When is the Right Time for a Home ?

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Princess210804, Jul 9, 2007.

  1. Princess210804

    Princess210804 Registered User

    Jul 9, 2007
    Rochester - Kent
    Hello I am new to this Website/Chatroom and I have been reading many of the Threads and am truly touched and feel for everyone who is coping with Alzheimer’s.

    My Nan has Alzheimers and moved in with my Parents just over a year ago when my Grandad passed away from Lung Cancer.

    My Mum made a promise to her Dad (My Grandad) that she would care for Nan. My Grandparents never wanted to be a burden on their family especially my Grandad...he was fighting our help right up to his last breath! He hid Nan's illness from us and never asked for help, which we all as a family feel guilty about.
    It is very hard when you are working...and in a way if it hadn't been for me not working at the time as I was pregnant...I don't want to think out the situation could have ended.

    I used to go over every Monday for lunch to see my grandparents…We knew Nan had alzheimers, although we weren’t really allow to call it that in front of my Grandad…he was a very stubborn man and didn’t like to accept any help or advice from the Doctors. Although we had managed to get her diagnosed …I think it was too late for any medication…and my Grandad felt like it didn’t work so stopped giving her the tablets that were subscribed

    My Monday visits continued right through my pregnancy till my little girl was 6 months old…This is when my granddad got a cold and could seems to shift his cough/chest infection. His strength and weight also rapidly decreased and I was the only one allowed to take him to the doctors and finally the hospital. I was with him and my Nan the day he got told he didn’t have long to live ….It was one of the hardest phone calls I have ever had to make to my Mum and then try and put a brave face on for my Grandad and my Nan who did not understand he was dying.

    In the time of being told; 10 days later my granddad was dead….it was so fast our feet didn’t touch the ground…We were trying to get some home help as my granddad refused to go into a hospice cos he was worried about my Nan. All time he was ill his main concern was our Nan.

    There were so many forms to fill in and between my mum, sister and I managed to get a bit of a rota for caring for both my grandparents till we could get some care in..but just as we got the first nurse in my Grandad gave up.

    Since this time Nan has been living with my parents and my sister gave up her job to care for her during the week.( she gets paid by Nan). My mum does have a brother and they did managed to get the power of attorney sorted before granddad pasted away. Fortunately my uncle is a barrister so we are very lucky to have a family member in touch with the law side of things.

    We are also lucky in the fact that we have managed to find a day centre for Nan Monday to Friday. This helps Nan as she really does get bored and we think she does enjoy it.

    The whole change of living situations has not only made Nan deteriorate very rapidly but also put a tremendous amount of strain on my parents. Divorce has been mentioned in the past although I think and very much hope this was just a very bad row!!! Not only the arguing, but also my Mum has a bad hip and finds it very difficult to do anything….housework and just day to day life takes its toll on her. As a result things just don’t get done and at the weekend my mum is so exhausted she wants to relax.

    Also at the weekends Nan doesn’t get the attention she wants and becomes very frustrated and argumentative which causes rows and tension.

    Her medication also gets forgotten as my mum has just so much on her mind!!

    I am so worried about my Mum..not only her own health but her state of mind…I think she is very depressed….in a lot of ways she is like my granddad and is very stubborn ..she doesn’t like going to the doctors and doesn’t like being forced into a decision!!…My sister has only just got her to the doctors about her hip…she has never told the doctor. We all know she needs a hip replacement ( It’s hereditary…My uncle has had both his hips done) but My mum thinks as she is over weight she wouldn’t be allowed one so just plods on with the pain.

    So she is putting up with her own problems, my Nan’s illness and her guilty conscience.

    This guilty conscience is the biggest obstacle for not only us as a family but herself….
    My mum is not ready to put Nan into a home full time although the rest of the family think it is time for Nan to go.

    My Uncle put my Nan’s name down on a list for a Home shortly after Nan moved in with my Mum and they have phone recently saying there is a place for Nan.

