When does the misery end?

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by MollyMae23, Oct 16, 2015.

  1. MollyMae23

    MollyMae23 Registered User

    Jan 7, 2012
    40
    I lost mum in March this year. As many have said on this forum the initial shock and grief was dreadful and seemed to last forever. Eventually I started having happy memories of mum before her illness. By September I was beginning to think it was possible to start returning to the world and started applying for jobs and thinking about ways of getting involved in social activities, I even managed to feel sort of okay on my birthday at the beginning of September.

    Then at the end of September the local council who had been making noises about me having to move out of the adapted flat I had shared with mum whilst caring for her came up with a one bed flat for me to look at. Except, it wasn't just to look at, the insisted that I move in and move very quickly. Between 27 September and 1 October I was in a whirlwind of emotion, trying to arrange the move and frantically packing, I guess the urgency distracted me from the sadness of leaving the place where I had such strong memories of mum.

    Since I moved in, however, it has been like I've gone straight back to how I felt when I first lost mum. What makes it worse is I had neighbours who I could talk to or just say hello to at the old place but don't know anyone here. I know it will take time to get to know my neighbours but it seems so isolating. As for the finances, the cost of the move was massive, I still have a lot of mum's things which I couldn't face getting rid of under pressure and I now feel like I am slowly moving down a slippery slope.

    Most of my friends and family seem to have moved on and, to be honest do not want to hear any more sad stories from me and, to be honest it almost feels like I am being blamed for being so stupid and letting myself get into this position, maybe I was but I couldn't just sit back and let mum go through the hell of Alzheimer's alone.

    Anyway, whereas I thought I might by now be in a position to help others on this forum I now find I need the support and love shared on this forum again. There are only so many times a person can be shot down and, although I am a complete coward and could never do anything about it, I am at times wondering whether the long haul back is worth it and how much easier it would be to just give up.
     
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    9,765
    Merseyside
    Molly you've been through a massive upheaval this year.
    Moving house can be very stressful even when it's well planned never mind how yours was done.

    You said you'd hoped to help people here. You are helping. Your postvwill help someone.
    We all need love, support & help and by admitting that here you're helping others.
     
  3. Mrsbusy

    Mrsbusy Registered User

    Aug 15, 2015
    356
    Morning, firstly just stop and think how amazingly you have done since the start of this year. You have suffered the meanest of this disease and watched your lovely Kum suffering and deteriorating, you have supported her throughout and like lots of others no doubt given most of your own life up to do so.

    You have had a decision forced upon you, which I personally think is disgusting, maybe the move was necessary from the councils point of view but you should have been allowed more time before it was insisted upon. But you again coped with it, packed up, paid out, unpacked and tried your best to settle in.

    You have been living a roller coaster with your mums health and life, and sadly her death which has taken its toll AND you have also had to up sticks and resettle. The only more stressful thing you haven't done yet is divorce according to the stress level monitor! I wouldn't recommend that one!

    I think you feel very down as you are worn out with all the decision making, the responsibility and rushing about all physically and mentally exhausting. How about popping into the doctors and asking them to give you some medication to help you through this transition period as I think even strong people need help sometimes, and it will make you an even stronger person to take each day one at a time.

    Everyday, set yourself one target. It can be a job to do ie washing or wipe down paint work or something nice like going out for a coffee locally. Don't be so hard on yourself, your friends will be interested in helping you but you have to make the effort to ask them to help you. How about asking them round to your new home to view it and have a coffee and cake morning for them all?

    I'm sure if you wanted to visit the local carers group they would be happy to see you even just to have a chat who could understand the situation you have been living for so long. It is worth going on, and I'm sending you a huge gentle hug, and your mum is now sitting there telling you to start living your life as you deserve to after doing such a great job of helping her. Look at this move as a fresh start, you have untied the connections to your old home,albeit not your decision, but look at it as a point of moving on mentally too. You won't ever forget your mum and she will be with you no matter where you are.

    When you feel a little better look into volunteering one day a week maybe? Would you be able to be a befriended to someone else who is a carer perhaps? Have you got any pets as they really help you when you are down?

    Things will get better, you have travelled a long bendy road but you are now getting nearer the light at the end of the tunnel , so it's within your grasp. Make that GP appointment ASAP and treat yourself to something today, or get a good book to read and lose yourself in from the library. Be kind to yourself and keep us posted.
     
  4. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    You have been a wonderful daughter to your mum and she would be massively proud of you for helping her through her illness the way you did.

    You are most definitely not stupid, nor are you to blame for anything.

    There is no law to say you must be over it by now. It will take as long as it takes. We lost my MiL (no dementia) in May this year and although during the day my husband seems okay, with just the occasional wobble, he dreads the nights because as soon as he lays down and closes his eyes, he relives her time in hospital and her death all over again.

    So, be kind to yourself.

