1. JackyS

    JackyS Registered User

    Mar 14, 2010
    I have a friend who worked in a care home ( some time ago). She saw many people die and she told me that she firmly believed people choose (as much as is possible) when they die. She knows that some people hung on for their son/daughter/husband/wife to make it to their bedside while others waited until their loved ones had left their bedside.

    So, there is no right or wrong - just what's right or wrong for the individual involved, I guess?

    I find this comforting. My Dad died in hospital many years ago. We'd all been to see him the evening before but he died alone overnight. His last words to me were "yes, ****** off" - when I'd asked him if we were all making him tired and should we leave him for the evening. It made me laugh at the time (as it was intended to) and it makes me smile now.

    When Mum's time comes, I hope to be with her. I think she would prefer us all there - but she doesn't like to cause anyone any trouble, so maybe not. Maybe, it's just that I don't like to think of her on her own at that stage. We can only do our best xx
  2. Soobee

    Soobee Registered User

    Aug 22, 2009
    JackyS, that made me laugh too. I was with dad when he went but he didn't want me to hold his hand so I said "fine, I'll just sit here and do as I'm told then" for which I am sure he attempted a smile. I doubt I will be there for mum - I hope she slips away peacefully in her nursing home rather than at hospital.
  3. http://tinyurl.com/cmhngjz
    DEMENTIA information for carers, families and friends of people with severe and end stage dementia

  4. Mouse2014

    Mouse2014 Registered User

    Mar 9, 2014
    The end of life care in Mums nursing home was brilliant.

    Mum was literally at end of life for 7 days. We found the mouth swabs very useful as Mums mouth and tongue were very dry and flaky ( we used Blistex on her lips which were absolutely fine) .
    We did find the breathing exceptionally difficult to deal with, it changed from Cheyne-stokes laboured breathing with big pauses ( several times there were 47 second pauses between breaths, we thought she’d gone) to seriously sickening and loud gurgling of the death rattle which lasted for 5 days. I ended up having to wear earplugs as the sound drove me to the edge of madness.

    The syringe driver was topped up and additional doses given as the staff couldn’t get Mums pain and agitation levels sorted. It finally took about 12 hours of exceptional nursing care to get Mum pain free.

    The one thing that no-one had mentioned and I didn’t see it written down anywhere was the possibility of green mucousy secretions from Mums mouth, They had to lie her on her side to allow it to drain. It was horrendous. It smelled absolutely foul and to be fair, traumatised is as a family. Carers latterly came in every 10 minutes to clear her mouth and change her cloths. They did so well.

    The staff mentioned to me that in many cases, more than others, the person waits till family members have left before they pass. This happened to another family when I was in the home, the daughter had been with her Mum for 5 day/night and she had to leave room for coffee, when she came back in 5 minutes later her Mum had gone. I left the room regularly for air and to stretch m6 legs but always told Mum I was going out, just in case she wanted to go when I was out the room.

    Our Mum left, we believe, after a visit from the minister. We think this is what she had been waiting for as all the medical staff simply couldn’t understand why Mum was still alive. She died shortly after he left. Perhaps if your loved one is religious, spiritual comfort may bring peace

    I know each death is different but nothing can fully prepare you for the sounds, sights and smells in the final weeks/days of life. It can be traumatic for those watching their loved ones. We certainly found it traumatising and I am struggling to deal with what Mum went through.

    For anyone who is to go through this, please take care of yourself, take breaks away from the bedside and I wish you all much love as it’s a devastatingly difficult and sad time x

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