What's there, when there appears to be nothing left ...

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by kindred, Jul 6, 2019.

  1. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    2,175
    Sweetheart, thank you for this message. I am so sorry to hear about your depression. You say that you are expected to carry on with your life and everything is OK now. One of the HUGE things that helped me is the fact that the carers where Keith was are from different cultures, Polish and African mainly. They all honoured what I was doing, being with Keith every day, because to them it was what a good wife would do. BUT friends outside, English, were more of the develop your own life, move on etc etc which is not helpful. Keith was my life, while he was alive I didn't want any other. Of course you want him with you. Up to Keith's death I was thrilled to bits with a smile, just to touch his arm, anything. With you all the way.
    with love, Geraldine aka kindredxxxx
     
  2. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    2,175
    Thank you all and with all my heart for your loving messages of support, understanding and empathy. Means the absolute world to me.
    Slowly, gradually, I will ease myself back into this wonderful forum. I guess I just needed the reassurance I still had something to offer.
    with love and great thanks
    Geraldinexxx
     
  3. Jean1234

    Jean1234 Registered User

    Mar 19, 2015
    252
    I have been away from the forum for a while. Was so sad to hear that your lovely man has left us but is now at peace and away from this dreadful dementia. You have been such a rock for him and such a wonderful helpful person to the rest of us dealing with the same. A big hug to you and I do hope you stay with us when you feel able.
     
  4. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    My dear Geraldine....
    I haven’t been on TP for quite a while but I felt the need to find out how you are.

    I was so very sad to hear about Keith.
    I just wanted you to know how very sad I am for you.

    I have spent the last 3 years trying to be there for my cousin, her husband died. Like you and Keith, they were a devoted couple.
    She has found it truly hard, I know she will never get over losing her husband after watching him so poorly for some years.
    I try to tell her that her husband will always be there with her. It’s the wonderful memories she has. We talk about him and their life together all the time. We laugh together often at some of the outrageous things he did....

    I’m no saint, but I care and I am lucky to have found someone that I can talk to and share even our most private thoughts. I don’t know what I would do without her, she tells me it is a two way street.

    I hope you have someone you can talk to about Keith, about your life together, and how special your love for each other has been.... and still is.
    Because Keith is still with you, he always will be in your precious memories.
    I hope you can learn to smile with those memories very soon.

    Share your memories Geraldine.

    I’m sending so much love to you.
    You have been and are so important to me.
    Thank you for being so special.
    Love Barbara xx
     
  5. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    2,175
    Barbara! It's so wonderful to hear from you and I have wondered about you so often, your man and the pussycat. I am so sorry about your cousin losing her beloved husband.
    Keith died just over four weeks ago. By dementia standards, his death was a good one, calm, surrounded by love. He could not have gone on living as he was, paralysed and brain dead. We chose not to have a funeral but have had a lot of little private ceremonies with more to come and my son is working on a very beautiful memorial. Obviously, the paperwork and the protocols were horrifying but they get less.
    I'm doing all right, bless you. I am now a very official volunteer at Keith's home, police check coming etc (DBS) and I love it. I volunteer as an activity person and 1:1.
    I have astonishing memories of our lives together and keep getting insights. One I had this week was to wonder why my memories are all so luminous. Then I realised that so much of our life together was lived in the early morning because we started our wildlife work before dawn so we could experience dawn together and the light then is like nothing else …
    Anyway, yes, I can talk about Keith when I need to, I don't really need to at the moment. But I'm sure I will.
    So so good to hear from you, Barbara and one day, when you can, I would so love to hear how you are getting on.
    You have always been so important to me. Thank you with all my heart.
    With love, Geraldinexxxx
     
  6. Cazzita

    Cazzita Registered User

    May 12, 2018
    462
    So sorry to hear this news. Wishing you love and strength to get through this time xxx
     
  7. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    678
    Female
    Dear Geraldine
    Thank you so much for replying to my message. Your message warmed my heart... you really are a selfless person. I admire you so much. I’m so pleased you are an official volunteer at Keith’s home, and how fortunate are those residents that will have you as a one to one. I can feel that this could be a positive move for you.

    I feel for you with all the different emotions you must be going through. Keith was your life.... dementia and all that goes with that is such a dreadful thing, but as I’m trying to accept, it is better to have them with dementia than to lose them. My heart goes out to you.

    I’m ok. I’m learning to live day by day. Each day is almost the same, but can also be different, emotionally and physically. I don’t come on to TP at the moment as I need to live our life, and I find it easier not to know or anticipate what the future holds. It’s not that I don’t care what is happening to others and I’m sorry if I sound selfish, I don’t mean to be. But I have to cope and survive in my own way, and if that means pretending our life is ok, then I can get by. I can talk and admit to so much with my loving cousin. And, I do know Ray isn’t ok.

    Lily has made such a difference to me. Ray loves her, as long as she does as she is told, which of course she doesn’t! Lily is a naughty little monster! Delightful! We wouldn’t be without her.

    How good for you to have those memories of your early morning wildlife work. Yes, it is the best time of the day... the world looks and smells different, new, and has promise. I’m so glad that those memories are a comfort to you. I was so pleased to know how you are. I am with you in my thoughts, and sending my love to you. I would love to keep in touch with you, Geraldine, you have been very important to me during the past 14 months when I found you on TP.

