Thought long and hard about posting this ….. but decided on balance it’s worth sharing ….. It’s very personal to my own circumstances but if it gives a glimmer of understanding to anyone then - as always - I lay my soul bare …..
Almost a year ago I posted about being ‘grateful’ for the long goodbye ….. I knew many might find it difficult to understand ….. I could barely understand it myself ….
I’ve had to look back myself at some of what I wrote then ……
How I wish I had had unconditional love from my mum throughout the years. How sad it is that I seemed to have gained, only now, her appreciation of anything I attempt. How sad it is, that only now, because she recognises when lucid, just how vulnerable she is, just what I do for her, that she actually NEEDS me and that I am not just a ‘trophy’ child.
I have spent so much of my life treading on eggshells, trying to please where others find love unconditionally …..to simply gain acceptance.
For a while there I finally had the mother I have always craved ….. lost myself in sweet delusion that I was caring for someone who had ever genuinely cared for me…
Took a big ‘reality hit’ this week - when my mother’s bitterness finally shone through again …. and find myself not weeping for her demise but for what I never had …for what she never did, or what she did to make life more difficult for me …..
Selfish? Yes. Maybe it’s time to be. To cope with a ‘harder heart’, maybe?
Karen, x
Almost a year ago I posted about being ‘grateful’ for the long goodbye ….. I knew many might find it difficult to understand ….. I could barely understand it myself ….
I’ve had to look back myself at some of what I wrote then ……
How I wish I had had unconditional love from my mum throughout the years. How sad it is that I seemed to have gained, only now, her appreciation of anything I attempt. How sad it is, that only now, because she recognises when lucid, just how vulnerable she is, just what I do for her, that she actually NEEDS me and that I am not just a ‘trophy’ child.
I have spent so much of my life treading on eggshells, trying to please where others find love unconditionally …..to simply gain acceptance.
For a while there I finally had the mother I have always craved ….. lost myself in sweet delusion that I was caring for someone who had ever genuinely cared for me…
Took a big ‘reality hit’ this week - when my mother’s bitterness finally shone through again …. and find myself not weeping for her demise but for what I never had …for what she never did, or what she did to make life more difficult for me …..
Selfish? Yes. Maybe it’s time to be. To cope with a ‘harder heart’, maybe?
Karen, x