    The answer to our problems is staring us in the face but my Mum doesn’t feel ready to put Nan in a home but is crying out for a break .We can’t seemed to even get any sort of respite care as these respite homes are booked solid!!! And My Nan doesn't seemed to fit into the Social Service System as she has money. We got told from Social Services that as Nan had money we could pay any respite home to take her for a break. The respite homes told us they only have beds spare which are for social services!!!! and she has to be referred by social services which is a long winded process and apparently we have to do it all again as they have struck nan off her books!!!!:mad:

    Originally I thought it would be best for Nan to live with her family around her…but even I feel now is the time for a home…

    My Dad, Sister’s Family and my immediate family took part in the Relay for Life for Cancer Research at the weekend in memory of our Grandad and other lost ones….My Mum was so looking forward to the Candle of Hope Ceremony and this special moment was ruined by my Nan’s Constance moaning about being cold and that fact she wanted to be at her home!! My mum couldn’t leave her seat because of my Nan and it upset me so much!! I feel like my Mum is putting her whole life on hold and giving up.

    I don’t want to be resentful against my Nan but it is becoming increasing hard!! I want my mum and dad to be able to enjoy their forthcoming retirement but this doesn’t look promising.

    One small comfort is that we are all going on a family holiday next month which is more than some people can from reading the threads.. My uncle has agreed to have our Nan for a couple of weeks.

    My mum is so focused on this holiday she is not interested in thinking about the future.

    I wondered if there was anyone else out there who had made the decision of placing their parent in a home that could possible relate to my mum’s situation.

    We spoke to a nurse last week who said that she would probably love a Home environment, as it is very similar to her Day centre. It isn’t like putting them in prison…you can take them out for the day and have them at Christmas and special occasions. My mum took a little bit of comfort in this but it wasn’t enough to convince her and the Guilt factor is a big hurdle for her….Any advice would be very welcome
  2. Claire

    Claire Registered User

    Mar 31, 2004

    My mum lived with me, and eventually had to go into a care home. She had been going to a day centre for 6 days a week while I was at work, and she settled very qucikly into the environment of the care home. She is in an excellent place where she receives loving care, and now needs far more care than I could have given at home. By the time she did go, my stress levels were tremendously high, and I was worn out, and even then it was only because she had a fall that emergency respite was arranged. After a month the social worker asked if I wanted to make the placement permanent, and I nearly said no, as I was hoping that she would go to the home she is in now - at first she was in a different home. The SW then said she could stay where she was, but go on the waiting list for the new home. I agreed to this and she moved after about two months. I felt all the usual guilt, but in reality she wasn't safe when she was alone in the house before and after day centre, and she had no company until I got home. She has deteriorated since then, of course, and there is no way I could look after her on my own now. I am just so grateful that she is in such a good place and that she feels content.

    Take care

  3. Princess210804

    Princess210804 Registered User

    Jul 9, 2007
    Rochester - Kent
    Thank you Claire. That is very comforting and I know my mum is now reading the threads on this website and will also take some comfort from your reply

    Thankyou again
  4. janetruth

    janetruth Registered User

    Mar 20, 2007
    Hi Princess

    I am partially sighted ( I have no central vision) and it took me a long time to read your post.
    What a terrible shock when you lost your grandad so quickly and then your Nan going straight to your parents.
    Everyone will deal with things differently and I would love to know the answer myself, when is the right time?

    My Mum is 82 has mid -stages AZ, she has limited mobility due to Arthritis and has lived with me and my partner for 10 months.
    I am Mums sole carer, Paul, my partner, works full time so I look forward to Wednesdays, as Mum goes to Day Care from 10 till 5.

    It isn't easy and I would have been a fool to think it would be, when Mum came to us, it was because, we wanted her and not because we felt, we had to.

    I live every day as it comes, we have a good routine going, plenty of Mums favourite music, good food, company and love.

    I try not to think about a time when 'I might not be able to cope'
    my partner plays dominoes with her most nights, we take her out for Sunday lunch
    and most importantly it's great to hear her laugh.

    Our lives are on hold, but it doesn't stop us being a family, I have 4 adult children and 2 grandchildren, we have ALL made changes and learnt alot about ourselves.

