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When Grief Comes Back

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,699
80
East of England
@Toony Oony and @CWR feelings change from day to day, week to week and now 4 months on and I am like both of you, glad he isn’t enduring any more, glad he missed the coronavirus high risk period, glad he doesn’t have to go on and on now that we are trying to get back to something approaching normal but oh how I miss the old him. Making a life over is not easy at the best of times but on I go. We must keep our spirits up x
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,277
Essex
Last night's dream included mum, nana and my brothers but no dad and yet nana's been dead for twenty years and mum's been dead for eleven years. I also dreamt that all the furniture had been moved and mum said we were decorating!

MaNaAk
 

Spamar

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
7,397
Suffolk
I have been reading some of this thread. I was worried about scattering ashes after OH died. I spoke to one of my (many) cousins who said don’t worry, you will know exactly when to scatter the ashes.And she was quite right. I woke up one morning and said Now! Beautiful July morning and I was satisfied.
But you don’t have to do such a job at 04:00, even if it is good weather!
 

Toony Oony

Registered User
Jun 21, 2016
570
Thank you @MaNaAk and @Grahamstown - in the great scheme of things, it is still early days.

I think @CWR hit the nail on the head - for me, anyway - saying that it was 'unreal' as everything happened so quickly. Unreal sums it up totally. One minute Mum was there, the next she was gone.

Mum was on End of Life care and frail but was not dying. I noticed she had a cough on the Friday, the GP was called on the Monday, she died in the early hours of Thursday. Thankfully, it was mercifully quick for her.

It just surprises me that something that we all know is going to happen and are seemingly prepared for (my husband compared Mum's dementia journey as witnessing a tragic, long playing, slow motion, fatal car crash) has such far reaching effects, even beyond the realm of conventional grieving.
Take care and hugs to all
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,277
Essex
Same here. On Sunday 9th June 2019 I visited dad and everything seemed normal and he was chatting and trying to push his friend resident G in her wheelchair without her permission. The only thing that was amiss was when one of the carers said that he attacked him the previous night but then he had Alzheimers. Two days later the care home phone to say that they are calling an ambulance and the next day he's gone. Everyone including the home is in shock. I knew it could be sudden as he had diabetes but not that sudden. In the end he had a haemorrhagic stroke and the hospital didn't blame Alzheimers.

MaNaAk
 

Susan11

Registered User
Nov 18, 2018
2,319
Same here. On Sunday 9th June 2019 I visited dad and everything seemed normal and he was chatting and trying to push his friend resident G in her wheelchair without her permission. The only thing that was amiss was when one of the carers said that he attacked him the previous night but then he had Alzheimers. Two days later the care home phone to say that they are calling an ambulance and the next day he's gone. Everyone including the home is in shock. I knew it could be sudden as he had diabetes but not that sudden. In the end he had a haemorrhagic stroke and the hospital didn't blame Alzheimers.

MaNaAk
That's hard MaNaAk. A lot for you to cope with. I wasn't ready for Dad to go either . He was nearly 98 and getting frailer all the time. The Consultant kept him going for an extra week but in the end we had to let him go. Two years ago this week. But as time goes by I find I can look back and remember all the happy times we had. I was his little girl ( I'm over 70) and he loved me for all those years and I was very lucky to have him as my Dad.
I'm sure you have so many happy times to remember too.
Best wishes Susan
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,699
80
East of England
I think everyone is amazing in their love and care for the memories of their loved ones and this thread struck a chord that came at the right moment for me. I realise that I was struggling with the loss, plus the added strain of the coronavirus pandemic and I am feeling much more ‘together’ now if you know what I mean. I am going off to stay with my daughter for one night and next time maybe two. I also realise that I love my little cocoon but it’s unhealthy to cut off too much. This disease fills me with despair but with all the support on TP we can carry on in a positive way x
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,277
Essex
Yes! I think I'm feeling more together now as well and I am thinking of everyone on here who is enduring and @Susan11 I have a lot of lovely memories both as a daughter and carer. I think the trouble with me is that I regarded dad as a hero.

MaNaAk
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
1,940
I think the trouble with me is that I regarded dad as a hero.