    Thank you Geraldine for everything.
    I’m thinking about you, and sending my love to you.
    I hope very much we can keep in touch.
    With my love
    Barbara xxx
     
  8. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    624
    Unconditional love
    Pure & true
    Love & ((((hugs)))))
    Xx

    I’ve just read your thread through
    I’m so sorry for your loss, love & light to you.
    Inspirational lady
     
  9. Bree

    Bree Registered User

    Oct 16, 2013
    241
    Nearly six weeks since my beloved OH passed away. I thought I was coping quite well with his loss,

    I have lunched with friends, started voluntary work in an animal charity shop, done the paper work, made the phone calls, looked after our two beautiful cats, then today everything fell apart. I keep bursting into tears, no interest in anything, I was going to go out, but now, I can't face the world.

    After three months of hospital treatment, which took place in four different hospitals, with several trips to A & E in between, for three infections, (which he didn't have before admission), all triggered by a fall causing a fractured femur at home.

    I could see that he was giving up, he was totally weary, and exhausted, I insisted that he was discharged, and brought him home. Our local Hospice At Home were wonderful, and I had him here with me for four days before he died. I know I did all I could for him, held his hand and stroked his face, talked to him, but now nothing. I'm a widow, something totally alien to me. How do I cope with these 'bad' days ?
     
  10. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    624
    Sending you ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
    Keep posting it does help & there are wonderful people on the forum who will have help & advice for you.
    Grief is a personal journey but one you don’t walk along alone now ...
    Xxx
     
  11. TJH2110

    TJH2110 Registered User

    Jun 19, 2012
    6
    Wallasey, Merseyside
    Oh YES it would definitely help. I am dreading the loss of my darling husband no matter how trying the situation gets now. I would appreciate your insight into life afterwards. The thought of loneliness is more terrifying than anything else.
     
  12. Bree

    Bree Registered User

    Oct 16, 2013
    241
    DesperateofDevon

    Thank you so much for your kind words, it means a lot to know that people care.
     
  13. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    624
    It’s compassion, help & humour on this forum from kind empathetic souls that keep my head above water
    Keep posting
    Xxxx
     
  14. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    2,175
    So very good to hear from you. Listen, we have to cope in our own way and sometimes pretending, acting as if, is a very powerful thing to do. Remember that song ..
    whenever I feel afraid
    I hold my head up high ...
    If you would like to keep in touch, please send me a message and I will give you my e mail, Barbara. with all love, Geraldinexxxx
     
  15. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    2,175
    Thank you with all heart, thank you. with love, Geraldinexxx
     
  16. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    2,175
    I know, darling, I'm a widow too. You have been through such an ordeal and have made a start on putting a new life into place, that takes an immense amount of energy and putting grief to one side. I can only say how I cope and my beloved husband died just over four weeks ago. I tell myself over and over that grief is normal and an honouring of the one we loved. I say to myself, you are 73, get on out there and be useful to the world. As you are doing with your charity shop work. I promise you that bad days will pass. With love, Geraldine aka kindred.xxx
     
  17. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    2,175
    Of course, I completely understand. Please don't allow this terror to overshadow the good moments you have with your darling husband now. I found and find that writing down these good moments and reading them now that my husband has died is immensely comforting. Without the person whose soul spoke to me, I am lonely of course I am, even when with friends. I literally keep busy so that I am tired at the end of the day and don't dwell too much. It's getting me through at the moment. And of course, please keep talking to us, to me, here. with love and best, Geraldine aka Kindredxxxx
     
  18. Cazzita

    Cazzita Registered User

    May 12, 2018
    462
    So sorry to hear this Bree, sending you love and hugs xxx
     
  19. Dutchman

    Dutchman Registered User

    May 26, 2017
    248
    Hello I’m writing on a different forum heading now as my situation has moved on and my whole life has changed quickly and I’m not coping at all well. As you can see I’m not sleeping, it’s 5.00 in the morning and house dead quiet.

    My wife is now in a care home and.its been 3 weeks. Everyone helps me by chating to me try to distract me. Went for a walk yesterday with a mate of mine but I’m constantly frightened and unhappy about now and the future. I’m not much company. Being on my own is awful and I’ve just had sob and cried out what’s the point of any of this life if my wife isn’t here to share it.

    It’s awful to realise that she will never be back to enjoy our house again. Cupboards full of her clothes, jewellery, shoes, handbags and all the little bits around the house she so loved. All the things I thought important before she went in are nothing now. How stupid of me to think them so. There were times when she was still at home that I even planned a single life as a distraction to the dementia behaviour. How wrong was I when imagining became reality. I thought getting rid of all the dementia behaviour by her going would cure my stress and unhappiness but it’s rebounded back in my face.

    What am I supposed to do? I’ll visit my wife in the home while she’s slowly disappearing to me each day and them come home to this empty shell. How’s does anyone get over this? How do you cope with such emptiness when you’re so lonely. Just another old lonely man I suppose who has to just got to get on with it.
     
  20. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    2,175
    Dutchman, I know, Ive been through this, you are not alone and I know it hurts like nothing else. I tried to find meaning in my visits to Keith and came home too tired to think. I will write more but wanted to come on to tell you you are not alone. Thinking of you
    Warmest. KIndred. Aka Geraldine
     

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