwell on what might or might not happen. If possible take each day on it's own merit, good or bad. You and only you will know how you really feel and once the " need" arises which points the way then you will act upon it accordingly. And your own welfare is important. You cannot function in terms of care, if you become unwell.
Take a long deep breath and let your heart dictate and your mind clear itself of "what ifs" and focus on "what is". And yes, cry when you want to, because you care and you love that person who's vulnerability lies in your hands and who themselves can no longer claim ownership of a life ravaged by dementia . With my warmest wishes.
Thank you.
You write such lovely heartfelt words and I am truly grateful to you
 

Lladro

Registered User
May 1, 2019
123
If at all possible look on “home care “ as an opportunity to be a husband again , not a carer.
I treasure the time with Dad that I was able to be just the daughter. Those cuddles & just sitting beside him are more precious than any jewel or bauble.
my most prised possetion isthe radio I got for him ( we spent hours listening to his beloved classic fm) & I love listening to music playing through it as I feel that connection with Dad - not ready for classic fm yet but one day......
I hope that my experience with Dad might make it a little easier
My Mum ( also with dementia) would not allow carers into the house - it’s a big regret that I couldn’t do that for him, so from a daughters perspective I totally believe this is the right thing to try. You have my total admiration & respect for making this decision & I am sat here willing it to be a positive experience for you both( it will take time to adjust I know but I’m sat here rooting for you both!)
Happy ((((Hugs)))) to you both
Thank you - I'm sat here feeling your hugs, sincerity and kindness
 

Lladro

Registered User
May 1, 2019
123
Perhaps the right time for relinquishing the care role is before the emergency situation.
We are at that stage now, my heart breaks at the thought but my head knows now is the time to consider and prepare.
I have found a place, short respite breaks went well.
I think at home, many old responsibilities that can no longer be understood let alone be dealt with give an underlying anxiety, however happy we try to make the environment.
When my husband was in respite we had some lovely times together, he sat chatted and held hands.
Other times I felt a bit in the way as he did not want to miss out on things going on. Nothing much in my eyes but of great interest in his.
A happy limbo, the antics of others absorbed him.
There is a bed available but a hitch as it just over the border.
In the quiet times I feel I can manage, then an incident shows I cannot.
You have my empathy, Lladro, Hazara8 is wise, we do indeed get sucked in by this illness making any separation seem more unbearable than ever. AliceA x
Thank you - your Statement "in the quiet times I think I can manage" - How true. I get lulled into a false sense of "what am I thinking of - I can do this -I should do this" and then WHAM - where the hell did that come from? - no-one should have to put up with this and I'm not going to - and then, next day, calm, can do - will be alright - until the next time...My whole life seems to be one of extremes. Thank you for your empathy xx
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,861
Thank you - your Statement "in the quiet times I think I can manage" - How true. I get lulled into a false sense of "what am I thinking of - I can do this -I should do this" and then WHAM - where the hell did that come from? - no-one should have to put up with this and I'm not going to - and then, next day, calm, can do - will be alright - until the next time...My whole life seems to be one of extremes. Thank you for your empathy xx
Xxx
 

andreasss86

Registered User
Dec 10, 2019
17
Thank you andreasss86 your post helped me to decide to get a live-in carer; I am sure it is the right decision.
Wow. You absolutely made my day. I really do believe in the power of people and I am so happy for you. I guarantee that your life will improve with this decision. have you started looking already?
 

wightdancer

Registered User
Mar 15, 2017
67
Wow. You absolutely made my day. I really do believe in the power of people and I am so happy for you. I guarantee that your life will improve with this decision. have you started looking already?
Yes, we have a Spanish lady organised. I am sure your grandmother benefits from the familiarity of remaining at home and I am sure my wife will too.......I certainly will; thanks again.
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
626
You could try adding the tablets whole, in a Petit filous yoghurt. The first spoonful just yoghurt, the next one with a tablet in.
I have melted chocolate into ice cube trays and added ground up tablets, making sweeties! Lindt need not feel threatened by the results, but may be worth a try.
Best offer the sweeties when the person is approaching a mealtime and is hungry (if they ever get hungry of course!)
 

andreasss86

Registered User
Dec 10, 2019
17
Yes, we have a Spanish lady organised. I am sure your grandmother benefits from the familiarity of remaining at home and I am sure my wife will too.......I certainly will; thanks again.
That is amazing. I'm so happy for you! All the best for you and your wife!
 

wightdancer

Registered User
Mar 15, 2017
67
Hi everyone
Well a lot has happened to the world since my last post in February!
We engaged the services of a Spanish Au Pair as a companion to my wife. The important point to note is that she is not a carer as I am my wife's carer but as an Au pair she helps getting my wife washed, dressed, fed, walked, entertained and so on. You can only imagine how much relief that is to me; genuinely it has been a wonderful release from the stress of having to do everything for my wife who sadly cannot even speak coherently, so you have to be alert to her needs like going to the toilet that can take half an hour as she does not just sit and go!
Back in January I seriously considered moving my wife to a care home but thankfully research and with great advice from fellow members here, I decided to look for a live-in help. I am not wealthy so cost is a major factor; for me to employ a fully qualified carer would be out of the question but as I am my wife's carer all I needed was a bit of help so an Au Pair for the elderly is perfect as long as you have a spare bedroom. The cost of an Au Pair is a fraction of the cost
of a carer and of course the added benefit of someone to talk to is immense.
If you have a spare bedroom and are struggling to look after your loved one please consider an Au Pair, it is certainly working for me.
 

Just me

Registered User
Nov 17, 2013
386
I’m so pleased that you found a happy solution @wightdancer.
i wasn’t aware there were Au Pairs for the elderly, it sonds ideal, another pair of hands on site.
If only we has a spare bedroom...
 

wightdancer

Registered User
Mar 15, 2017
67
I’m so pleased that you found a happy solution @wightdancer.
i wasn’t aware there were Au Pairs for the elderly, it sonds ideal, another pair of hands on site.
If only we has a spare bedroom...
Yes, a spare room is absolutely necessary and for those caring for a loved one who can accommodate a live-in Au pair I suggest you give it a try before considering a care home.
Honestly it has changed my life and now as well as keeping my wife at home I benefit having help, someone to talk to and importantly the ability to go out for a walk with the dog which was impossible before as my wife would often refuse to walk more than a few yards.
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
679
Yes, a spare room is absolutely necessary and for those caring for a loved one who can accommodate a live-in Au pair I suggest you give it a try before considering a care home.
Honestly it has changed my life and now as well as keeping my wife at home I benefit having help, someone to talk to and importantly the ability to go out for a walk with the dog which was impossible before as my wife would often refuse to walk more than a few yards.
Sounds like you've found a good solution, I wouldn't mind looking into it myself - is there a website to use to find an au pair for the elderly?
 

maryjoan

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
1,464
South of the Border
Well done, you! A very imaginative solution and such an excellent idea for those whose homes and means can accommodate an au pair. Perhaps more people will try it now the idea has been brought forward....... this is such an upbeat idea that I don't want to spoil things, so I will go elsewhere for my post!

I wish you the best of luck.
 

wightdancer

Registered User
Mar 15, 2017
67
Sounds like you've found a good solution, I wouldn't mind looking into it myself - is there a website to use to find an au pair for the elderly?
Sorry for slow response.
If you Google Aupairs.com you can sort out an aupair yourself or if you prefer, there are many agencies that vet the candidates for you. Aupairs for the elderly are becoming more and more recognised as a great help for partner carers.....it has saved my life! Our Spanish aupair is wonderful and my wife loves the pampering like getting her hair done nicely which has always been one of my failings!
 

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