MaNaAk
I get that @MaNaAk My dad did so many things with his life and he was always so lovely. He was even the ideal alzhiemers patient to care for. Always polite, caring and thoughtful of others. All the medical staff loved him and he was so funny which I really miss.

I also realise now how well he cared for my mum during her final years when she was unwell although I will probably never know how much he had to do for her as they hid it so well from us. They never complained.

Old school I think they call it now.
 

CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
186
I relate to that totally@Duggies-girl. The first time mum went to hospital with a chest infection, the nurses didnt want her to go. She was always so happy in herself. Even in the last few weeks, a woman in the next bed surprised me when she casually remarked that mum had a spiritual presence. And this woman wasnt a New Agey type. I think she was referring to my mum's simple deeply held faith. For me the problem is that I know I am neurotic; measuring myself against mum I fall short. I am not saying she was a saint; she could be moody but it didnt last long. As the memories of the last few years gives way to memories of how she was before, I miss her more. She would look at me and say: "I loved you as soon as I saw you". I always replied: " I know. I can doubt many things, but not your love". I always say she was a small woman who made a big impact in people's lives.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,277
Essex
People used to say what a lovely lady mum was and what a gentleman dad was said. As I said before I can't believe they've both gone.

MaNaAk
 

Pepp3r

Registered User
May 22, 2020
33
I realised today I'm the same age now as my mum was when my dad died . At 48 mum was bringing up my brother and I on her own, she spent her days making sure we were OK. Now mums gone I'm going to try and draw on that strength she showed and gave us . As Duggies-girl so nicely put it ..... Old School !
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,277
Essex
My parents were old school as well and when mum became ill dad did his best to look after her but I felt so sorry for him because he was seven years older. Anyway as he cared for her I was there to keep an eye on things and eventually when he became ill I did for them what they did for us when we were children.

MaNaAk
 

CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
186
My parents were old school as well and when mum became ill dad did his best to look after her but I felt so sorry for him because he was seven years older. Anyway as he cared for her I was there to keep an eye on things and eventually when he became ill I did for them what they did for us when we were children.

MaNaAk
When you mentioned the age difference between your parents, that reminded me of mum and dad, but in their case it was bigger, 13 years. On more than one occasion, someone would make a remark to mum about her " father". Sometimes she corrected them, but then they were mortified and it was very embarrassing. I hadnt realised what mum went through looking after dad till she went in hospital for her cataract operation, and I put the guest bed down in his room. He was up and down all night, very confused. And I had to go to work the next day, so at least mum didnt have to be all bright and shiny, but she can't have got much sleep either. She looked after him till he was too weak after a bout of flu, and we had to admit defeat.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
710
Devon
Is it wrong to anticipate my wife death? . Dementia and it’s complications will no doubt take her from me but her being in the care home and me being mostly on my own is not really preparing me for the heartbreak to finally come.

It’s bad now and i can’t help but imagine what it’s going to be like later. This anticipatory grief is getting to me now and i’m not sure i can deal with it all the time.

Peter
 

CWR

Registered User
Mar 17, 2019
186
Is it wrong to anticipate my wife death? . Dementia and it’s complications will no doubt take her from me but her being in the care home and me being mostly on my own is not really preparing me for the heartbreak to finally come.

It’s bad now and i can’t help but imagine what it’s going to be like later. This anticipatory grief is getting to me now and i’m not sure i can deal with it all the time.

Peter
How could it be wrong? It's natural. I used to say that it was like watching a car go down a hill; you knew it had to reach the bottom one day but you just didnt know when. What I would say to my previous self is that I should stop trying to anticipate( easily said, I know...). The point is that you dont know how long she has. Altho' my mum was 95, she still went to daycare and a lunch club an d church and I thought I might have years ahead of us yet, so it was a bit of a shock when she caught a cold and everything went down hill overnight. Try to find things to keep your mind busy, do what you can with your wife at the moment. And feel free to come on here. God knows this forum has been my salvation many a time. Is there a local Alzheimers support group? I wish you well; I used to feel that no-one could really understand how I felt,but this forum has people who do. Take care, Charles