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When do I tell Mum - help pls

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,706
Bedford
Mum is early stages in terms of cognition but unsafe at home so with her agreement is going to trial a care home for 4 weeks starting today
Her sister died this morning. When do I tell her?
My feeling is to wait until she is at the home
Help please as I really don’t know
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
893
Hi @Bikerbeth, that really is a conundrum - a really difficult situation. Do you think your Mum will remember later in the day if you told her this morning? Or would it be 'news' to her? I think that could have a bearing on when you tell her? If it isn't information that she would retain other than for a short period of time do you need to let her know today?
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
72,104
Kent
Oh Dear!

If your mum is in regular contact with her sister I would tell her now, just once and not again.

If they do not see each other often I would leave it until she asks.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,897
South coast
Im sorry to hear about your aunt. I think I would wait until your mum is in the home (or perhaps even tomorrow, or whenever you next see her)before telling her. I wouldnt want to risk her being upset just before she goes in and her changing her mind about the respite.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,706
Bedford
@Pete1 @canary @Grannie G thank you
Mum was in regular content with her sister until sister could not speak. She asks nearly every day if we have had an update
Mum will remember the information and she will retain it tomorrow
I have rung home for their suggestions too but I think tomorrow would be an idea
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
5,956
Chester
I wouldn't tell her today, it won't matter if she finds out a day or so late, she won't know you've withheld the information I assume.

Once she's had a couple of days to settle in the home would be my thoughts.

There are many threads on DTP about taking PWD to funerals, often advised against, but from all you've said I suspect it might be the right thing for your mum.

The security blanket of the home might make her anxiety less, and mean she will be more able to cope with the news as well.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,706
Bedford
Gets better - brother from a distance has told me I have to tell Mum today or he will. So angry.
So now I have to avoid Him contacting Mum by phone
@jugglingmum - you are right and I had no question in my mind that Mum will go to the funeral
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,706
Bedford
I'm afraid my OH would be like that - 'has a right to know'

Can you surreptitiously unplug the house phones? Or does mum have access to a mobile?
Fortunately Mum is a bit deaf so I have left her watching Homes Under the Hammer’ to distract her whilst I pack the last few items and she won’t hear the phone. Fortunately no ability to use a mobile.
‘Has a right to know’ is infuriating- brilliant when it is not them picking up the pieces
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,706
Bedford
I thank you all for your advise. After talking to the Care Home we felt it was better to let Mum have time in familiar surroundings. I told Mum and obviously we had a good cry together. Then old pragmatic Mum appeared a little while ago and said ‘well I’m all packed so I might as well go tomorrow now’. I think I am very lucky
 
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TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,821
cornwall
I thank you all for your advise. After talking to the Care Home we felt it was better to let Mum have time I’m familiar surroundings. I told Mum and obviously we had a good cry together. Then old pragmatic Mum appeared a little while ago and said ‘well I’m all packed so I might as well go tomorrow now’. I think I am very lucky
Yes you are.It doesn’t happen often!
 

silver'lantern

Registered User
Apr 23, 2019
166
oh my @Bikerbeth this has been a stressy day for you. I think you have handled it brilliantly. Asking/considered advice and considered your mums feelings. All in all, despite the the interference from distance brother, you made a decision that was right for mum. Well done, I am sorry about your Aunt and hope mum settles in the home, and sees the benefits of living the care home community.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
1,706
Bedford
oh my @Bikerbeth this has been a stressy day for you. I think you have handled it brilliantly. Asking/considered advice and considered your mums feelings. All in all, despite the the interference from distance brother, you made a decision that was right for mum. Well done, I am sorry about your Aunt and hope mum settles in the home, and sees the benefits of living the care home community.
Thank you. It is strange- my first thought really was to take Mum to the home still and tell her tomorrow. However what the Care home said also made sense and I just went with my gut instinct and I think Mum has been amazing
 

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