When mum passed away, I felt relief at first. I had been so anxious for her, worried she would fall down the stairs, that something would happen while I was at work. I only felt relief when she was in respite, then I felt guilt that I felt relief. When I picked her up from her respite home, she was always glad to see me, while I felt guilty thinking: Here we go again, toiletting issues, everything..
Over time, this has changed, and I think of her before the dementia more now. I still have her ashes hidden away ( I don't feel ready to actually see the urn yet), and a lot of her clothes are still in the living room ( I always lived at home; the only time I considered leaving was just before dad passed away and I couldn't leave her her then).
When lockdown started, I felt relieved that she wasn't around, either in a nursing home or at home with me. I can't imagine how that must have been.It has been a very unreal experience, the whole situation.
I had ideas about re-arranging the living room, but, irrational as it is, I feel that by doing that it only confirms that she isnt here any more, like getting rid of her, almost. I know she has gone, but at some level I don't know , it seems unreal. I had been mentally trying to prepare myself, but at the end everything happened so quickly, her catching a cold, in and out of hospital, and in a month and a half she was gone. She was always singing to herself; she only did so after going to daycare where they used to play music. What does console me is that she was happy, in her own little world a lot of the time.
It's been nearly 8 months now, but some days I still feel stuck, neither able to go back or to go forward. I will have a think again about counselling altho' I am worried in case it just unleashes all my grief again. Thank goodness for this forum; it has been a lifeline at times.