When is the best time to put a person in a care home, please help, I'm very confused

Discussion in 'Welcome and how to use Dementia Talking Point' started by anita1780, Jan 10, 2016.

  1. anita1780

    anita1780 Registered User

    Sep 13, 2015
    Hi Everyone

    My mum has vascular dementia, she lives in Peru and I live in England, she lives with my uncle and I hired a person to help with things from the house and take her to hospital appointments, etc however I see she is waking up at night and getting dressed, she had a shower at midnight once and she seems more confused and maybe not eating properly, my uncle took the house key from her because she started to wander out of the house.

    I considered a care home, however I feel very bad about her leaving her home and living with strangers and leaving familiar surroundings although a couple of times she though she was not in her own house and told me that she wanted to go home, but people tell me she will be safer in care home than at home because she can have a fall, etc, I don't know what to do:(
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello Anita

    When you say your uncle took the house keys from your mother to prevent her wandering, it told me she was locked in . It causes alarm bells to ring when I think about a vulnerable person being locked in. What would happen in an emergency, if she became ill or had a domestic accident?

    If a person is at risk in their own home and is not supervised 24/7 , in my opinion, themn is the time to consider residential care.
  3. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    North West
    I agree with Sylvia. This seems a relatively clear-cut case. It's not worth the risk of keeping your mum at home. Think how you would feel if she did have an accident.
  4. starryuk

    starryuk Registered User

    Nov 8, 2012
    I think for many of us, the time has to be when our parent/OH begins to wander.

    My mum lived in Australia and I too visited twice a year. It was only on that final visit, living with her for 3 weeks, that I saw the true extent of mum's confusion. She needed 24 hour care.

    Like you, there was the worry of removing her from familiar places and people, back to UK, but it turned out not to be a problem at all. Mum forgot it all immediately. The only person she asked after, occasionally, from 'back home' was my sister.

    I see, from your other thread, that you have been looking at care homes already and I think now is the right time to move your mum.

    Let us know how you get on.
  5. anita1780

    anita1780 Registered User

    Sep 13, 2015
    Thank you very much for your responses, yes my uncle took the house keys away from her as she disappeared a couple of times while he was in the shower or a bit distracted and he had go and look for her everywhere and couldn't find her but luckily she came back, yes it seems dangerous to leave her locked in the house when he goes out:(

    I did some research about care homes and I will go and have a second look at one tomorrow, in Peru care homes are a recent thing and some of them are just a house and they have a very small garden, I don't think they have the infrastructure required, but hopefully they have a nice bedroom in the one tomorrow at a price I can afford, I just feel she may miss her house and my uncle:-(, I'm an only child and I find difficult to make decisions, I feel that it's the time for a care home but I have doubts thinking about mum leaving her home and familiar surroundings.
  6. anita1780

    anita1780 Registered User

    Sep 13, 2015
    Hello, my mum doesn't really want to go into a care home, that's the problem she liked one care home but sadly in this one the seem reluctant to receive someone with dementia maybe because it's a bit problematic, I'm not sure how to convince her
  7. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    Hi Anita
    I'm sorry to hear you are having so many sad times. If the care home don't want to take your Mum because she has dementia then it would not be a good place for her to go because they wouldn't be able to help her or understand her needs. She needs to be somewhere where they understand how to care for her - would it be possible to have a live in carer for her? Just a thought
  8. Nerys

    Nerys Registered User

    Jan 16, 2016
    #8 Nerys, Jan 16, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2016
    Mum's so unhappy in a care home

    My mum was in the early stages of dementia when we had to put her in a residential care home. She has Alzheimer's with lewes body. She lived alone and became very paranoid until she was terrified in her own home and would just go out and wander the streets to get away from her imagined tormentor. She never liked being in the care home and frequently told me how much she hated it. Her symptom's progressed and as the home was just a residential home the staff couldn't cope with her which resulted in her going into the dementia unit of a nursing home. This happened about six weeks ago and she is so unhappy, constantly tearful and everytime I see her she tells me she wants to die. Although her condition has worsened she is not lost in dementia all the time although she is very confused and a lot of what she says doesn't make sense. I feel so guilty that she is in the nursing home, and there is nothing I can do to help her. I am finding this so difficult to deal with. How do people cope?
  9. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    North West
    Welcome to TP Nerys. This must be so hard for you.

    It is hard, given the nature if your mum's condition, to see what more you or anyone else could do at the moment to help her. She has been desperately unhappy in all the three 'settings' that you mention. I realise that this is absolutely no consolation to you. However, you should not feel guilty - most of us do at certain points but there is really no reason for it. You are clearly doning everything you can, as thing stand.

    I hope people who have been or are in a similar situation to you will be along, perhaps giving you some idea of how they coped or are coping.

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