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When Death Is Near

Bookworm

Registered User
Jan 30, 2009
2,581
0
Co. Derry
Close to dying

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has taken the time and pain to contribute to this very sad but very helpful thread.
 

crazyjude

Registered User
Nov 30, 2007
44
0
Yorkshire UK
thankyou

this article is very helpful to me at the moment. My dad is in the last stages of heart failure and I was feeling confused over his restless movements and unfocused sight.
 

lotus

Registered User
Mar 24, 2010
109
0
cloud cuckoo land!!!!!!!!!!!
when death is near i hope you get a person with some humanity

i cant expect any answers here to convince me. my mother was in final stages fro two wks. i demanded sedation then morphine when her chest was tight. did the sedation end her life with the morphine. i ashsmed to say but i wanted her release.her room was grim no view no fresh cool air. appalling food vacant staff ( PUTTING SOLIED C DIFF WIPES ON HER DINING TABLE) it was unreal.

final kind at to her was lying her completely flat due to her flud build up on lungs she turned dark blue. this is basic nursing surely. my mothers eyes pleaded with me 'help me' christ i should have kicked them out then and there its the betrayal of trust we put in these people who in my experience do not care(do not wish to generalise or offend)
i cant forgive .
 

lotus

Registered User
Mar 24, 2010
109
0
cloud cuckoo land!!!!!!!!!!!
ps

question everything become a pain in the ****. email the chief exec every day. let them know this is your mother. treat her with respect. it gets past point of offending anyone. its your parents right to be shown dignity. report shoddy behaviour. we'll change this eventually.
 

lotus

Registered User
Mar 24, 2010
109
0
cloud cuckoo land!!!!!!!!!!!
apologies

i have re-read my thread and feel it was irrelivant regarding the original issue. talking about being a pain in the a**** was innapropriate and i'm so sorry for that. i just meant make sure your loved one gets all they need.

my anger got the better of me! forgive me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 

Carer1

Registered User
Jul 26, 2010
92
0
Manchester
Thanks for that, I understand now that I've now seen most of the transition. I'm printing it out to pass to my brothers tomorrow.

xx
 

alex

Registered User
Apr 10, 2006
1,665
0
Hi

I've only just seen this thread and found it very very painful as it brought back many memories, however, i do wish i'd seen it 4 years ago, i'm sure that it would have helped..... i'm sure it will help many in the future who are trying to deal with a loved one on the "The Pathway"

Love Alex
 

Charizomai

Registered User
Aug 17, 2010
90
0
Cape Town
www.metameerkat.com
Thank You

To add to the post above mine about offering fluids to someone who is dying - this is not good practice as the person could aspirate. Offering fluids (preferably thickened) at the beginning of the dying process is acceptable by syringe if the swallowing reflex remains intact. Where there is no swallowing reflex it is best to use mouth swabs to keep the mouth moist and fresh. Giving fluids when the person really can't accept them is more of a danger than a help at this stage and can cause extreme discomfort which the dying person might not be able to communicate effectively.

I have no other words than Thank You. I will watch my mom carefully. Yet, I have been told that it is important to offer food and water, but is this not cruel if someone no longer swallows?!
 

CraigC

Registered User
Mar 21, 2003
6,631
0
London
I have no other words than Thank You. I will watch my mom carefully. Yet, I have been told that it is important to offer food and water, but is this not cruel if someone no longer swallows?!

Hi Charizomai,

I can only speak of my experience as I'm not medically qualified. Hopefully you can get some specific medical advice too.

In dad's last month I took a lot of advice off the nurses and carers who had been through this stage before. We discussed a lot of options, but we did keep offering very small amounts of water and puréed food. Ever hour or so with liquid and less frequently with food. Dad would occasionally gulp a small amount of water. But, the risk of aspiration outweighed the lack of fluid intake. The body seems to take over and decide what it wants. Mouth care / hygiene is the most important thing. Make sure the mouth is clean and never dry, if a person bits on the mouth swabs this may indicate thirst, in that case we'd offer small amounts of water - near the end with a spoon. Dabbing the mouth with a tissue would encourage the swallowing reflex, or another trick is to offer another empty spoon when the last mouthful is being held in the mouth, this sometimes encourages swallowing.

To answer your specific question, no I don't think it is cruel to offer small amounts of food fluid. Your not forcing, your offering. It is only when the swallowing reflex goes completely (again in my experience) that it is no long appropriate to offer any liquid. We'd never push it. Little and often if possible.

Hope you can keep your mum comfortable at this difficult time and please ask any more questions if you need to.

Kind Regards
Craig
 
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Boudeca2007

Registered User
Oct 29, 2011
92
0
I've not read this thread before and have ' been away ' for quite a while.

I really wish that the Nursing Home Nurse had asked little sis and me to go to see Mum when it must have been obvious to her that she was near death. The day we visited Mum the Nurse said she had noticed ' marbling ' on her elbows. I didn't realise the significance of this until after she had passed. Early morning at 6.45 am we got the ' call ' from the Nursing Home. I was devastated that we were not there. I wanted to be there with her so did little sis. Like we were there for our late Dad. This happend last November after her suffering with gangrene of the foot for 6 months and had been in Nursing Homes since 2004. She started with Fronto Temporal Dementia when she was 70. My main concern after the shock was was she alone ? The Nurse said no someone was with her. Why didn't they contact me before ? Questions, questions which can never be answered or act upon.

