What's the best way to settle MIL into a care home?

[SharonOOO]

Following MIL collapsing (probably for malnutrition) we initially moved her to our home which is 50 miles away from her home town, where she stayed for 10 days. She has since moved into a care home. I know it's early days but on trying to reassure her, saying she will see us lots more and bringing her to us daily, I think we're doing the wrong thing? She's very unsettled, one minute saying the home is ok, the food is good and she likes the carers... To then being really down and asking us not to leave her. I feel it's almost like we're 'dangling a carrot', bringing her to our house where she cannot live.

Does anyone have any ideas to help her? The home are happy to go with what works for us but it's heart breaking seeing how down she can become so quickly.

Thanks in advance.

 

[Clueless2]

Hi Sharon,
When my mum went into her care home I did not visit her for at least a week. Due to her extreme anxiety we had not been able to tell her that she would be going into the care home, not even for "respite".

In my experience routine is very important for the pwd. Even 9 months later I have not taken her outside of the care home, feeling certain that she would become upset, confused and agitated.

Good luck

 

[Aisling]

Following MIL collapsing (probably for malnutrition) we initially moved her to our home which is 50 miles away from her home town, where she stayed for 10 days. She has since moved into a care home. I know it's early days but on trying to reassure her, saying she will see us lots more and bringing her to us daily, I think we're doing the wrong thing? She's very unsettled, one minute saying the home is ok, the food is good and she likes the carers... To then being really down and asking us not to leave her. I feel it's almost like we're 'dangling a carrot', bringing her to our house where she cannot live.

Does anyone have any ideas to help her? The home are happy to go with what works for us but it's heart breaking seeing how down she can become so quickly.

Thanks in advance.

I know this is difficult for you and you are doing your best. I hope you are not upset by this suggestion, perhaps you might give MIL a better chance is settling in if you don't visit for a while. You can keep in touch with staff by phone and ask their advice too.

Sending you virtual hugs.

Aisling

 

[Witzend]

I would imagine that taking her to your own home daily could be very unsettling for her, nice though it would be in theory, or for someone without dementia. If you want to take her out, how about a cafe, or e.g. a garden centre with a cafe? Some people find these nice for a visit.

I didn't dare take my mother out of her CH for the first few weeks - I was too afraid that it would be impossible to get her back inside. I later found that just taking her for a nice drive worked well - we are lucky to have Richmond Park close by, so after driving around we'd stop somewhere with a nice view. I would take a flask of tea and some little cakes, or buy her an ice cream - that always went down well.

 

[Emac]

Hi Sharon000

Everyone is different. Lots of contact from relatives and lots of outings seemed to work well for my Mum. She is taken out 4 times a week usually to a cafe or for a run in the car. Occasionally she comes to my house but not often to her own home. Care home staff felt she needed the regular family contact and advised we keep it going. With other residents they have said they have advised relatives not to take them out. It might be unsettling to be taken to your home every day. You could try reducing the number of times you do that, but bear in mind that settling in to a new place to live would take time for anyone! It is trial and error re what to do for the best. My Mum has been in care now for 6 months and its only now I would describe her as settled. Good luck xxx

 

[SharonOOO]

Thanks everyone

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. It's her birthday today therefore we're taking her to the pub (she likes a lager!) for a couple of halves, but then I'm having a day off. I love the idea of just taking her for a drive, I may try that at the weekend, failing that I think visits to our house need to stop for a while. The CH so far are encouraging us to take her out but I can't help but feel they are doing so because she has firmly attached herself to them, therefore they need a break?

We're expecting our local SS department to call soon as the CH have raised safeguarding as she wants to go back home (50 miles from us). Of course she could just be saying that hoping we will give in and move her in with us, she could always be quite calculated but whether she still has capacity to do that I'm not sure.

Thanks again everyone X

 

[Chemmy]

My mum used to love to go for a drive or be pushed in a wheelchair and then we'd park up somewhere so she could do some 'people-watching' That gave us something to talk about too.

I agree that taking her to your home is likely to be far too unsettling.