1. Lizzie K

    Lizzie K Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    18
    East Midlands
    Hello everyone. You may recall when I last put up a thread FIL was taken into hospital after a fall and hospital decided to do new mental assessment of him. He has now been there nearly a month. Doctors have now decided that he is not capable of making his own decisions and have put us in touch with social worker to discuss his needs. Physically he is now well and they want him off the ward as they need the bed.

    Social worker spoke to hubby yesterday on phone and we have an appointment to see her at 2 pm tomorrow. She wanted to know "what we wanted to do". Hubby rather phased at this as, through lots of reading off your site and from friends, we were of the understanding that we had no real rights as such to make decisions on his behalf. Dad does not want to go into a nursing home, something he has been adamant about since day one. A nursing home we spoke to told us that they would not take him without his permission in any event, - how do we fit into that scenario?

    Hubby very very upset. He does not want to go against father's wishes but is not sure how much longer Dad could cope being at home with an extended care package (I personally am not sure how much hubby could cope either).

    I have suggested that we ask if Dad can go into nursing care for a couple of weeks on a pretext just to see if he likes it and, if he does, look into permanent care; if he doesn't, look into extended home care support again. Can we do this does anyone know or am I being naive?

    It feels like a final decision is going to be needed from us tomorrow and firstly we don't think we have the capacity to do this and secondy, we don't feel fully versed in all the options to help us make final decisions. We have gone round in circles discussing it this evening. Help! Lizzie
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,865
    Kent
    Dear Lizzie,

    I know it sounds deceitful, but would your FIL accept going into a `convalescent home` until he grew stronger.

    I feel awful suggesting this, but it does sound as if he will need more than a care package in his own home, and it is in his best interests.

    If the medics feel he is no longer able to make decisions for himself, it does sound as if he would be at risk, at home.

    Please let us know how you get on with the SW tomorrow. Good luck.

    Love xx
     
  3. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    Hi Lizzie,sorry for your quandry on this one.Its a difficult decision for anyone to make.Working in a care home I have encountered residents coming into the home and not wanting to be there.Perhaps a couple of weeks respite care may do the trick,i have seen it happen,residents are reluctant to go home when they realise they cannot look after themselves any longer.I am not positive on this but when i have read assessment documents,the resident has always agreed to going into the home.At the end of the day i would think it was ultimatley their decision unless they are unable to contribute to their care needs assessment questions.Its a tough one but good luck and lets us know how you go.love elainex
     
  4. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,438
    Hi Lizzie

    I think you're correct that legally, you have no way to enforce any decision you might make. Which is not to say that, if your FIL is admamant about not going into a nursing home, there are not ways to make him go into a nursing home. Specifically sectioning. The problem is, if he remains adamant your husband is going to have to decide how much support he is prepared to give him. I can easily see a situation in which the closest family member is effectively "blackmailed" (or should it be "guited") into doing far more in the way of support than they are capable of, physically and emotionally.

    I think what normally happens is that an attempt is made to "manage" the person in question into the nursing home: many of the elderly will agree to do something that a professional (doctor, social worker) suggests when they won't countenance it if it comes from a family member, or they are moved into a home on a temporary basis, which become permanent. I think your husband (and you) are going to have to be very clear about how much collusion you are going to participate in. Personally I would collude all the way if it meant keeping a loved one safe, but some people miight not find that possible.

    I would go to the meeting with an open mind, but be prepared to state explicitly what you are prepared to do in terms of arrangments. As I said, your FIL may have a change of heart when the position is put to him by a professional, but it is possible that the social worker is expecting your husband to persuade his father, which may not work.

    Best wishes
     
  5. Lizzie K

    Lizzie K Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    18
    East Midlands
    Thank you for your supportive replies. We met for a two hour session with the social worker on wednesday. She kept saying the decision was ours as to what to do. We kept trying to explain to her that legally we could not make that decision. Morally, we are not forcing dad to go somewhere we know he will hate, we just cannot do it, and we do not have the right to do so - but the law does not seem to count to social services!

    Anyway the outcome is that dad is coming home on tuesday with an extended care package. We used to just have two visits a day from carers and meals on wheels. We did all the washing, cleaning, shopping, bathing etc. The new care package is four visits a day plus someone will do the washing, general cleaning and bathing. We are also going to look into him going to a day centre and applying for respite care. We are going to explain to him that this is the only way he can come home as we feel he will accept this - he is crawling up the walls to get out of hospital and keeps "wandering" as the nurses call it. At home he is happy, at peace and never wanders because he is where he wants to be. However, the day centre might get him acclimatised if things change.

    We appreciate that this may not be the safest option but when dad was able to communicate better he told us that he would rather die in his own home than be stuck in nursing care. We are trying the "suck it and see" method. If this does not work then the next step is full time care. Hubby feels that he is going down the right track and I support this.

    Thanks again for your advice and support, it is so good to be able to communicate with people who are going through similar situatiions as yourself. Take care. Lizzie
     
  6. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,865
    Kent
    Dear Lizzie,

    I have to applaud your determinationto try every possible way of keeping your FIL in his own home and wish you all the very best of luck.

    I do hope you will post an update to tell us how the care package you have arranged, works. You seem to have it all covered.

    Love xx
     
  7. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Lizzie

    I want to know how you get on. please tell me. I wanted this kind of package for my mum but it was not affordable or on offer. Mum is now in a Care Home and doesn't like it, but I felt we had no choice. I have to add that mum was wandering out at night before her admittance to hospital, in fact she had been in a real mess as we discovered afterwards, going to the corner shop at 2 a.m., waiting for the bus at 1.30 a.m. and declaring that the clocks were wrong, and the telly was wrong cos New at Ten was on and it was only mid-afternon.

    Not sure your package would have worked for mum, but I'd still be interested to see how you go on.

    Love

    Margaret
     
  8. Lizzie K

    Lizzie K Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    18
    East Midlands
    Of course I will let you know how we get on Margaret. We are doing it with trepidation and do wonder if it will work, but we will never know until we try. We are lucky I suppose that dad does not wander any more. He did at one time but he seems to have got past that now.

    We have told him the situation and he has accepted it as far as we can tell. Hubby and I can now think of going away for a few days for the first time in four summers. Its like an early Xmas pressie!

    Thanks for your applause Granny G, I think you are an amazing lady having read a lot of your entries. Please take care of yourself.

    Lizzie K
     

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