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What to do?

Rosebay

Registered User
Jul 27, 2014
165
Oxfordshire
Life is far from normal here now and although I want to make my first priority keeping my husband happy I now have an internal conflict. At my last Carers Assessment they stressed how important it was for me to have time for myself – easier said than done nowadays! I had given up my gym membership last year but they persuaded me to renew it which I did. My club is a few minutes walk from my house on a very quiet housing estate - so easy for me to go to but my husband now does not want me to go there "as its not safe for me to walk on my own"! (I am 61 years old)! When I do go to the Club it is only during the daytime and I am only out for just over an hour. Should I ignore him and continue going or just give it up. He is always so happy to see me when I get back - you would think I had been away for a week! Has anyone experienced this kind of behaviour before?
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,132
Scotland
You must keep up your interests especially when it is a healthy one. He will deteriorate and it will become harder for you to have a life of your own. It is unfortunate that this can happen quite quickly and before you have arranged an alternative life. Better that he is pleased to see you than you too become a prisoner of dementia. I am now in that place and I don't like it one bit!
 

Spamar

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
7,475
Suffolk
How about a respite service or a friend who could sit with him, or take him out for coffee and cake, or whatever takes his fancy while you go to the gym?
 

Chuggalug

Registered User
Mar 24, 2014
8,007
Norfolk
I had to give up my charity work as at the time, there was no other choice. Get something together you can do at home if you have a hobby you like. I built a home studio to replace my radio station activities.
 

Rashley

Registered User
Dec 21, 2014
20
Devon
Hi Rosebay. It has been 2 years since my OH was diagnosed with VD and I used to go to the gym and aquacise. These have been now impossible to go to as I cannot leave my husband. I used to use a volunteer charity with a voucher system and got out a bit, but his condition has worsened and now it's daycare 3 times a week. I am trying to make a new life for myself but it is difficult. My OH is 73 and I am 69 it feels too young for life to end. Hope you keep a routine with help for your OH to continue some outside activity. Best wishes.x
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,770
Kent
Hello Rosebay

If your husband is anything like mine, the reason he tells you it is not safe for you to go out alone is because your going out is a threat to his security and he is afraid something will happen to you and you will not return .

I stopped going out when I realised my husband was standing at the window waiting for me. He couldn`t voice the reason for his anxiety but I could see how anxious he is.

It is when I got a sitter in so I could go out in peace. I got the sitter in as a `cleaner` to help in the house. It was easier for my husband to agree to a new presence in the home and he was happy to `supervise` her while I was out.
 

tigerqueen

Registered User
Mar 11, 2014
75
Essex
What good advice everyone has given. I also try to go to the gym/pool, as this is my "me" time, but I find the best time for me is to go before he gets up. So I go out about 6:30am (gym opens at 6) and tell him it's not time to get up yet so he goes back to sleep. He's often just getting up when I get back, then we have breakfast together.
 

Bru

Registered User
Dec 19, 2013
5
Epsom surrey
Keep going

What good advice everyone has given. I also try to go to the gym/pool, as this is my "me" time, but I find the best time for me is to go before he gets up. So I go out about 6:30am (gym opens at 6) and tell him it's not time to get up yet so he goes back to sleep. He's often just getting up when I get back, then we have breakfast together.
My husband has been physically disabled for 14 yrs and now has Alzheimer's and VD so needs support with everything. He sleeps very late each day so mornings are 'my time'.
I found that the local gym has water workout classes 3 times a week in the mornings and so, daringly, because you can never be sure he will stay asleep, I started going. It has made such a difference to meet others and feel I am doing something for me! I have no outside help and weather the storms his disease creates but am starting to build a life outside. You should do the same. Good luck.
 

Rosebay

Registered User
Jul 27, 2014
165
Oxfordshire
Thank you

Thank you to Tigerqueen, Grannie B and Bru for your advice.

I went this morning to the Club whilst my husband was still in bed and it worked well for me as I managed to leave him on his own in bed without any problems.

When I came back though he was standing on the front drive (fully dressed) trying to count the roof ridge tiles on a neighbours house! He was happy and not distressed.

I will try an early morning start again in a few days time.

I am also in the process of sorting out a sitter.

Thank you all again.
 
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