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What's there, when there appears to be nothing left ...

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,835
God bless and keep you both, Geraldine and Keith, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Xxx
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,538
Kent
This stage seems to have come quite suddenly @kindred.

It`s a painful time for you and I just hope your husband feels no pain. I`m sure he will know you are with him even if he does appear not to see you.
 

Unhappy15

Registered User
Feb 7, 2015
145
Toony and Northumbrian, thank you with all heart, so much appreciated.
K did not respond to me today, open eyes but looking into the distance and refusing to eat. This is going to be hard to type. I did wonder if he was starving himself to death but surely someone with dementia would not be able to have any deliberation in this?
I did say to him a week or so again, darling, are you trying to starve yourself to death? And he actually replied by saying, I can't move.
Now, whether this is an answer or a reason or what I do not know. I keep whispering to him that I want him to be with me forever, but if he is lost I will find him. One of the nurses was passing and heard this and burst into tears. So I ended up comforting her …
Staff - and residents - so kind and loving to me today - and yes, people with dementia can have empathy.
Keith is so beautiful, so boylike that I keep expecting him to sit up and be normal and admit he has been faking it - a bit like the ending of that wonderful film Birdy.
I took in a big bunch of my sweet peas today to show the residents one by one. It was a good activity.
Thanks guys, I so agree about touch. There is a lovely poem by Gavin Ewart called the Late eighties - all about the power of touch. But I cannot find a copy anywhere!
Love, best and thank you, Geraldinexxxx
 

Unhappy15

Registered User
Feb 7, 2015
145
Dear Geraldine,
I have just read you post and I just wanted to send love and strength to you and Keith.
I really understand how you feel when you go to visit Keith and wish he was his old self and 'just faking' this awful time. I am the same when I visit Joe, even after four years I still don't accept what has happened, will we ever?
Look after yourself Geraldine and I am sure all our thoughts are with you.
Much love
Kathy xxx
 

Loisand

Registered User
Dec 25, 2017
136
Dear Geraldine aka Kindred,
My heart goes out to you, am sending so many hugs and love via cyber space, I have been following your thread this last week, the words you write are from your heart, I know its easy to say "keep your chin up" but I really don't know how else to say it, loads of love and hugs across the airwaves, thinking of you every day xx
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,458
Hi @kindred - I love poetry and was intrigued about the Gavin Ewart poem (a poet whom I have not read much). I tried to find it but unfortunately it was not to be - all I found was this bit from the NY Times:

'There are very affecting poems that confront head-on the indignity of age. ''The Late Eighties,'' about his mother, which begins ''To her / I am a coloured blur,'' ends, poignantly: I toucht the body changed so much, she understands some tenderness through bony arms and hands. Contact is joining and a fact; we once were one, and touching's how all lovemaking gets done".'

I was also intrigued by this, so poignantly amusing, but couldn't find it either:
'''In the Old People's Home (1914)'' allegorizes about such vessels as H.M.S. Incontinent, H.M.S. Repetitive, H.M.S. Wanderer and H.M.S. Vainglorious in their ''last anchorage,'' attended by ''the officious tugs Snapper and Orderly.'' Mr. Ewart seems haunted by the realization that ''a good many lasts have taken place already'' and outraged by what awaits everyone in indifferent and sterile modern institutions'.

So, so sorry that Keith is refusing to eat. Whilst I cannot and would never speculate on his and your situation, when my Mum was eating next to nothing her habits were so akin to a teenage anorexic (secretiveness; hiding food; disguising reasons for not eating; insisting everyone else had loads; thinking she was fat when she was tiny) that I mentioned to many health professionals and friends alike, that this seemed to be a form of dementia led anorexia. It seemed as if eating was the one thing she felt able to control when all her other abilities were failing her.

Much, much love to you both and wishing I could give you a proper hug rather than just a virtual one!

XX
Toony, that is remarkable, what a gift, you have given me some of the words of that poem, especially the line about touch and lovemaking. I am so so grateful to you. That is so interesting about your mum, too.
with love and great thanks, Geraldinexxx
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,458
Dear Geraldine,
I have just read you post and I just wanted to send love and strength to you and Keith.
I really understand how you feel when you go to visit Keith and wish he was his old self and 'just faking' this awful time. I am the same when I visit Joe, even after four years I still don't accept what has happened, will we ever?
Look after yourself Geraldine and I am sure all our thoughts are with you.
Much love
Kathy xxx
Oh ;my dear, all fellow feeling. No, why would we accept what happened? All I hope is that one day I can live with it more lightly and sweetheart, I wish the same to you. So good to hear from you. Geraldine with lovexx
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
Kindred:

My heart goes out to you. May God give you the extra strength you need. My thoughts & prayers are with you both.