    I hope you and your family will find the solution that is right for you ALL.
    Take Care
    Janetruth x
  5. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #5 Margarita, Jul 9, 2007
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2007
    I do feel for me & my 4 adult children , it was a big life change over for me caring for my mother at home , as I never wanted to put my mother in a care home .

    As I look back on that time after my father died in 02 , then a year later mum was told she had AZ It felt like I was on a mission no one was going to get in my way of me respecting my dad wishers to look after mum .

    Now my father never said that to me about looking after my mother , but I new how much he loved her & would want me to look after her .

    I never like the thought of care home anyway , until 2 years into caring I new I had to seek out outside help , as in respite , my mother has been to more then a few , and I can honestly say now I don't like the way they look after her .

    But I send my mother as I have no other choice .

    I know they come a day in the real late stages , when she nearing her death bed , then she go into a nursing home near me.

    My mother go to day-center 4 days a week , and has a carer that washes her 6 days a week , that I am now going to ask for 7 days a week .

    I am not working , yes it can get depressing as in not being able to pop out like I use to , but one of my daughter's will always sit with my mother . I don't take my mother out a lot with me as her mobility in her brain is not so good and she won't go in to a wheelchair , so day center is all she has to look forward to .

    I feel it I could not physical or mentally look after my mother because go my own heath , then I would have no option , but to put mum mother in a care home .

    Its a hard making a choice to put them in a care home, don't let guilt get in the way, if you want them to go in a care home and you feel you can't go on caring any more do it..... Guilt is just an emotion its not real

    The past is dead and gone and the future is all in the imagination
  6. Big phil

    Big phil Registered User

    Jun 27, 2007
    East Sussex
    to home or not to home??

    Who can really tell when the time is right?? I had to put my wife in a home, it took a section under mental health act, 2 paramedics, two policemen & 2 social workers. She punched most of them. I sat in the back garden crying. But at the end of the day, is it worth making the carers ill too??? I was at the end of my tether emotionally and physically exhausted. My wife was then 56, I was 44.. Life goes on for the carers
  7. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Big phil, welcome to TP.

    I'm sorry you're in this situation, it must have been so hard because you and your wife are so young. There seem to be more and more cases of young onset dementia, and it is so devastating for young families.

    I care for my husband, so far at home. It's hard work, but I'm lucky because so far he has no behavioural problems.

    Post again, we're a friendly bunch.
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Welcome to TP Phil.

    It must have been horrific for you having your wife sectioned, and so young too. But if the behaviour becomes unmanageable, there`s no alternative.

    Thank you for posting.
  9. Princess210804

    Princess210804 Registered User

    Jul 9, 2007
    Rochester - Kent
    I felt exactly the same for my Nan and I honestly thought that living with my parents would be the best thing for her. Being around the ones she knows and loves.

    But my Nan isn't there anymore ...it is the hardest thing to accept and I feel awful for saying this/typing this but I do honestly feel she would be better in a Nursing Home...

    I feel she would get the right amount of care ( as I said before - her tablets get forgotten ) and she would be kept occupied how she would like to be ...like at her day centre.

    We have tried every which way to keep her involved in our family by taking her out with us and having the family around for dinners but it isn't what she wants at this stage in her life!

    To be fair to her she doesn't know what she wants as she can't even talk properly anymore.

    Obviously this is how I see the situation and it is my Mum's decision.

    My mum knows this is how I feel and I feel awful as I feel like I am trying to push my mum is a direction that she doesn't want to go... I'm so sorry Mum if you are reading this but as I said to you the other day.. I Love You and I want you to have your life too before something breaks you!!!! ( I have to go now as I am crying now!!!!!)
  10. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    What I hope would be the deciding factors for me, are;

    that my husband would be unaware of his environment,
    I couldn`t cope physically.

    That`s what I hope. Whether I`ll be able to achieve, remains to be seen.

