When do I tell Mum - help pls

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Bikerbeth, Nov 12, 2019.

  1. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    458
    Bedford
    Mum is early stages in terms of cognition but unsafe at home so with her agreement is going to trial a care home for 4 weeks starting today
    Her sister died this morning. When do I tell her?
    My feeling is to wait until she is at the home
    Help please as I really don’t know
     
  2. Pete1

    Pete1 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2019
    236
    Male
    Hi @Bikerbeth, that really is a conundrum - a really difficult situation. Do you think your Mum will remember later in the day if you told her this morning? Or would it be 'news' to her? I think that could have a bearing on when you tell her? If it isn't information that she would retain other than for a short period of time do you need to let her know today?
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,871
    Kent
    Oh Dear!

    If your mum is in regular contact with her sister I would tell her now, just once and not again.

    If they do not see each other often I would leave it until she asks.
     
  4. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,779
    Female
    South coast
    Im sorry to hear about your aunt. I think I would wait until your mum is in the home (or perhaps even tomorrow, or whenever you next see her)before telling her. I wouldnt want to risk her being upset just before she goes in and her changing her mind about the respite.
     
  5. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    458
    Bedford
    @Pete1 @canary @Grannie G thank you
    Mum was in regular content with her sister until sister could not speak. She asks nearly every day if we have had an update
    Mum will remember the information and she will retain it tomorrow
    I have rung home for their suggestions too but I think tomorrow would be an idea
     
  6. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,311
    Female
    Chester
    I wouldn't tell her today, it won't matter if she finds out a day or so late, she won't know you've withheld the information I assume.

    Once she's had a couple of days to settle in the home would be my thoughts.

    There are many threads on DTP about taking PWD to funerals, often advised against, but from all you've said I suspect it might be the right thing for your mum.

    The security blanket of the home might make her anxiety less, and mean she will be more able to cope with the news as well.
     
  7. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    458
    Bedford
    Gets better - brother from a distance has told me I have to tell Mum today or he will. So angry.
    So now I have to avoid Him contacting Mum by phone
    @jugglingmum - you are right and I had no question in my mind that Mum will go to the funeral
     
  8. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,311
    Female
    Chester

    I'm afraid my OH would be like that - 'has a right to know'

    Can you surreptitiously unplug the house phones? Or does mum have access to a mobile?
     
  9. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    458
    Bedford
    Fortunately Mum is a bit deaf so I have left her watching Homes Under the Hammer’ to distract her whilst I pack the last few items and she won’t hear the phone. Fortunately no ability to use a mobile.
    ‘Has a right to know’ is infuriating- brilliant when it is not them picking up the pieces
     
  10. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    458
    Bedford
    #10 Bikerbeth, Nov 12, 2019
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2019
    I thank you all for your advise. After talking to the Care Home we felt it was better to let Mum have time in familiar surroundings. I told Mum and obviously we had a good cry together. Then old pragmatic Mum appeared a little while ago and said ‘well I’m all packed so I might as well go tomorrow now’. I think I am very lucky
     
  11. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    780
    Female
    cornwall
    Yes you are.It doesn’t happen often!
     
  12. Pete1

    Pete1 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2019
    236
    Male
    Oh @Bikerbeth, what a traumatic day for you both. I hope all goes to plan tomorrow. All the best.
     
  13. silver'lantern

    silver'lantern Registered User

    Apr 23, 2019
    177
    Female
    oh my @Bikerbeth this has been a stressy day for you. I think you have handled it brilliantly. Asking/considered advice and considered your mums feelings. All in all, despite the the interference from distance brother, you made a decision that was right for mum. Well done, I am sorry about your Aunt and hope mum settles in the home, and sees the benefits of living the care home community.
     
  14. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    458
    Bedford
    Thank you
     
  15. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    458
    Bedford
    Thank you. It is strange- my first thought really was to take Mum to the home still and tell her tomorrow. However what the Care home said also made sense and I just went with my gut instinct and I think Mum has been amazing
     

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