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What to do!?

tatty

Registered User
Oct 14, 2015
61
i advice please!!

MIL lives with us we were asessesd for respite in Oct and MIL as carers in and eligible for extra care, lives with us since Nov 2014 in different L.Ato her old one of 42yearsplus, financial assessment is L.A funded, so Ss here said no CH but extra carewiating list in old L.A....MiL accepted on list....Mixed dementia...mild to moderate slowly worsening taken of donezipil 5mg due to change in behaviour , increase in continence accidents...

Basically acting oddly at a finally party on Sat 3 people to get her out of loo checked over okay anywayd went to SIL for Easter that eve in church collapsed in hospital with pneumonia since then SIL lives 2 hours away from us, we were visting tomorrow as OH was to do an assessment etc. anyhow BIL calls physio siad MiL can getout of a chair and walk woth stick to loo, have no idea if pneumonia resolvd, so take her home


We as a quartet agreed yesterday that MIL need CH and we as a couple have said since last Oct that we were unable to cope anyhow , SIL has in our opinion been bullied into agreeing to take MIL back to her house for 4weeks with some form of care package ....and as physio said to OH you've got 4weeks to sort something else out..... our SW does absolutely nothing , extra care can't conjure up beds... concerned SS will still say no to CH, have no idea how MIL is apart from being able to get up of a chair

SIL has not consulted us before agreeing to take
MIL out tomorrow which we feel will lead us back to square one....SIL does not listen to what we have tried request respite, assessment etc. to no avail .... any ideas as to our next move...

Last edited by tatty; Today at 06:46 PM. Reason: wrong place

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Chemmy

Registered User
Nov 7, 2011
7,591
Yorkshire
Just to clarify....your MIL is being discharged from hospital to stay with your SIL (presumably her daughter?) And her husband.

They live two hours away and they haven't consulted you before agreeing to the discharge?

Personally, I'd be tempted to lie low and let them sort it out themselves. You've done your bit if she's been living with you up until now. They might actually realise just how hard hands on caring is once they've had a proper attempt at it.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,247
Yorkshire
Hi tatty
I agree with Chemmy - her daughter and son-in-law have agreed to have her stay in their home, so let that stand and see how it goes - it will be quite an experience for all concerned - you will get to have a rest and her daughter will get to know her mother's situation first hand (or son, if that's the connection)
sadly, you may end up going full circle, but her daughter will have caught up with you in understanding her mother's care needs which will stand you all in good stead - from then on you will all be united in your efforts (I appreciate what it is to have a family member not quite keeping up with the situation, having to see everything with their own eyes before it sinks in) - and you don't need to worry about your MIL as she's with her daughter not a stranger ...
use the time to do as much research into care homes as you can, and in prodding SS - as well as making the most of some time for the 2 of you without MIL (I don't say that lightly, we all know the strains of caring)
maybe just make sure that there will be a care package ie home care at intervals in the day, OT and physio etc - this will help your SIL and also offer another perspective on your MIL's 'recovery' as I found that for my dad the carers coming in noticed things I'd missed and spoke out so were supportive and helpful and their input was listened to when considering what would happen next
best wishes to you all
 
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tatty

Registered User
Oct 14, 2015
61
Just to clarify....your MIL is being discharged from hospital to stay with your SIL (presumably her daughter?) And her husband.

They live two hours away and they haven't consulted you before agreeing to the discharge?

Personally, I'd be tempted to lie low and let them sort it out themselves. You've done your bit if she's been living with you up until now. They might actually realise just how hard hands on caring is once they've had a proper attempt at it.
Hi yes it is her mum, SIL hadn't seen MIL for 3months, thinks I believe that after the 4weeks we will pick up slack and thinks that respite and alternative accomodation will just appear like magic... have no ideai if MIL will be suitable when an extracare place eventually materialises. .. frankly I have told OH (who hasn't quite relayed the message)that if they take MIL home then it will be up to them to step up.... having unofficia lmeeting at hospital tomorrow so will ensure they understand that it may take more than four weeks foran alternative to become available and they will be doing the caring until then.......:rolleyes:
 

Chemmy

Registered User
Nov 7, 2011
7,591
Yorkshire
"Possession is nine-tenths of the law." Isn't that the phrase?;)

Apologies if that comes across as flippant, but there is no reason why your MIL is any more your responsibility than the other side of the family. You've looked after her for a year and a half in your own home and have told them you can no longer cope.

As Shedrech says, stick to your guns. Come back to us if you need reassurance and backup.

I'm afraid they are about to get a drastic reality check but circumstances now dictate that the ball is in their court.

Point them in the direction of their own social services and then leave them to sort something out themselves With a bit of luck, if it's a different county, there might be a better solution forthcoming.
 

tatty

Registered User
Oct 14, 2015
61
Thank you both, given me resolve to make it plain my position, harder for OH though he agrees with me...hoping their LA is better than our very small unitary authority, ;)

Oh yes I mustn't forget the one phone call the day before mother's day from SIL too!
 

