What to tell Mum re care home

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by JayneB6367, Sep 18, 2015.

  1. JayneB6367

    JayneB6367 Registered User

    Dec 18, 2013
    Sadly we have come to the stage when at home care is not working for Mum and we have decided on a care home. We have found a fantastic one local to her and are getting our heads around the fact that this is the rightthing to do. Heads say yes, hearts scream no!

    Biggest issue is what do we tell Mum, we have tried to discuss but she doesn't understand and her short term memory is so bad even if we did manage to get an understanding from her she will have forgotten this conversation an hour later. Our heart is breaking at the thought of her confusion when we take her.

    Has anyone else been in this situation and what did you tell her/him? We thought just telling her the Dr said she needs to stay there for a while and then deal with it on a day to day basis.

    Its all so hard isn't it!?

  2. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    Yes, it's horrible.
    I think you have to go with what you think will best help your mum.
    Apparently the latest 'dogma' is that the truth should be told in each situation - that's from a senior in dad's care home. And my co-carer couldn't see why I might want to say anything else - so very little was said to dad beforehand and the co-carer who took him to the home explained to him on the day. As I wasn't able to be there, I had to accept that.
    Personally, I see nothing wrong in bending the truth (which to me is never as clear cut as all that anyway) and telling whatever 'love lies' will help your mum settle in that moment and then each day.
    If she will respond positively to 'the Dr said' then go with that - takes the 'blame' from you in her mind - just let the CH staff know what you've said so they can back you up.
    (My dad was never one to accept anything just because Dr or nurse or whoever said - so something else would have to have been said for him - that I was ill and so he needed to be there while I recuperated: that he was going for a holiday: that there was a problem with his house that meant he had to move out for a while: take him for lunch and just leave him ....)
    Nothing really makes it easy - so go for what helps you to help her.
    All the best
  3. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    It's very hard but I think your plan is a good one. They often listen to Drs.
  4. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    I think what you have decided (the doctor says...) is probably best. There is no need to tell her she won't be going home again. If her short term memory is already very bad she probably won't remember that you said the same before. I know I told my mother
    the same 'love lie' over and over, and she never remembered. It was a case of whatever would keep her reasonably happy for the moment.

    It is so difficult when the person can't even begin to understand that they now need
    24/7 care. You do and say whatever you have to, to keep them as calm and happy as you can in the circs.
    Good luck - I do know what an awful, heart-aching and worrying time it is.
  5. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    We told my mum we were going away and she couldnt look after herself. Sort of true. Then her boiler had broke down and there was no heating. To be honest she has been in care since January and we have never told her she is not coming home but that she is staying there for now. She seems to have accepted this. Good luck. It is so so hard!
  6. rafferty

    rafferty Registered User

    Dec 27, 2011
    My mum went into a nursing home 4 weeks ago ,we haven't told her the truth that she will never go home. We tell her that she is there until she is strong enough to look after herself . Personally i think its kinder than telling someone theres no chance of them ever going home again .
  7. JayneB6367

    JayneB6367 Registered User

    Dec 18, 2013
    Thanks everyone, It is so nice to have somewhere to come and talk to people who understand! X
  8. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    B who is on my husband's floor in the nursing home is still waiting for the results of his blood tests that he had taken the day he entered the nursing home nearly four years ago. His wife visits three times a week and he will always ask about going home with her. She says he has to wait for the results of the blood tests taken a couple of days ago and he says ok. How many times she has said the same thing must run into hundreds and hundreds.

    Telling the truth would only upset him, he would forget the conversation that upset him but he would still feel upset and not know why. How cruel is that? Memory may go but emotion does not.

    I hope all goes well for you, chin up and keep smiling.
  9. marmarlade

    marmarlade Registered User

    Jan 26, 2015
    mum and care home

    when my hubby had to go into care we didnt know what to tell him, so it started off with he was going in while i had a rest, after several weeks of asking to come home we then changed it to you just have to take your tablets and get better,the amount of times we told him he was really getting better we lost count of, but he seemed to take it that was why he was there,[it also helped he could remember me going into hospital to stay].its 8 months now and we can now take him out,but he still says he has to stay till he,s better and we just agree with him,it was the hardest thing we had to do to leave him there and we have never told him he,s not coming home we just take each visit as it is and go with what ever he is saying on that visit.but we all know the feeling of helplessness that goes with dementia.
  10. mancmum

    mancmum Registered User

    Feb 6, 2012
    When in respite we agreed that he could go home but he would have to decide how

    We agreed that he could be told he could go home. Would he like to go by bus or train? or wait for a couple of days until I got back? We were confident that when presented with an option that he could not organise he would settle with staying ..and he did.
  11. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    I told my Mum the doctor said she was not safe on her own anymore and that I had found a new place for her to live. I never at any point said care home or nursing home.

