What would you do? Dealing with difficult situations in public places

[HarrietD]

As someone who cares for a person with dementia, do you have any tips on how to deal with difficult situations that can arise when eating and drinking in a cafe or restaurant?

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This thread will be closed on Monday 4 September.

Thanks everyone

 

[marionq]

This is a current issue with us. At the end of a meal John often refuses to move and grips the edge of the table. Speaking firmly to him does not work, pleading politely does not work, the table being cleared and other people waiting for the table does not work. I must admit I seethe inside when he does this as it ruins the meal and I don't want to take him out again.

So what do I do? Well I try talking softly and persuasively thinking up good reasons to go eg we have a bus/train to catch. Someone is waiting for us outside. It can go on like that for twenty minutes or so until I come up with a case that suits him.

 

[Risa]

In order to avoid difficult situations, when we used to go to restaurants, we would always book for when the restaurant opened so we could choose the most secluded table possible (to avoid too much noise and distraction) and hopefully wouldn't have to wait too long for our meals as we were the first customers. We also pre-planned what we wanted to order to avoid delay and stressing Mum out over making a selection (we tended to have the same meal which also speed things up). We didn't linger either - normally just main meal and dessert then home for coffee.

We then had an episode where as a group of 4, we went to a lovely, very quiet, hotel to celebrate Mum and Dad's special wedding anniversary with champagne and a cream tea. Unfortunately Mum suddenly developed a foul mood when we sat down and refused to eat or drink very much (she gets very overly polite and sits there stiffly saying no thank you to everything with a glare on her face). The waitress was really bending over backwards to try to please her but Mum wouldn't bother to converse and kept trying to leave (threatening to walk back home although it was several miles away). It was so embarrassing, we were all having to shovel the food down as quickly as possible and Dad was fuming. It just felt like we were with a child who was showing off

This was about 4 years ago, the last time we went out for a meal as we saw that Mum's illness was progressing and she was too impatient to cope with restaurants (and it was no fun being on pins, worrying if Mum was going to kick off). So now we go to coffee shops for a drink and a cake during the week when it is quieter. That way if Mum has had enough after 10 minutes and is agitating to leave, it is easy to drink up and go. If we want a family meal, it is fish and chips delivered at home and if Mum doesn't want to participate then it's no big deal.

 

[Casbow]

I don't think i could suggest what to do. David gradually became more difficult to go anywhere and eating out was one of the worse things. Tried going to a big fair in our local very large and beautiful park. Took packed lunch,and went to meet family there. He would not sit down, didn't want to eat just wanted to walk off. after a few tries of talking to him I had to leave the family and set off home again. As we tried to get out through the crowds he suddenly shouted and swore at some poor lady. I apologised and said he wasn't well, so then he shouted at me. Gave up eating out. As soon as I (with difficulty) ordered the food he would want the toilet. I knew he wouldn't actually use it but had to take him. Leaving the table empty and taking any shopping with me. This would happen 2 or 3 times whilst eating and he never used the men's loos. He didn't like it if there was other people in there. Wouldn't use disabled where i could go in with him. Wouldn't even wait whilst I paid the bill. Nightmare. Gave up after a few times of trying. One of our favourite things to do was now a no no. Then we couldn't visit family or anyone. He would not sit down and kept trying to leave. Had to get off of a coach once. We were going to London to see a show. This was the first time I realised how bad he had got. Life became impossible so we ended up never going anywhere. Very sad. But in answer to your question the only thing I can say is be as patient as you can, talking quietly to try and get your PWD ,to shall I, say behave themselves. But it will not last forever.x

 

[fenellawriter]

visits out

I no longer take DH anywhere new. There are three shops we can go to, two cafes and four friend's houses -that's it. I've found that when he's babbling (no coherent speech left Vascular Dementia) to people if I tell them he has dementia they are fine. He's friendly and laughs a lot -not aggressive -thank God.

 

[northumbrian_k]

We have almost stopped going out for restaurant meals - they used to be a big part of our lives - except when we are on holiday. The prime reason for this is that I no longer enjoy the experience as I am waiting for that time during the meal when something happens to turn my wife into a nasty, angry and sometimes foul-mouthed devil. This happens almost inevitably. She may take objection to the other diners - young women in Friday night finery are inevitably branded 'tarts' - or be fine until I need to go to the toilet after which a switch goes off and her eyes change (I have learned to hold it in). She no longer looks at the menu so that I have to make suggestions, sometimes eats voraciously and asks for more on the way home, or decides after a few mouthfuls that her usually favourite meal is not what she wants. We can no longer have a sensible conversation about anything and she is prone to making indiscreet remarks. Why pay for added stress that takes away all the pleasure?

We do go to coffee shops during the day and have a few favourites where we can also take our dog. My best tips are to avoid busy times, try to go to places that offer lighter meals (eg cafes), avoid alcohol if possible and, if a conversation starts with the people at the next table, sit back and enjoy the few minutes of respite .

 

[Kazzy2016]

My PWD and I love going out for lunch or afternoon tea but this is now becoming less enjoyable. I care for a parent, she has started getting upset by crowded areas, suddenly gets angry if strangers brush past us and is intolerant of noisy children in cafe's or shops. I find it difficult when she suddenly lashes out verbally and people then turn on her and me for what she might say.

Our local pub and a local coffee shop know us and it is fine going there but alzheimers is making going out less enjoyable and incredibly stressful. I know the remaining time I have her with me is getting shorter but there is so much ignorance out there and littleback up for us carers.

Keep smiling.

 

[HarrietD]

Thanks so much marionq, Risa, Casbow, fenellawriter, northumbrian_k and Kazzy2016 for replying and sharing your experiences. I really appreciate it

Just a reminder that this thread will close at the end of the day on Monday 4th September so anyone is welcome to add comments before then.