Sending much loved & many hugs.
 

summerlily1234

New member
Jun 29, 2019
8
Hello Geraldine,
I read all of your posts but this one was so relevant to my situation and I understand every thing you say so much so that I could have written most of it myself.
My husband hasn't spoken for over two years but I go in everyday and chat to him and hold his hand, but to be honest I think its more for me than him. Its strange but I always see him with my minds eye, like you, remembering and longing for days that have gone.
Today however I had an awful shock, a few weeks ago I was asked to go to a local council day about dementia and a group of us, along with some residents from the home went along. It was all too much for my husband, he became quite agitated and clung to me like a child and I cuddled him until I could get transport to take us back to the home.
I didn't know that photos had been taken for the council newsletter and the one picture they used is of us in the center of the page, I am holding this frail, scared elderly man who is clinging to me.
That picture has made me cry, I don't want to look at reality, I want to see the larger than life man I know and always see in my mind.
So like you Geraldine, its not pity you want and the smile will be back on tomorrow and I will be at the home as usual giving out the morning biscuits and cake and singing along with the others but I so wish I had never seen that photo.
Love to you Geraldine
Kathy xxx
My husband of 69 years is in a care home and deteriating day by day, i visit and sit with him most days, so i know he is deteriating but i decided to take a video of him struggling to walk and trying to lie on his bed, he doesnt speak to me so i videoed as i was helping him through this process. Thought nothing of it until that evening when i played the video back! I went to pieces the tears came and wouldnt stop! But i kept asking myself why? I know he is ill, i know the struggle he has, but it was like i was seeing him for the first time. Its torment seeing him, its torment for him, its torment for our children, the journey is long and painful . Sue
 

Unhappy15

Registered User
Feb 7, 2015
145
My husband of 69 years is in a care home and deteriating day by day, i visit and sit with him most days, so i know he is deteriating but i decided to take a video of him struggling to walk and trying to lie on his bed, he doesnt speak to me so i videoed as i was helping him through this process. Thought nothing of it until that evening when i played the video back! I went to pieces the tears came and wouldnt stop! But i kept asking myself why? I know he is ill, i know the struggle he has, but it was like i was seeing him for the first time. Its torment seeing him, its torment for him, its torment for our children, the journey is long and painful . Sue
My husband of 69 years is in a care home and deteriating day by day, i visit and sit with him most days, so i know he is deteriating but i decided to take a video of him struggling to walk and trying to lie on his bed, he doesnt speak to me so i videoed as i was helping him through this process. Thought nothing of it until that evening when i played the video back! I went to pieces the tears came and wouldnt stop! But i kept asking myself why? I know he is ill, i know the struggle he has, but it was like i was seeing him for the first time. Its torment seeing him, its torment for him, its torment for our children, the journey is long and painful . Sue
Dear Sue,
I'm so sorry you have had such a dreadful time. I know what the shock is like when you are faced with the reality of the situation. I never ever think of my husband as he is now, in my mind he is as I met him when he was 45 and a larger than life character.
I too visit every day and like your husband mine no longer speaks.
You are so right when you talk about the torment we all live through on this long and painful journey but the only thing that helps is the kindness, friendship and understanding of all on TP. Without TP where else could we find someone who knows what we go through.
Stay strong Sue .
Kathy
 

Lilac Blossom

Registered User
Oct 6, 2014
564
Scotland
All I hope is that one day I can live with it more lightly
Oh my dear Kindred - reading of your experience resonates with me too - OH in care home, deteriorating day by day. I find it difficult to remember the good times we shared - the weight of sadness of this present time weighs me down but I love what you have written - I feel comforted thank you so much.

Love to you both
Lilac
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,458
My husband of 69 years is in a care home and deteriating day by day, i visit and sit with him most days, so i know he is deteriating but i decided to take a video of him struggling to walk and trying to lie on his bed, he doesnt speak to me so i videoed as i was helping him through this process. Thought nothing of it until that evening when i played the video back! I went to pieces the tears came and wouldnt stop! But i kept asking myself why? I know he is ill, i know the struggle he has, but it was like i was seeing him for the first time. Its torment seeing him, its torment for him, its torment for our children, the journey is long and painful . Sue
sweetheart, I know, and all my sympathy Sue. I know. With you so much in spirit. with love, Kindred.
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,458
Oh my dear Kindred - reading of your experience resonates with me too - OH in care home, deteriorating day by day. I find it difficult to remember the good times we shared - the weight of sadness of this present time weighs me down but I love what you have written - I feel comforted thank you so much.

Love to you both
Lilac
Sweetheart, we can write these posts to each other and thank you for your beautiful words. With love, Geraldine, aka Kindredxx
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,458
This stage seems to have come quite suddenly @kindred.

It`s a painful time for you and I just hope your husband feels no pain. I`m sure he will know you are with him even if he does appear not to see you.
Yes, thank you so much. It did come suddenly after a bizarre illness several months ago. with love and thanks Geraldinexx
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,458
I don't normally go to see K on a work day as it's too much for me bearing in mind what I do for a living, but at the moment I am being with him all I can. Apparently the doctor came and reiterated how quickly he is deteriorating but said he is not quite at end of life care.
So I can hope for another smile and raising of eyebrows.
But today I suddenly realised I want to set him free. This is a man who adored the outdoors, is an award winning wildlife photographer … He needs to leave this paralysed body. No, of course it is not up to me to set him free, and I will not say this to him of course. But he will know.
Thank you guys for your wondrous wondrous support. With all my love and thoughts, Geraldinexxx