    As for moving house, especially under the circumstances that you have experienced, it's recognised that this is one of the most stressful things we can do, so again you need to give yourself time to get back onto an even keel.

    And don't worry about needing support again from TP members! It's honestly okay, everyone understands. And as Cat27 said, simply posting your own experience will help someone who is feeling the same way who maybe isn't quite ready to post yet. Knowing someone else feels the same is comforting.

    Big hugs x
     
  5. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    When children are babies, lots of Mums try to outdo each other on the progress their amazing offspring have made. ;) One might crawl very early on, another can chat, a third might be potty trained at 6 months. By the time they're all about 3, they've caught up with each other, but there's no hard and fast rule.

    And that's the same with grief. It's a roller coaster, and one minute you can feel fine, and another, it's as if you were bereaved only yesterday, and the wound is sore and raw. I am such a fan of lists, and when I'm feeling really down, I'll list ten happy things we shared, and then, one by one, I imagine that experience.

    This doesn't always work, sometimes I just yearn more for that time, other times I feel glad I had that time. You had such a lovely close relationship with your Mum, and you've had 2 huge upheavals in a short time - bereavement and moving. Hang on in there sweetie. :)
     
  6. Annie C

    Annie C Registered User

    Oct 14, 2015
    39
    Wales
    #6 Annie C, Oct 16, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2015
    You have truly been through the wringer, just a bereavement is enough to knock many folk flat, but when you've been caring for a person in extremis and then they die that's much harder to process. Just a move is traumatic, but a move from somewhere you know that held happy memories to somewhere completely new is doubly so. Both those things together ... please don't feel bad because you still need support, anyone would. Have you talked to your GP? There may be bereavement counselling available to you locally that would help, or a local support group that offers tea, cake and a good chat. (I'm new here so please excuse me if I'm suggesting things you're already doing.)
     
  7. Babymare01

    Babymare01 Registered User

    Apr 22, 2015
    296
    Oh lovey you really have been on a huge roller coaster of emotions and stress. The posts above give so much good advice. Please please do not even think you are stupid - caring ,loving, burnt out and tired? Oh yes but never stupid. Where is it written that there is a time limit to grieving? and on top of grieving you have coped with everything else. Hold your head high and be proud and kind to yourself. As suggested please speak to your doctor though.

    But most of all I want to send you a hug - remember you are not alone because so many people on here care. Be kind to yourself lovey xxxx
     
  8. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,740
    Molly I can only agree with the comments that others have made. Your Mother was so lucky to have you and you must be bereft. So many changes, so much sadness and a lot of happy memories waiting to bubble to the surface when the time is right. One happy memory a day!

    Our local carers group loves to have former carers come along - and it is a great opportunity for a coffee and a chat with people who understand whatever stage you are at.

    I had a day yesterday when everything went wrong and I was exhausted and I wanted my Mum back (the first mum before the memory loss lol) to share my woes with .......does that ever change (and we didn't even have a great relationship but somehow those bonds are still strong!!!).

    Sending you a big hug and a happy memory a day :)
     
  9. MollyMae23

    MollyMae23 Registered User

    Jan 7, 2012
    40
    I just read your comments and had a good cry. Thank you all so much. Sometimes all any of us need is to know that someone out there understands and you all did that.

    I will go and see a doctor, because I have moved I apparently can't go to my old practice any,ore so I need to register with a more local one. This is the pattern, everything and everyone I had associations with when caring for mum have moved into the past but I guess that is all part of moving on.

    I agree that the council seemed to be particularly callous, they have been hounding me to move out (initially telling me they would evict me) since December, before mum died (mum spent her last days in a combination of hospital and care home).

    I have looked everywhere and cannot find a local carers group, I tried to find one before. I guess some areas have them and other don't.

    I did have bereavement counselling really early after mum died because I was in such a state but it only lasted 8 weeks and even my counsellor said it was probably too early to be helpful. However, when I was pulling my hair out over the way mum was being treated in her first care home (see me previous posts) I referred myself for depression and anxiety counselling. I heard nothing they contacted me back in August and I have been seeing that counselling e dry 2-3 weeks. Mind you, she doesn't have a clue how it feels and has more than once told me I am feeling sorry for myself. When I first told her I had given up everything to care for mum she looked at me as if I was mad.

    What you posts have done for me more than anything is remind me how proud I had felt that I did stick with mum through it all. I was certain that she knew only love and understanding from me and I was so pleased that was how we parted. All of the stuff that has happened since then had made me forget that pride, you reminded me, thank you. You also reminded me that I do have strength, we all do. Watching a loved one struggle with any illness is hard and supporting them is harder. Sadly convincing hospital and care home staff that they are caring for a loving caring person is also hard.

