1. Memori

    Memori Registered User

    Sep 22, 2006
    I really dont know what to do for the best, things are getting worse,
    I am visiting my Mother for the weekend and Friday she got up early
    for a change, was eating well and almost seemed like her old self,
    then yesterday she didn’t want to get up, didn’t eat breakfast but
    had her lunch in bed, finally got up very cross about three PM, then
    was falling asleep in the chair a lot of the time, but was a bit
    better later and made herself cups of tea, I cooked her a lovely meal
    for dinner but she only ate a small part of it, but all was well
    until ten last night when she went to make a cup of tea before bed,
    then she rushed back in to me saying something was wrong, I went into
    the kitchen and the top of the cooker was on fire, she had put the
    plastic electric kettle on the gas hob, it had melted half way down
    and all the melted plastic was burning, I managed to put it out and
    spent the rest of the evening chipping burnt plastic from the hob,
    and opening doors and windows to let the smell out, afterwards she
    didn’t seem to realise what she had done or what the consequences
    might have been, now I dont know if she can be left alone and dont
    know what I am going to do, she has always said she does not want to
    go into a home and does not want to live with me, I dont know if I
    could live with her because of mine and my families problems, there
    is no-one else to help.
  2. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    Memori - this is very hard but really, I'm not sure you have any other option. When it comes to safety issues then you just have to, I'm sorry to say, go against people's expressed wishes and recognise that this is part of dementia - they have no understanding of their situation. Does she have a social worker? You're going to have to be very firm about this, both to the powers that be and you mother. I have to say, it is very rare that anyone will say "oh yes, I want to to go into a home" - 99% of the time it's the other way, yet that is what is necessary sometimes.
  3. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    Dear Memori:
    This is a tremendous problem for you but I am sure you will get more comments from others who have had similar situations.

    My own thought is you, and maybe also your Mum, should see her Doctor (behind her back if you have to). That should lead you to see someone from Social Services. I think alarm bells will ring when they see a safety problem and don't be afraid to emphasise this. The outcome is hard to predict but maybe some support at home may be the answer for a short time. When things get really difficult you may find that your Mum will decide for herself when a Care Home is her best option.

    Good luck and best wishes Jan
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Memori,

    Only you can decide whether or not your mother is at risk if she continues to live by herself.

    You can try to ensure her safety by buying kitchen equipment she can use without incuring danger, but it will be difficult to get everything right.

    Does she have a Social Worker? Is there anyone who can advise you?

    My mother had a couple of `accidents` in the kitchen, and she eventually was at risk and was glad to go into a home. She changed her mind once she was there, and wanted to go home, but I`m afraid once she was in the home, it was permanent, as the lesser of two evils.

    IT sounds as if your mother is at that stage now, or working towards it. It`s not a pleasant decision to have to make, I know.
  5. Memori

    Memori Registered User

    Sep 22, 2006
    Thanks for replying yes my Mother has got a Social Worker as she has
    just started having care workers in at lunchtime, when I am not
    there, so I will talk to her, I have also had a very nice therapist
    from the Memory Clinic visit in the past so I might contact her or
    Mums Doctor, but she has a new Doctor as her old one has left and I
    dont know who that will be as yet, and I have been thinking about
    ringing Age Concern do you think they could help in any way? I have
    not been in touch with them yet but know they have carers meetings in
    my locality, I still have not sorted out the financial problems, and
    the attendance allowance I sent the forms off only to have a phone
    call from them to say that Mum had to sign the forms herself, and
    they have not been returned yet, but as she refuses to believe she
    has any problems I dont know how I can get her to sign.
  6. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #6 Margarita, Feb 3, 2008
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2008
    Yes that right , unless you have POA then you can sigh it . Could you not say to your mother that all elderly people can get it , it be an extra income for her , just a little white lie to get her to sigh it .

    you can talk to SS about getting technical assistants , for your mother in the kitchen for the cooker . ( if your mother lets you )

    what kind of Kettle was it ?

    was it one of those that is not connect with a lead , so can be moved around , get her a new one that can't be moved around its always connected with the lead .

    Sounds like a good idea .
  7. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    Just a sec - yes you CAN sign on someones behalf - I did it for my mother even without an EPA

    The form says (on page 5 http://www.dwp.gov.uk/advisers/claimforms/aa1a_print.pdf):

    If you cannot sign the forms yourself

    If you cannot sign the form yourself, then the person who fills it in can sign it for you. But they must tell us why they are signing for you. There is a space on page 2 of the form for this.
  8. Nebiroth

    Nebiroth Registered User

    Aug 20, 2006
    Yes; you do not have to have EPA in order to claim Attendance Allowance on someone else's behalf. If you have EPA then you just do the forms and tick the box marked "I have EPA" so it does simplify things!

    If you do not, you complete the forms, sign it, but you also have to fill in the box where you explain why you and not the person concerned are doing the application.

    You may also apply without telling the person, and there is a section you can complete after ticking the box marked "I am applying without telling the person".

    AFAIK usually the only acceptable reasons are that the person would either not understand, or would be caused distress.

    It is also possible to apply to be made responsible for, and in receipt of, benefits for someone else. If you wish to do this, you will normally be interviewed by a social worker because they need to ensure you will be acting in the person's best interests.

    If you have EPA then you already have the necessary powers.

    So, they have made provision for people who become incapable but who have not made arrangements for management of their affairs.
  9. BeverleyY

    BeverleyY Registered User

    Jan 29, 2008
    Ashford, Kent
    I guess making the decision of when to put someone into care is a personal thing.

    My Dad lives with us, and at the moment he is, shall we say, pleasantly confused.

    We have 2 children (7 and 13), and my husband and I both agree that we will keep Dad here with us for as long as we can. Our cut off point will be when he is a danger to himselves/our children or when the physical needs (i.e. if he becomes disabled/incontinent) become too much of a strain for me to cope with.

    For me, my Dad setting fire to the home would be the signal for me to seriously consider a home.

  10. Memori

    Memori Registered User

    Sep 22, 2006
    The kettle was an electric one with a separate base, I dont think
    there are many that have wires attached these days, she had only had
    it at Christmas, as her last one that was the same packed up, I think
    it had got wet and the electric’s stopped working, she has had an
    electric kettle before that one and has used them for years, but when
    I bought the one at Christmas I did buy a kettle for the hob as
    well, which I hope she will be ok with, I just wish I had got a
    cheaper electric one, she had put the gas out under the fire but
    didn’t understand why it was still burning, the plastic that melted was burning, it gave me more of a scare than her, and when I said that if the powers to be said she was not safe alone what would she do she said she
    would tell them where to go!
    I do not have P.O.A. as yet, but was told that I could apply for her attendance allowance benefit, as she would forget what she had done,
    so I did explain this on the form, but when asked on the phone if she
    was managing her own affairs I had to say yes, so they said she would
    have to sign it, also the forms said to apply for carers benefit at
    the same time but when I rang the B.E.L. inquiry line they said to
    apply for the attendance allowance first, as I will be 60 in a few
    months I thought it would not be paid after that but I have heard
    conflicting reports about it.
    Ive been having heated discussions with my children about what to do
    for the best, but I still dont know what will happen.
    Thank you all for your replies, I feel less alone now.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.