when do you give in

rainbow 54

Registered User
Jul 3, 2006
:( .Hi have not posted for a while but i just dont know what to do anymore i am getting to the end of my tether my Mum only came to stay for a while but did not want go home even though she had a two bedroom council house 5 minutes away
I did not know she was getting dementia it just gradually crepted up on me i have a son at home and a fourteen year old daughter who has to sleep with me because my Mum has the bedroom, when i have mention about going home 2 years ago she said oh well if that what you think i better go home but when it came to it she did not .
I have cared for her for full time for the last 6years even though i help her and my father for near 14years due to her arthriitis and my dad emphsemia but its been the last 3 years that have been the hardest, I have to do everthing for her apart from taking her to the toilet and feeding her, i have to wash her because she does not do it properly and she is smelling, i ask her to go and wash she says she does but she doesnt only her face and hands and does not take her nightie off, she only cleans her teeth when i tell her,the she get funny with me saying oh sorry now what have i done wrong ect ect i dont do nothing right ect ect
she kee.p asking why my dad has not come to see her ,he has been dead six years, keeps saying she has been out to church and makes up such storys.
Now i get up in the morning and there is ecreament all over the sink, door, toilet seat, handle and bits on the floor that she has then walked in. i have to clean it up most day.
I have no husband and am on income support because i could not leave her all day otherwise she would not eat, i have had to take my daughter out to dentist and lefted her a sandwich and when i come back she has not eaten it and says she is saving it for my son.
My children are so fed up with it, because i feel so depressed and take things out on them.
Do you think i should make her go home, and not feel so guilty like she makes me feel i would still look after her at her own home nothing would change accept my children would get there life back
All day long i listen to her i try to make conversation with her but it just does no good she just talk to people on the t v like they are real and telling me thing that i know dont happen.
I spend a lot of time crying i have no other family to ask what to do my sister died 7 years ago and my father 6 years so its only me
She has other grandchildren but they dont worry about her its only my children
But they are all good giving advice, if it was not for my son i would not even be able to have a holiday and by what has happened the last time i went my son said he could not stand anymore of it.
My Mum sits in the bedroom and does not move only to go to the toilet she sits and watches t v all day, i am up and down the stairs all day with tea, breakfast. dinner, i ask her to come down to the lounge but she just wants to stay up there
please can someone tell me what i should do i dont know how much more i can take maybe i am not a very good carer other people seem to cope with out complaing i dont know anymore sorry for moaning i just feel i am going mad:(

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Hello Rainbow, I`m sorry you have so much on your plate. It`s obvious by your post that you are desperate for some help.
Is your mother being seen regularly by her doctor? Does she have a Social Worker? It seems things have got to a stage where you will be unable to even look after yourself if things continue as they are.
Please go to your doctor. Explain what you are going through and get some practical advice. You can`t continue like this.
All the best, Sylvia

rainbow 54

Registered User
Jul 3, 2006

Thanks Granny
No when i have taken her to the doctor in the past she convinces the doctor that she is fine and they end up telling me to rest and now i have not informed Social Services i did not want them to start getting involved because she says she is ok and when i suggest going to club, she then starts ok then well you just better let me go home and get on with it say to me do everything for you self thats what you should do ect ect ect

Tender Face

Account Closed
Mar 14, 2006
NW England
Hi Rainbow ... when someone tells you to 'get some rest', don't you just feel like saying 'And how exactly do you propose I do that?' I know I do......:(

I think the title of your thread says it all - you (and your children) have clearly done soooo much without help ... please try to see it not as 'giving in' but having the courage to recognise that things must change - for everybody's sake......

I think the Social Services route is the best bet - unlike a GP who generally considers the individual patient, SS should take into account the impact of the situation on the whole family...

You all deserve that ......

Much love .... Karen, x


Registered User
Feb 22, 2006
sort of north east ish
Hi Rainbow. Sorry you're having such a difficult and lonely time with all this. It sounds as though it's gone past your mum being able to go home. Don't give yourself a hard time telling yourself you're not a good carer ... maybe it comes more naturally to some people than others, but sounds like your dealing with a horribly difificult situation, one I think most people would find difficult / impossible.

Suggest you go to the GP armed with a list of all these things. I used to find it hard to remember just what I wanted to say when I finally got hold of my dad's GP. A list of concerns about mum might make it easier. Would maybe be a good idea to contact social services, or get your GP to refer you.

.... and I suggest you do it sooner rather than later ........ you sound pretty much at the end of your tether and that's not doing anyone much good.

best wishes



Registered User
May 14, 2006
If you could persuade your mother to go to an Age Concern or similar Day Centre for one or two days a week it would at least give you a short break. It is also possible for some centres to shower or bath people and wash their hair, which could be useful.
I don't think it is fair on your children or yourself to carry on looking after her full time and she certainly couldn't go home to live by herself. The Social Services really should provide a suitable Care Package, which may involve Respite Care or eventually a Care Home.
If you didn't have full time responsibility for your Mum, it would be possible for you to enjoy her company more and just talk to her instead of running around trying to cope with too many things at once. Maybe the Library or local newspaper have details of Voluntary Organisations which might give you some social support and help you to make new friends.
Take care,


Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
Lancs, England
Carer's Assessment

Hi Rainbow, Please get in touch with Social Services. Ask if someone can come to see you and ask for a "Carer's Assessment". They come with pages of questions regarding your day to day life caring for your mother. You will probably find it is the first step to getting other people to understand your predicament. It doesn't involve your mother saying she is quite O.K. It is about YOU
Best Wishes Aileen


Registered User
Feb 24, 2006
Yes, I think you should make her go home, (if you can), and not feel guilty, and tell her and Social Services that you will not be looking after her full-time. Not sure what happens if she refuses to go though.


rainbow 54 said:

Do you think i should make her go home, and not feel so guilty like she makes me feel i would still look after her at her own home nothing would change accept my children would get there life back



Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
Your right you well go mad if you do not seek outside help from Social services.

From reading your post it seem that your mother is not seeing logic and while your living in it you won’t see it that your mother not talking logic , when you can see that that’s the point your ask for outside help you know deep inside you your mum can’t go home as you said

because i could not leave her all day otherwise she would not eat.
You got to summon up the inner courage to over ride what your mother is saying to you in not wanting to go to day centre , in wanting to go home , you need the help to carry on caring for your mother be it in a care home or at home with you .

(A)Your mother can give up her council house if you are in a council house as its small for you can give up your house/flat, you can see your housing manger and they can give you a bigger house that is suitable for all of you.

( you need the support from SW to do that )

Ifs it is all got to much for you now, talk to social worker so you can have emergency respite, while on respite see where you want to do, (That help me )

Of cause your mum not going to like it , if anything like my mother , but you have to assert yourself over your mother care as all she got is you , and if you go down anymore who going to be there for your children and your mother.

I have been in your shoes in every thing you have said above , my children also hate seeing me depress, that was my main arm in picking myself up in asking for outside help with my mother from Social services , I know how resilient your mother going to be with you when you do this, again only because my mother was to me.

I am finally moving to a bigger house after 2 long year, it may work out it may not, I leave my option open. You to have option, only going alone without outside help , I felt I had no option it was all so out of my control help from social service gave me option and control .

PS when I say Control I mean control only of myself
Last edited:


Registered User
Feb 24, 2006
Whenever anyone posts a question like that in here there is bound to be contradictory advice as there isn't a "right" answer, (if there were you'd know it already), and no-one in here has been in anyone else's shoes, each patient/client is different and each family situation is different.

But you do not have a duty of care to a parent in this country and you do have a duty of care to your children.

Have you been on to Social Services yet?