Pinkys

Registered User
Nov 13, 2014
157
South of England
This reminds me of a terrible time we had with my MiL, when we were under really intense pressure to take responsibility for her, by either collecting her or setting up emergency 24 hour care at home. this was over a weekend and 60 mile away. What we needed was the hospital to hold her for 2 days after which we had organised a CH for her to be transferred to.

The slogan which got us through? 'Hold the line and drink the wine.' so good luck with doing the same. As everyone else has said, her daughter may try to return the problem to you. Resist with all your might. Nothing will improve for anyone if there is always someone who accepts all the responsibility and lets other off the hook. But it is hard.

Our outcome was that since we were bloody minded, the hospital did keep her, and they transferred her to the CH, where she has been safe and well ever since. YAY!! Had we weakened, we may still be struggling with an impossible situation.
 

tatty

Registered User
Oct 14, 2015
61
This reminds me of a terrible time we had with my MiL, when we were under really intense pressure to take responsibility for her, by either collecting her or setting up emergency 24 hour care at home. this was over a weekend and 60 mile away. What we needed was the hospital to hold her for 2 days after which we had organised a CH for her to be transferred to.

The slogan which got us through? 'Hold the line and drink the wine.' so good luck with doing the same. As everyone else has said, her daughter may try to return the problem to you. Resist with all your might. Nothing will improve for anyone if there is always someone who accepts all the responsibility and lets other off the hook. But it is hard.

Our outcome was that since we were bloody minded, the hospital did keep her, and they transferred her to the CH, where she has been safe and well ever since. YAY!! Had we weakened, we may still be struggling with an impossible situation.
Well we went yesterday basically already a fait a compli as has all the equipment ready for BIl to take and ward sister in middle of discharge... SIL is having carers in am amd pm amd obviously follow up with physio and district nurse but this is just temporary , when I asked what happens after 4 weeks SIL just looked at me and said I don't know, .... I think she thinks if have carers in there for 4weeks that will make a place available in extra care....... only chink of light is that I had contacted SW and Mental health nurse no reply....but also the extra care housing lady who told me there was 'probably' space coming up in a really nice extra care facility in the near future ..time scale unknown.... SIL upset that MIL shouted at her when she contradicted her.... I just told her she had to get used to it:rolleyes:


Going to enjoy the next four weeks of bliss, have mailed all the. extended family with an update so SIL can be the social secretary and answer the calls for a change , hurrah!

No doctors, no nurse, no pediatrist, no organising day care, sorting medication, dealing with continence issues etc etc no verbal abuse,no remembering to disable the cooker, leave clear notes/reminders, no stick dropped on foot or rewashing crockey (2 finger to clean in cold running water) no smells of urine, no endurng teeth being pushed in and out of mouth all day long, no long distant trips to church.no lost glasses, no lack of hearing aids and best of all No MOANING.....I might just get used to it :D Making myself gidddy now..

And that is nothing to what I know many of you do for you nearest and dearest, hats off to you all:):)
 

RedLou

Registered User
Jul 30, 2014
1,162
Tatty - as her daughter has stepped up, I wouldn't just get used to it for four weeks but as an ongoing fait accompli. You've done your bit and well done for doing it. Frankly -- SiL can get on with it now and sort out the ongoing arrangements. ;)
 

Chemmy

Registered User
Nov 7, 2011
7,591
Yorkshire
Tatty - as her daughter has stepped up, I wouldn't just get used to it for four weeks but as an ongoing fait accompli. You've done your bit and well done for doing it. Frankly -- SiL can get on with it now and sort out the ongoing arrangements. ;)
Couldn't agree more. The relief you are experiencing is palpable, Tatty :D Enjoy it.
 

Onlyme

Registered User
Apr 5, 2010
4,995
UK
Tatty remember that no one can make you have your MIL back in your house. Stick to your guns and send all SIL's cry-for-help phone calls to voicemail for a few days. Tough love.;)
 

tatty

Registered User
Oct 14, 2015
61
Tatty remember that no one can make you have your MIL back in your house. Stick to your guns and send all SIL's cry-for-help phone calls to voicemail for a few days. Tough love.;)
Well carer were supposed to according to the discharge nurse start on Monday coming in breakfast and bed time at first as SiL only has an upstairs bathroom with over shower bath (loo downsatirs) and when we asked no carer plan was in place on discahrage instead to be organised last Friday by hospital SW , even though it should have been sorted before discharge, ward sister and SIL just looked at us as unreasonable when we suggested this.

Any way a week after discharge NO intermdate care package at all the nsister apoke to hospital SW , his response unknown , when shecalled again and left message no response to date. Physio /OT have yet to visit also. SIL only agree to discharrge as she was promised this was all going to happen... we disagreed with discharge at that juncture as main a
carers and bitter experince but SIL went ahead anyway.... which I am sure she now regrets..

Mil is regsitered as temp patient at SIL docs who are good and antibios only finished
today for pneumonia so in my opinion st home too early weight has dropped dramatically now on complan (YUK!)


OH has told her to contact MP as intermediate care should be available and MIL has a needs assessment of carers 4x aday but in our LA.