    Deepest commiserations to everyone who is facing this awful decision.
  11. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #11 Margarita, Jul 10, 2007
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2007
    I must say that what your saying , is how 2 of my daughter feel "its not so much remember Nanny how she was before AZ , it remember how you was before nanny got AZ " they tell me

    I think they given up trying to en-clued (sp) mum in anything , because its not so much that she does not want to at this stage of her life , its her brain with this disease , that stopping her enjoying it all before she just get so confused with a lot of people around her , so can get the hump and get rude , but she fine with a one to one with my children , she just can't take stressful situation , it confuses her & she gets very worry and panic set in .

    So yes care home is good because its a cram environment, but not all the time as some people keep screaming, so mum gets sacred . my mother told me that

    Could your mother not ask the chemist to prepare then in little boxes, they offer that service in our area ?

    and its also happen to me , that I have forgotten to give my mother her medication or forgot to put one in , as I prepare them myself , when I get to that
    stage I know its time for respite .

    you say that your sister look after your grandmother , during the week . why that is your mother working ?

    do you feel that your mother putting the burden of looking after your grandmother on to you and your sister ?

    try not to think like that , its only because you love your mother so . you sound like a lovely daughter , better to let those feeling out , then bottle them all in you
  12. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Hi Princess. It sounds as if the main problem here is a disagreement with your mum over whether your nan should go into care. You make so many points, and I'll try to look at them one by one.

    First of all, I think that most people on TP would not regard this as a valid promise. Many of us have made it, with every intention of keeping it, but situations change, and it often becomes impossible to keep. Mum should recognise that it is actually a promise to do her best to look after her mum, and if that means someone else taking over the burden ofdat to day care, then that is OK.

    I can understand the boredom, my husband suffers from it too. But if your nan goes to daycare every weekday, could you not set up a rota to care for your nan at weekends, spend some time with her, take her out sometimes, and make sure she gets her medication? That would give your mum a break.

    I'm afraid we're all a bit like that! I certainly wouldn't like to be pressurised by John's sons. On the other hand, if you feel that your mum is putting too much responsibilities onto you, you need to sit down with her and explain calmly how you feel. Perhaps you could tell her exactly what you are prepared to do to help, but try not to argue about it. After all, you are all trying to find the best solution.

    This is the crux of the problem, isn't it, and you need to discuss it as a family. But at the end of the day, it's your mum's decision.

    I think your mum has the right idea here. Have a complete break, try not to worry or even talk about it while you're away, then see how you all feel afterwards.

    Hope this has helped, and you can all discuss the question calmly after your holiday.

    Have a good time!
  13. Princess210804

    Princess210804 Registered User

    Jul 9, 2007
    Rochester - Kent
    Thank you to everyone's words of advice.

    I definitely think my Mum needs to talk to someone about her situation. I think what has bought it to a head so much was the fact that we have tried to get Respite and feel like we have had all doors slammed in our face. We can't get even one weeks break when we so desperately need it - but We will cope ....as we have pulled together so far.

    The medication distrubtion is only mainly forgotten on the odd occassion at the weekends as I said My mum has so much on her mind ....she is only human. We have all Nan tablets in a AM/PM dispenser which does make it easier.

    My mum can not afford to give up work although she would love too. My sister & I do not see caring for my Nan as a bruden....just that it is has had such a devasting effect on my Mum and Dad. We do as much as we can to help out..My sister more so as I have a little toddler. I know that my Mum appreciates everything we do ...at the end of the day it makes us a closer family x

    Respite would definitely help my mum & Dad. Social Services have not help us one little bit .. I think this is what is making my mum so upset & angry (and Me!!!) ... We don't really know where to turn!! :mad:

    As I said before a place has come up at a Nursing Home near to us... My Mum and Sister are going to look at it Friday with my Uncle....If Mum doesn't feel like it is right or she isn't ready for the full time move maybe they can offer a respite solution to our situation.

    There has be mention of some additional tablet that could be prescribed to Nan to help with her Paranoia...Does anyone have any advice on this ?
  14. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    That so true , Oh I see your mother work full time , gosh can not understand why she needs all your help .

    Only medication I know for Paranoia is anti psychotic medication . Is your grandmother on any medication for AZ ?

    wishing you all the best for Friday

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