what's happening to my mum?

n983825

Registered User
Feb 12, 2010
23
plymouth, uk
Hello everyone, my lovely 84 year old mum has just been diagnosed with vascular dementia and our family is devastated. I am scared of what the future holds, my mum has been a carer all her adult life and this is her and my worst nightmare. She has been in hospital for the last 5 weeks and will be returning home hopefully tomorrow with carers calling 4 times a day to help. She is going to hate having 'strangers' in the house but she can't come home without them. I know she wants me and my brother to look after her and I hate that I can't give her what she wants as she has helped us when we needed it in the past. I feel completely torn between her, and my husband and family. How do we tell her when we cant cope and a care home beckons? I feel completely selfish, and I want my mum back.
 

Catterall

Registered User
Feb 11, 2010
4
Blackpool, Lancashire
Oh this sounds so familiar. My mum has 4 carers a day - but they are wonderful people who make her happy and help her to smile. It took her a little while to get used to having strangers in her flat but now she looks forward to them coming and worries a bit when they are late. She looked after them at first - made them cups of tea and listened to their stories about their lives.
It is a huge juggling act balancing your family with your mum but it can be done. Your family will support you while you can support your mum. Needs a bit of practice keeping all the balls in the air at once, and definately a lot of humour.
There will be bad times and there will be good times - just be prepared for both and remember the good times.
Mail me if you need...

David B
 

amy2512

Registered User
Dec 11, 2007
51
Cambridgeshire
Hello and welcome to talking point, I hope you will find it a help, it is a great source for both practical and emotional help. It is often a great comfort to talk to people who understand what you're going through and the heartache that comes from caring for a loved one with this illness. Keep posting and we will all try to help you.

I am so very sorry to hear about your Mum. This must be a devastating time for you. I am so sorry. Firstly when the time comes for a care home, it may not be because you 'aren't coping', it may be that for her own safety and well being your Mum needs more care than can be offered at home. You have to think about what your Mum would have wanted, the Mum that brought you up and cuddled you when you hurt yourself, would your Mum want you to sacrifice your family and husband for her? Would she want you to care for her full time and all that that encompases? I know my Mum, as she is now with her AD would, but my real Mum as I think of her wouldn't. She would want me to ensure she is safe, looked after and as happy as possible and then she would want me to get on with my life. I am not at that stage yet, but often when Mum calls and needs something that to her is a real emergency I have to step back and weigh it up, and sometimes I put my children first and don't go running round to her because she has run out of milk or can't find her trousers. This is what my Mum would want, but she just can't remember it. You to will find some sort of balance, it may take a while and may seem impossibly hard sometimes but you will get there. Take each day as it comes and only do the best you can, you can't do anymore. 'I am doing my best' is a great mantra to repeat in your head when you're struggling.

Your Mum may well hate having the carers in to begin with, but very quickly she will become familiar with them, my Mum hated the thought of carers with a passion, she was very upset about it. But we didn't tell her they were 'carers' but more local people who were there to help orientate her to her new house and surroundings. For your Mum these could be people coming in to help 'settle her back in' once she's home again. Within less than a week I think my Mum looked upon her carers as personal friends and very much looks forward to spending time with them and has infact been very upset before when we've had to cancel one day.

You're not selfish and I want my Mum back to. I understand.

Amy
xx
 

n983825

Registered User
Feb 12, 2010
23
plymouth, uk
She's home!

Mum arrived home this afternoon. Thank you for your replies, it's nice to know there are people out there that understand.