    I explained she had her own room and bathroom and all her cleaning, meals and laundry done. I said its like a hotel with nurses that is only for retired people. She has been happy with this. On her "vague" days she thinks she is on holiday in a hotel. She told me it was one of the bets hotels she had ever been in - People her own age and nurses. What a good idea she said, they should have more of these. Any so handy for me to visit. I was happy she was happy but could have cried.

    One big piece of advice is to watch your body language and facial expressions. Dementia suffers might not follow conversations but can pick up on physical clues. Look happy and like there is nothing to be concerned about. Praise the place very time you go. It will reassure. I can work out so best of luck. My Mum is very happy in her care home.
  12. Jayne47

    Jayne47 Registered User

    Oct 18, 2015
    We are just in a similar situation with my mum, she is on a mental health ward and is now unable to return home and is asking when she is going home as "I am better now", I just use the "love lies" saying she is not yet well enough and perhaps we could look at finding somewhere new to live with lots of people around to help. I try not to use the words "care or nursing home", and at the moment this seems to be working.

    This is a journey that I did not envisage I would be on just yet, and is one that is emotionally draining.

    Just take it one day at a time.
  13. learningcurve

    learningcurve Registered User

    Oct 9, 2015
    Mum went into a care home just over two weeks ago and I told my her we were going on holiday back to where she was born and still considers to be her home. She was a little unsettled the first night she was there but after that she was fine and loves it there. She still thinks she is on holiday but only once has she said when am I going home but after telling her she is in her home city she got all excited again.

    Everyone loves her there and she has already made a new friend who also has dementia and they have lovely little chats and laugh together.... even though no one else has a clue what they are talking about :D

    I know how hard this is for you, it was the hardest thing I have ever done but know in my heart it was the best thing I could have done for her.

    Hope it goes well for you xxxx
  14. Lezadeyb

    Lezadeyb Registered User

    Oct 24, 2015
    I have just gone through the same thing with my mum! you know when you get to that stage where's it's just not working nor fair to carry on for both you and mum. It's been 4 weeks since she moved to a lovely flat in a lovely care home and I can honestly say now she is in the best place for her. She has attention all day and she is far less anxious and upset and can't get lost. I'm so relaxed now as she is and I can enjoy my time with her and you will be ok.
    Now telling them ... They aren't going to remember ... My mum was confused in her own home so being there isn't any different. I told her she was going away for a rest and to be looked after for a bit. She was happy with this. We went for a visit and she was fine. We moved her items in before we took her. We planned it so that she was there before tea time and then the lovely carer knocked on the door and invited her to go for tea. Off she went and I said goodbye. I cried in the car park and she was fine. ! It's heartbreaking but you have to do what's best ....my mum needed 24 hour care and now I can sleep knowing she has it X
  15. maryk

    maryk Registered User

    Oct 25, 2015
    Me too.

    We too are in the same position as you. We can no longer care for mum safely in her own home, and an "In her best interests" decision has been made to place her in a care home. She has always said she doesnt want to go into a home , and its breaking our hearts but we know its the right thing to do. She is loved by everyone who knows her, and has always been a social, outgoing person, but recently my sister and I seem to be her crutches and she cant go anywhere without one or both of us with her.she has lost all her confidence and she has limited mobility so cant leave the flat on her own anyway,even just to go to the lounge downstairs, but we both know that if we can get her settled in to the care home she will enjoy the social side of things as they have many activities for them, and we will have peace of mind knowing she is safe and hopefully happy. She has been assessed by ss and everything is in place for the move, so are just waiting for a room to become available in a local care home which is lovely, ( I would take a room there myself lol). The worry is the same as yours, what do we tell her? We considered telling her the doctor recommended some convalescence ( as she had a fall recently which has affected her mobility even further), and they are going to try and build her strength up and get her walking a little bit better. The social worker told us that they are actually in the process of changing the name of respite care to convalescence as the older generation understand and respond to that term better.We are planning to take her personal things like her own tv and photos etc to her room before we take mum, and hopefully she will accept what we tell her, but somehow i dont think its going to be that easy. We did consider taking her for the day sometime before and having lunch with her there, but it would be a wasted effort as she doesnt remember shes even been out , let alone where shes been. My heart goes out to all of you who are affected by loved ones suffering this cruel illness, it is so hard, but forums like this make it a little easier because we are all in similar situations. Thankyou for reading

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