when do we stop feeling so much self pity so we can try to help others

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by bel, May 9, 2007.

  1. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    757
    coventry
    i feel i am closer but it feels like i am giving up on my hubby which is not so
    i feel i should make a diffrence for him but i am doing everything i can
    love bel x
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,577
    Kent
    Dear bel,

    You are not giving up on your husband, you are facing up to his illness. By getting closer to facing up to it, you are helping him the best way you can.

    By facing up to it and not denying it, you will make a difference.

    You are giving him what no one else can.

    With love xx
     
  3. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi bel

    I think many people here will identify with what you say, in their own circumstances.

    Sylvia talks sense. It may not feel like it, but you are making a difference, even if you can't sense it at present. That comes later.
     
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear bel

    I don't think it is self-pity you are feeling.

    You are grieving for the loss of the lovely relationship you had with your husband, and those of us caring for spouses can relate to that.

    Your husband is also grieving, so perhaps it would help you if you could see this as another problem you have to work through together? I know from your posts how good you are at that.

    Don't put yourself down, bel. You're doing a great job. You love your husband so much, we can all see that. And he loves you too.

    Your relationship is different now, but it can still be good.

    Love,
     
  5. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    757
    coventry
    i am facing up to to things this illness

    i will not be able to help others yet
    like brucie lional grannie g and al of you
    bob and i can still talk a bit
    sorry
    me in denial
    love bel x sorry me off loading
     
  6. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,577
    Kent
    Bel, I don`t think you are in denial. I think you are facing up to it day by day.

    It`s true you find it heartbreaking, but you are not denying it.

    Like you and Bob, Dhiren and I can still talk a bit. The sad part with us, is he forgets what we`ve talked about a few minutes later. Is it the same with you?

    Don`t apologise for off loading either. That`s what we all do. That`s what TP is here for.

    Take care, with love,
     
  7. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Such wise and sensible posts from everyone.

    Dear Bel, just wanted to send you

    {{{HUGS}}}

    and echo what everyone else says. You are a loving and caring woman, doing the best for your beloved husband. No-one could ask for more.
    Just take care of yourself too.
     
  8. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    18,972
    Derbyshire
    You sound as if you are feeling guilty cos you cannot 'help others'. You still have to help yourself and your husband through this 'coming to terms' with the situation.

    It is hard and we have all been through that - so look after yourself and sound off here whenever you feel like it. In that way you will get support from all of us who have been through so many similar feelings and experiences.

    In some ways you will find it easier as you adjust to the situation 'day by day'.
    It is tough but take all the help you can when it is offered.

    Look after yourself - that is very important Best wishes Beckyjan
     
  9. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    #9 Skye, May 11, 2007
    Last edited: May 11, 2007
    Bel, BeckyJan's right. Don't worry about helping others.

    Think of TP as a loan club! We all pay in with our support when we have strength to spare, and we can draw out that support from others when we need it.

    You have given so much in the past, and will again in the future. Just for now, you need us to support you, and we all want to do that.

    We all think the world of you, so don't ever apologise. Just stay strong, and enjoy your time with Bob as much as you can.

    Love,
     
  10. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    We spread ourselves so much

    Dear Bel, You have the support of everyone here on T.P. What you are feeling we also feel. My main concern is that whilst Peter is in Care Home I treasure the visits. When I leave there is such a void. Many times I have wanted to bring him home. I know he is in the best place but I try to stay strong for my 4 children & 6 Grandchild, one who is off the Irag, my eldest son has come out of remission from bowel cancer, so I as a Mother and Grandmother try to stay strong for them. I have just said good-bye to the 7 & 11 year old, after a week-end sleep over. I ended up on the settee. My Grandaughter said I love your bedroom to which I replied I no longer do. Why? Because Grandad is not here. I have been trying to change little things around in the home but why I call it home I don't know. Perhaps it is that during the 16 years that Peter & I have been married it has always been a happy family home. Come one come ye all children & grandchildren. Because of my disabilities I have very bad days and I know I am unable to drive to the Care Home GUILTY again. Frustration, anger you name it and we all experience vertually the same. Told you must concentrate on getting you life back on track. That is easier said than done. My visits to Peter, I am told I am the only one who visits regular. Some of the other patients recognise my face and think I have come to visit them. When they hold your hand and you look into their eyes I cannot just walk by. Then I get so annoyed that they do not have regular visits. Although it is not my problem, I take it on board. You are doing a brilliant job and never forget that you are careing for the person you fell in love with. Even if they do give us hard times, we know that it is down to the illness. Take care of yourself. God Bless. Christine
     
  11. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    may be you don't relish it now , but you could be helping other just asking that question .

    As I use to ask myself that many a time , why am I crying , why can't I cope , why is this happening to me . still do why am I over flowing with self pity and I should not be

    Could be right , but I still cry :rolleyes: :) and some days are worse then other .

    thanks for sharing Bel .
     
  12. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    that's brilliant!:)
     

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