Dear All,
Sorry Its Been So Long Since I've Posted But I Don't Have Access To My Computer Much As I'm Normally Living At Mums & It's At Home. I Felt I Had To Post As I'm Just So Confused. I Feel I'm Failing Mum As I Just Don't Seem To Be Able To Hold Things Together Anymore & Deal With All The Things That Need To Be Dealt With. Whats More Worrying Is That I Just Don't Care Any More. Today I Sat Here With Three Doctors Letters Asking Me To Make Appointments With Her Gp, Urologist & Haemotologist ( Mum Has Various Health Problems Besides Dementia) & I Just Couldn't Face & Just Sat & Cried All Afternoon. Mum At Day Centre.i'm Short Tempered With Her & Sometimes Wish She Would Just Die So She Wouldn't Have To Suffer Anymore. I Can't Seem To Think Straight Anymore & All I Want To Do Is Sleep & Inside I Feel Like I'm Shaking. I Feel Like I've Lost My Identity & When I Meet People I've Got Nothing To Talk About Other Than Dementia World . I Find Myself Hating Her & Then Hate Myself For Feeling That Way Because I Love Her So Much. If I Tell The Family I Can't Cope Then They'll Just Say Again Its Time To Put Her In A Home & I Can't Bear The Idea. None Of Them Want To Do Anymore Than They Do At The Moment To Help. It Seems The Worse She Gets The Less Family Are Able To Help Out ( Though I Don't Think Its Deliberate).i've Got A Carer Who Comes In Twice A Week For The Night So I Can Have 2 Nights At Home With My Husband But The First One Kept Cancelling At The Last Minute & Mum Won't Accept The New Carer.so Even When I'm Not There I'm On Standby. Just Wish I Could Switch Off & Have At Least One Whole Day A Week To Myself & My Husband. He's A Saint But I Worry How Much More He Can Take. I've Spoken To Social Worker Who Is Looking Into Respite For Me (she Offered Me This Some Time Ago But I Thought I Could Cope).what Do I Do Until Respite & Worried How Mum Will React & Feel Guilty For Sending Her As I Know She Will Hate It. She Spends All Day At Day Centre With Her Coat On Stood By The Door Asking To Go Home. The Rest Of The Family Can't Or Won't Do Nights With Mum As She Won't Sleep Through The Night & Up At Least 3-4 Times A Night At Best. Tried Sleeping Tablets But Either Make Her Aggressive Or Keeps Falling Out Of Bed . Trying To Get Rails For Bed.sorry I Know Others Have So Much More To Deal With. Maybe I'm Just Not Up To This & Should Let The Professionals Take Over. But So Wanted To Keep Her At Home For As Long As Pos Though. In My Head I I Know Mums In The Later Stages Now & Its Time To Start Letting Go Emotionally But I Wish Someone Would Explain It To My Heart Then Perhaps I Wouldn't Be Such A Mess.
Helen
Sorry Its Been So Long Since I've Posted But I Don't Have Access To My Computer Much As I'm Normally Living At Mums & It's At Home. I Felt I Had To Post As I'm Just So Confused. I Feel I'm Failing Mum As I Just Don't Seem To Be Able To Hold Things Together Anymore & Deal With All The Things That Need To Be Dealt With. Whats More Worrying Is That I Just Don't Care Any More. Today I Sat Here With Three Doctors Letters Asking Me To Make Appointments With Her Gp, Urologist & Haemotologist ( Mum Has Various Health Problems Besides Dementia) & I Just Couldn't Face & Just Sat & Cried All Afternoon. Mum At Day Centre.i'm Short Tempered With Her & Sometimes Wish She Would Just Die So She Wouldn't Have To Suffer Anymore. I Can't Seem To Think Straight Anymore & All I Want To Do Is Sleep & Inside I Feel Like I'm Shaking. I Feel Like I've Lost My Identity & When I Meet People I've Got Nothing To Talk About Other Than Dementia World . I Find Myself Hating Her & Then Hate Myself For Feeling That Way Because I Love Her So Much. If I Tell The Family I Can't Cope Then They'll Just Say Again Its Time To Put Her In A Home & I Can't Bear The Idea. None Of Them Want To Do Anymore Than They Do At The Moment To Help. It Seems The Worse She Gets The Less Family Are Able To Help Out ( Though I Don't Think Its Deliberate).i've Got A Carer Who Comes In Twice A Week For The Night So I Can Have 2 Nights At Home With My Husband But The First One Kept Cancelling At The Last Minute & Mum Won't Accept The New Carer.so Even When I'm Not There I'm On Standby. Just Wish I Could Switch Off & Have At Least One Whole Day A Week To Myself & My Husband. He's A Saint But I Worry How Much More He Can Take. I've Spoken To Social Worker Who Is Looking Into Respite For Me (she Offered Me This Some Time Ago But I Thought I Could Cope).what Do I Do Until Respite & Worried How Mum Will React & Feel Guilty For Sending Her As I Know She Will Hate It. She Spends All Day At Day Centre With Her Coat On Stood By The Door Asking To Go Home. The Rest Of The Family Can't Or Won't Do Nights With Mum As She Won't Sleep Through The Night & Up At Least 3-4 Times A Night At Best. Tried Sleeping Tablets But Either Make Her Aggressive Or Keeps Falling Out Of Bed . Trying To Get Rails For Bed.sorry I Know Others Have So Much More To Deal With. Maybe I'm Just Not Up To This & Should Let The Professionals Take Over. But So Wanted To Keep Her At Home For As Long As Pos Though. In My Head I I Know Mums In The Later Stages Now & Its Time To Start Letting Go Emotionally But I Wish Someone Would Explain It To My Heart Then Perhaps I Wouldn't Be Such A Mess.
Helen