My Dad was older & had deteriorating physical health, including diabetes , sciatica, macular degeneration & eventually becoming blind. He could be very irritable. So when my mum, aged 73 , was anxious & tearful we thought it was due to that.
Then we started to notice other things that made us feel it was more than depression over my Dad’s health.
She couldn’t make simple decisions e.g. Would you like a drink Mum?
Are YOU having one
Do you want tea or coffee?
What are YOU having?
The worst example of this was when she was asking complete strangers in a buffet queue what she should eat.
Mum couldn’t remember the way to the dining room on holiday, even after whole week.
She kept fidgeting. Constantly checking her pockets & handbag.
What are you looking for Mum?
Nothing.
She kept thinking she had lost things. We turned the car round & went back to look for a cardigan she was sure she had left in a cafe, only to find it had been at home all the time. Also she regularly said she had lost her shopping bag / hand bag when out & I had to assure her we had not taken it with us.
Mum lost ability to work household appliances. Toaster, TV remote, Video. Washing machine. And my Dad couldn’t do them because he was blind. More tears.
We discovered she was hiding mail. All letters were hidden under the cushion of the seat of her arm chair and she was sat on it, presumably because she couldn’t cope with them.
Then she started seeing marks on walls & on clothing which were not there. She sometimes thought they were dirt & tried to rub them off, other times she thought they were a pattern on the wall or fabric.
When Dad went into hospital she clearly was much worse than we had thought. Without him to steer her, she didn’t wash, dress or eat. Every day when I went to pick her up to go to visit him, she would still be in her nightie. Phoning her to remind her didn’t work
No one in their retirement flats would believe anything was wrong as she could make an effort to be normal for 15-20 minute, then would say she was tired & retire.
She kept insisting she was fine to the doctor & did well on memory tests so the doctor only treated her for depression for over 3 years. I kept a diary of her odd behaviour & the doctor eventually referred her to the memory clinic & for a brain scan which confirmed vascular dementia. By then she struggled with memory tests & would look pleadingly at me to help her with the answers.
Mum became much more unpredictable, reminder notes didn’t work & I had to give up work to look after them both. Eventually her anxiety & frustration ended in her becoming very aggressive, no doubt aggravated by my Dad’s frustration with his pains & blindness. After several incidents storming off out of the flat at night & attacking both Dad & myself, there was a more serious attack & mum had to go into a care home against her will & Dad died a few months later.
Mum took 3 or 4 months to settle, but gradually, without all the stresses at home & aggravation of trying to cope with Dad & his illnesses, she became my sweet tempered mum again. She lived in care for 8 years, so we believe had dementia for 11 years. She deteriorated slowly & definitely, but could sing, had a sense of humour & read headlines in the newspaper right to the end.