    I guess what I am say is that your words of compassion and encouragement have reminded me that I tried to stop AD affecting mum, yes I lost in the end but for a long time I was winning. If I was strong enough to do that then I am strong enough to deal with this. But thank you again because we all need to feel understood sometimes and that's exactly what your posts did for me.

    Love to you all
     
  10. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,740
    Love to you too Molly.....one day at a time.
    I think sometimes the world seems a very cruel place with a lot of red tape and not much of a human touch and that was certainly the case with your flat but now you are starting all over again and it is tough but soon little lights will twinkle and new friendships will be made and life will seem a little brighter. Whereabouts in the country are you?
     
  11. AmandaMarie

    AmandaMarie Registered User

    Oct 16, 2015
    3
    I know it doesn't seem like it ..but it's all temporary..it will pass..you will come through stronger..

    ((HUGS))
     
  12. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    Glad we could help, and we will carry on helping if you carry on posting! Big hugs and love to you, Mollymae (love that name :)). Night night, I hope you get some sleep tonight xx
     
  13. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    Mollymae, what goes around, comes around. So many of us have received generous help and advice from others on TP, and if we can all give something back, it helps so much. xxx
     
  14. Mrsbusy

    Mrsbusy Registered User

    Aug 15, 2015
    356
    Two quick points you should be aware of. You are still able to visit your previous doctor until you are taken on by another one nearer to you. Have you told them you have even moved? If not then just make an appointment and see them as I feel if they are aware f situation you have been in they would be more sympathetic than a new GP who you don't really know. They would also know about local carers group I'd think.

    Secondly, there are some really useless counsellors out there, and speaking from experience, you are allowed to say to whoever has arranged it, you feel that this person isn't for you, and could you try someone else, if the current one is youngish they won't have a clue about much in respect of life experience. When I was assigned someone once she found out I worked at local government she spent MY time badgering me about benefits, council tax etc! I felt more like her counsellor.

    If there are no carers groups how about volunteering at a local school, or charity shop or even church groups, don't really have to attend church but they usually have something in the community going on, food banks etc. Salvation Army? Think about what you did precaring and see what skills you used in your job and offer them to a charity once a week?

    You will get there but slower than you had imagined but I think that goes for all of us.
     
  15. Cathy67

    Cathy67 Registered User

    Apr 16, 2014
    60
    Essex
    Hi MollyMae, I've just seen this post and wanted to say that I've been through a very similar experience, I lost my Mum on 31st December last year and have been forced to move out of the home we shared, and where I was born in and lived for 47 years. I also had about a week to pack and move and have moved somewhere about 20 miles away but is very quiet and I don't see anyone all day. It has been very difficult, especially this weekend (only been here three weeks but feels like 3 years). Not really sure what to say except you are most definitely not alone in this.
     
  16. MollyMae23

    MollyMae23 Registered User

    Jan 7, 2012
    40
    Thank you for your post. It does make a difference knowing that someone has experienced the exact experience. I hope it also gives you some comfort knowing you are not alone. I think the thing that comes into my mind all the time is that, although family carers get no credit whilst in the caring role when it ends its as if no consideration is made about how emotional and exhausting caring is. Don't get me wrong, I loved caring for mum (or more I loved her and wanted to help her) but when I was doing that I didn't have time to think about how I felt much. I sort of put it all on the back burner. So when mum had her fall and received such mediocre treatment from the hospitals and care homes I was already at a high stress level. When she died I felt both relief of that stress and great sorrow. Now if the authorities had any idea of the emotional roller coaster involved do you it would be impossible for them to give a little breathing space to enable us to accept our grief AND release the stress and pressure were have been experiencing.

    I have felt that no consideration has been made that, even, the attitude is taken 'yes okay so you cared for your mum but your free now so get on with it'. I don't necessary mean we need special treatment or do I? You see I got very little help whilst I looked after mum from anyone - family, social services, council or even doctor so I did what I did using my own instincts. I had to change massively to do this and frankly it took me a long time to get used to living a completely different life but now I am expected to just dust myself off and accept moving as a necessity because of the housing crisis and find myself a job or crash financially all whilst I am coming to terms with not only losing my wonderful mum but also what had become the purpose of my life during the five years, keeping her safe and as well as possible. If I had only been caring for a couple of years I might have been able to bounce back but because I got so involved over a long period llsing mum then our home has been a hard and bitter blow.

    I am luck lied than you as I didn't move very far but they moved me from a two bed flat to a tiny bedsit so I have the choice of getting rid of all the possessions which have such strong emotional significance or live in a totally cluttered environment.

    It took along time for carers to get acknowledge and helped whilst they were caring, I think there is a need for help for many during the first year after bereavement to try to stop us just giving up on life completely.
     
  17. Cathy67

    Cathy67 Registered User

    Apr 16, 2014
    60
    Essex
    Hi MollyMae, I've been thinking about you and wondering how you are getting on? x
     

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