1. Vall

    Vall Registered User

    Jun 9, 2006
    Sometimes on TP I come across something I know I am going to make use of. I was reading Connie's update on Lionel and I came across the answer to give to an often-asked question. The question is 'does he know you?' and my answer is now going to be 'No, but I know him'. It's so short and honest, great.

    I would now like suggestions to give to the other most asked question - 'is it better now that he is in a home?' I need a perfect one-liner which is to the point. The real answer is very hard to express, obviously it's not 'better' but there are aspects of the nursing home which are an improvement on what we had before and he does need more care than I could give him, but what about the longing for him to be home, the heartbreak of seeing him in the home and the trail to the home every day?

    My problem is that if I don't give a clear answer immediately the questionner changes the subject. I must be a very slow speaker or very boring to talk to, but honestly this does happen, someone asks how things are but does not wait for an answer. Is it just me or does this happen to other people? Please say it's not just me.

  2. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    "yes because he's being taken care of; no because he's not here to take care of me".

    I don't have an answer Vail, but I would say you're not alone - a lot ( A LOT) of people ask these sort of questions and don't wait for the answer - in part because they 1) don't want to hear it or 2) (more charitably) they realise as soon as they've asked it what a pointless question it is.
  3. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Wish I had a one line answer to that question Vall.

    I sometimes reply (and yes it does get asked just as often):

    "Harder for us both, but he is now in the best place to receive the complex care his illness dictates".

    I do so identify with the sentiments of your post. Stay strong.
  4. jc141265

    jc141265 Registered User

    Sep 16, 2005
    Possible answer:
    No, but it is necessary for now.
    Another one line answer to another common question:
    Q. How is so and so going?
    A. Oh he's going... <meaningful pause and look> .... <end reply with no other words> :cool:
  5. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland

    What a good answer, Connie!:)

    It's certainly not easier, as so many people imagine. But we have to accept that in almost all cases it finally becomes necessary.

    I think we have to accept that most people are only asking out of politeness. Rather like 'How are you?', they don't want chapter and verse, and the glazed expression soon takes over.

    With true friends, of course, and TP members, it's different!:)
  6. jcr1976

    jcr1976 Registered User

    Aug 28, 2008
    west yorkshire
    is it better?

    im new to the site so please excuse me if i put my nose where its not wanted... is it better? my mums not in a care home yet but its something we have thought about for the future and have had to think about for the future... and when people ask me is it better now i thought about what my answer would be and i think i would answer with something along the lines of:

    Its not better because i miss her but the time we have together is more treasured and appreciated.

    maybe treasured and appreciated isnt the best choice of words and at 4am after a fun day on planet mum.. i cant find the right words but im sure you will know the meaning of what im saying.

    all the best to you and yours

    daughter & carer
  7. louise@weinprop

    louise@weinprop Registered User

    May 12, 2005
    Is it better ?

    Gd Morning everyone - I just tell people that even though I am so lonely at home now, at least I can give my husband "quality" time now at the "home" whereas trying to work all day, and look after him and the careworker I had at home, it was impossible to find time to give him the quality time I so needed to give him, for my sake as well as his. I just wish this gnawing pain I feel inside would go away, even just for a day.....
    He on the other hand seems somewhat content with more people around each day, I actually think he was lonely at home even though he could not tell me in so many words.
    Good luck and Godbless you all.
  8. TinaT

    TinaT Registered User

    Sep 27, 2006
    I wish I could answer that question myself.

    On a good day when I can take him out for a little visit to the shops and we have such closeness and love between us, I wonder why he is in a home at all.

    On a bad day, when I'm trying to pull his trousers up after he's been on the toilet and he suddenly becomes angry with me to the point I think he might hit me, then I'm extremely thankful that I share the caring with the Care Home.

    Will I ever be able to answer that particularly hard question?

  9. Grommit

    Grommit Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    Question "Is it better now he is in a home"

    Answer " He has been in a home all his married life. Ours"
  10. JPG1

    JPG1 Account Closed

    Jul 16, 2008
    Few more questions to ask:

    "Better for whom?"

    "How can any one of us know what is guaranteed better?", meaning better for him or for her, or even for you/me/us.

    We can't really ever know, and we know that, deep down.

    So all we can be expected to do is to make the best decision that we can.

    That's all we can be required to do. The best decision that we can make on whichever day that particular decision has to be made.

    Made a few bum decisions over the last few years ... and no doubt will make a few more ... but not for the want of TRYING. Making the effort.

    Good luck, guys and gals, we're all doing the best we can.
  11. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Q `Is it better?`
    A `It`s a necessary evil.`

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