All through Mums nursing home care little sis and me did everything we could to make her comfortable and that all her needs were met regarding Nursing care. We just wanted to be with her when she passed but that was not to be.

My sympathies to all those who are grieving for a lost parent , or relative , past and present. xxx
 

Arthur8956

Registered User
Jan 2, 2013
2
0
Swansea, Wales
My Dad

I have just read the link "When Death is Near". I found it very emotional but practical.

I remember being at the hospital when one of my Grandfathers was near the end. (He did not have dementia). For some reason the family decided to take a break and go away re-freshen up and come back with in that time my Grandfather passed away it was as if he did not want us all to see him. (there was one member of the family there at the end.
My Grandmother passed away in similar circumstances but we were there, it was so emotional it was awful but a blessing for my GM.

I know being the eldest sibling that I am going have to be strong for my 2 brothers and sister when my Dad finally goes. He has dementia.
I am not sure I am going to be strong enough mentally to hold my siblings and my mother together, even though we will probably be there for each other, even though we do not "talk" through our problems.

I would like to show my Mum this link but she would just deny it.

Sorry if this is a bit of a whine, but I wish I could swap places with dad so my family can be happy. (yes i know that is a stupid thing to say).:eek:
 

CraigC

Registered User
Mar 21, 2003
6,631
0
London
Arthur,

You will be surprised at the inner strength you conjure up when the time comes. That doesn't mean you won't cry and crumble once in a while, but something kicks in, that gave me inner strength. Its very painful of course but humbling too. I didn't think about the end too much, but glad I was a little prepared. Hope you get the right support and strength when that difficult time comes. And there are not stupid questions, death is one of the most difficult things we have to deal with...hence the denial.

Just my experience and thoughts
Kind regards
Craig
 

Soobee

Registered User
Aug 22, 2009
2,731
0
South
Because I click on New Posts more often than going into each forum I have never seen this link before. What a useful document! I got my information about death from other threads on here and it really did help to know what was happening when my dad died.

I will read it when I think I might need it for mum.
 

cazdav2bd04118

Registered User
Feb 17, 2013
2
0
helpfull

Just found this site tonight and found so much that helps or give clues as to what to do. Just read this twice for it to sink in and it does help. Thank you
 

Lou

Registered User
Jun 8, 2005
12
0
question everything become a pain in the ****. email the chief exec every day. let them know this is your mother. treat her with respect. it gets past point of offending anyone. its your parents right to be shown dignity. report shoddy behaviour. we'll change this eventually.

You are right on in this post. I have been reading some of this link, trying to find where I might it and ran across this blog.

I live in America, in Texas. My mom was 99 1/2 when she died. She had ALZ for over 10 years. I was there and she was on Hospice. They were with her 24/7 from the time she had the stroke that took her until she passed. We didn't offer her food or drink, just wet her lips with a wet rag. The Hospice people we had were wondrful and are the greatest in helping die with dignity.

LOU
 

stuffs

Registered User
Dec 11, 2009
4
0
Crewe
Death is very near

I was called in to my father's nursing home in early January as the nurse thought he had not long to live. However, he rallied although he has been bed-bound since then.I had spent the afternoon with him last Thursday, 9th May, and was called back in at 10pm because they thought he had deteriorated. I stayed until it appeared he was sleeping as his breathing was regular. This morning, Saturday, I was called in again because they thought this afternoon would be too late. The staff seem to think someone should be with him all the time so that he doesn't die alone, but it is not practical for them as the have other duties. I stayed only 2 hours because I had promised to visit my husband who is in hospital.

I have tried to ensure my father is not in pain by discussing it with his GP. The plan had been to go from low strength co-codomol which he was on last week, to high strength, to codeine and then liquid morphine to a patch. However, as he became unable to swallow the dissolved co-codomol earlier in the week, I was told the GP was going to prescribe a patch. I have just phoned and been told he has had a fentanyl patch applied and he is sleeping peacefully.
I'm not sure there is any point in my sitting there for hours because I could have been there since January waiting! I have the feeling though that generally people think someone should not be alone when they die - but as everything has been said and everything has been read to him - it is not realistic. Can anyone reassure me that it is ok?
 

angelface

Registered User
Oct 8, 2011
1,085
0
london
There is the idea that in some way the dying person waits for his loved ones to leave before he passes away.

My dad did exactly that, and it almost felt as though he wanted to spare us seeing his final breath.

Don't worry, whatever you do will be all right. You have said everything that needs to be said.

Thinking of you.

G
 

FifiMo

Registered User
Feb 10, 2010
4,705
0
Wiltshire
Hiya Stuffs,

So sorry that you are finding yourself in this situation. The truth of the matter is that you cannot be in two places at once and the care home should understand this. Your husband is in hospital and it is right that you give him your attention. Of course in an ideal world you might choose to be there with your dad, but then again you might not. Although people want to be with someone when they die, many people also don't want to be there. There is no right and wrong.

You are doing your best, the care home are doing their best too. I don't think anyone, including your dad could ask for more.

Take care,

Fiona