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What would you suggest?

Pink rose

Registered User
Jan 17, 2016
My Mum is in a care home having had Alzheimer's for about 8 years. When she asks where her Mum is should we be honest and say she died 40 years ago or should we play along and say she's at home or gone shopping or something? Don't know which to do. Used to say she'd died when she could understand a bit more but not sure what to say now she's worse.


Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
Hello Pink Rose, welcome to TP
I don't think it is a good idea to tell her and possibly cause upset each time. She's unlikely to remember and it is so much more comforting for people to 'play along' and say she's at home today. It is distressing enough to have memory loss without experiencing the upsetting events of life over and over again. I think you are doing the right thing by going along with her and keeping her comfortable and happy xx


Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
I learnt very early on with Dad's dementia to join his world and tell love lies, it's kinder to him. You have to think on your feet and be flexible as with Dad, after Mum died suddenly at home over 2 years ago, he would ask when she would be back and in the same sentence after I replied 'I am not sure maybe a bit later' he would say ' she can't because she is dead' it cut through like a knife when he still had times of lucidity, although they were very brief moments, mostly my answers satisfied him at the time albeit he would ask the same question about my mum, his mum, his brothers etc (all dead) again and again. I looked after him for 10 months in his home and he has been looked after in a care home for 18 months now, his memory and coherence now badly affected but I still tell love lies, he forgets anything I have said in a few minutes and if it gives him comfort for me to lie, then so much the better and kinder for him. Horrible for me, goes against my morals but this vile illness made me realise I had to adapt to his changing progression of understanding (or lack of) for his sake not mine, so my God will understand and forgive me in heaven!! I hope!!!