What to say when MIL asks about her dead husband?

[retiredcopper]

Can anyone advise me what to say when a dementia patient asks a question & the answer is going to upset them?

My 90yr old mum-in-law has had dementia for 4 years now & we have managed to care for her, with the help of carers, in her bungalow which she lived in with her husband until his death 15 years ago.

As her confusion has progressed she has stopped talking about her late husband – the last time being over a year ago. However over the last few weeks she has been asking the carers where her husband is. Today was the first time she asked me, as I was leaving, and I didn’t know the right thing to say. When I told her he was no longer with us she wanted to know what I meant. I then said he had passed away a few years ago & that we were looking after her. This brought her to the verge of tears & she kept saying ‘My husband?’

What should I say when she asks again? Should I risk upsetting her & try & explain he is dead or is there a better way to deal with these kind of questions? It upset my husband that his mum got so upset over where his dad was. We just don’t know the best way to deal with it.

 

[Butter]

This seems to happen often: it is so distressing - and most people suggest the best way forward is to find gentle and evasive answers: I told my mother that I woud give her father her love (he had been dead for 50 years) ... that I was sure he was fine, that he was thinking of her. My husband sometimes thinks our son is his dad - we don't correct him.

 

[Jessbow]

My dad died last October. Sometimes Mum knows he's gone. other times she thinks he's somewhere else ( he's left her apparently!)

When she asks where he is, I tend to reply ''I am not sure, don't worry I am sure he's fine'' Which is a bit of a op out but seems to work.

 

[ellejay]

This is so difficult. If a person can't remember then every time will be the first time they hear it.

As Butter say's most people find a " non committal" answer, something that may sound right to the person concerned.

With my mum I say I haven't seen her husband for a while ( he's been dead 13 yrs.) If she asks where he is I say something like " Oh they called him into work, I think, some sort of an emergency " She can accept this as he would often have to go to work at short notice. ( We then roll our eyes at each other in a "typical" kind of way)

Anything that seems reasonable to them might work.

Hope you find a way, it's so hard to feel like you're lying, but telling the truth can hurt a lot more

Good Luck

Lin x

 

[jaymor]

My husband's Mother who has been dead some 25 years is often seen shopping, having her hair done or visiting her Mother for a few days. His sister who died last year is sometimes with her or down on the farm potato picking and we can go and see her when she gets home.

For me it is kinder to give him a 'pleasing' answer to his questions of have I seen his Mother or his Sister than to have him upset over their deaths, even if he is only upset for a couple of minutes.

Jay

 

[Izzy]

I always found that really hard with my mum. Partly because sometimes she did remember people had passed away. Funnily enough she always asked about her parents and my uncle but very rarely my dad. We had a photo of him in his navy uniform near her chair and she used to pick it up and kiss it or hug it but didn't often ask about him.

I knew I should give non committal answers but that did not come easily to me.

Sorry. Not much help. x

 

[nerak]

I just wouldnt know what to say maybe hes fine would be the best??

I worry if my mum ever got this bad my parents are divorced for 30yrs?? dad still alive

Must be so distressing for them I think I would lie.

My uncle is dying in america and thanks to this site beleive the best thing right now is not tell her as she may escalate then we wont know what to do until this happens??

that will be family to decide!!

Last year a young Irish girl was murdered in Australia her grandma has als and still asks for her which they say is a blessing she knows nothing and they just say oh shes fine and was asking for you. Sad but best she just thinks shes still alive what would be the point??

Hate this disease even more every day am getting very down with my mum shes in bad mood today which is becoming more aggressive everyday.

I dont have the strenght to deal with this so ive done nothing if she kicks off I will go out to my friends some days you cope others you dont

 

[retiredcopper]

Thanks everyone for your help & advice. I think I will have to pretend he has gone to work like Lin suggests. Hopefully she will accept that & I'm hoping it's another 'phase' that won't last long - until the next one!

 

[tiggs72]

Hiya - don't know if it helps but when my dad asks a out my brother (he died 22yrs ago!) I just fib and say he's fine. I don't see the point in putting thru him the grief all over again!

He does this in phases and forgets - and technically it's not fibbing because I feel he's happy in heaven so is actually fine

Good luck xx