1. nessy22

    nessy22 Registered User

    Nov 22, 2014
    Mum has mild to moderate dementia and has been in a residential home for over a year. She was no longer safe in her home, wandered and wouldn't accept carers. I was unable to look after her at that time and she didn't want me to either although we tried for 6 weeks. It was not a success plus she has always been very critic of me, didn't like my husband etc. Although her memory and concentration is poor for anything new she is good with old routines and faces and her speech can be excellent, especially 'hostess' effect and opening old wounds. I haven't posted for a while but reading the posts in this site have been a great help, I don't know what I would have done without this site.

    Mum has only 50% settled in the home from what I can see. She has good and bad periods. But she is still in denial about her condition and has massive bought of complaining- that won't change of course. When she is in a bad mood seems like she is living in a nightmare as she can't understand why she is in the home or 'worse than being in prison'. The home do their utmost to help Mum be as independent and occupied as possible.

    Now to my question. Every time we talk for a minute Mum asks me to explain why she is in the home, who put her in, why I did not get lawyers to get her out....and so on into a downward and horrible spiral. I can't break that spiral: Mum doesn't want to be kept 'safe', she wants to be free and independent again. Who wouldn't. Basically she is dreadfully unhappy.

    Should I really look after her myself now that my kids are leaving home or not. Or should I see and speak to her less regularly and let her just get on with it. She sometimes pleads with me to let her stay with us.

    Have felt so absolutely rotten for the past 3 years about the situation and completely drained but feel between a rock and a hard place. Am I right to suspect she will never be happy now or should I give it another chance. Am I just 'punishing' her for the times in the past before AD when she made life very difficult and just too selfish ( one more year before i retire ). Hubby is supportive to whatever decision I make.
  2. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    Don't do it to yourself. She wont get better, only worse.
  3. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    I agree with Jessbow. It's very likely that your mother would be unhappy wherever she was. The difference is that, if she were living with you, you would be unhappy too. As well as frustrated and exhausted.
  4. Linbrusco

    Linbrusco Registered User

    Mar 4, 2013
    Auckland...... New Zealand
    #4 Linbrusco, Sep 13, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2016
    Mum has only been in care 7 weeks and for the most part is happy, well fed (putting on weight) no UTI's in those 7 weeks, some days she will complain she's fed up being there, when is she getting home, she needs to see her doctor, she will get her shoes and coat etc
    and then some days you visit she cannot get rid of you fast enough looking for her friends that she's made, happy and laughing.

    At home she was even more unhappy... still fed up, couldn't hack living with dad or David ( depending on who she thought dad was) anymore, if she lived with him she would have a nervous break down.. she always wanted to be with people... where were they all? Mum was not safe at home, and dad compromised her safety also by leaving her alone, and could not understand why he had to tell me where he was going... because after all.. he told Mum where he was going. He still to this day does not comprehend Alzheimers. Dad has cognitive impairment, so i don't think he will ever.

    On one of her bad days it's upsetting... only the other day she said that everyone had fallen out with her and were not talking to her and she wanted to go home to be with dad :eek:
    The next day you visit and she's talking away to everyone, happy as larry with no mention of dad.

    No one wants to think of anyone, parent, grandparent with dementia being unhappy, but on the other hand being kept safe, fed, warm, with regular nursing care wins hands down.
  5. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    My mother was like this for what seems ages - visits were very difficult for quite a while and TBH I would dread visiting, which made me feel awful for dreading visiting my own mother.
    Now and then - apart from, 'get me out of here!' and 'I hate it here!' she would say, 'Can't I come home with you?' , which made me feel absolutely awful, but I honestly don't think she'd have been happy with me either - she hadn't been to our house for years because she wouldn't leave her house at all, and I'm sure it would have been strange and unfamiliar.
    Added to that, her dementia was pretty bad by then, zero short term memory and could no longer even make herself a cup of tea (according to her there was nothing wrong with her) so she couldn't have been left alone at all, not even for half an hour. Dh was still working long hours in a demanding job, and particularly having done it all before with FIL - broken nights, endless pacing and repeated questions, etc., unable ever to go out together - there was no way I was undertaking all that again.
    It did get better eventually, though it did seem an age at the time.

    You have all my sympathy - I know just how hard it is, but by the time someone needs 24/7 care and supervision, then unless you have the patience of 40 saints, are prepared to give up virtually your entire life to caring, and kiss goodbye to any sort of life with your dh, then I would say firmly, a good care home is by far the best place - staff are not stressed out of their minds and permanently exhausted, and (presumably) don't feel like screaming several times a day.
    Please don't let your own feelings, or anyone else, guilt trip you into something you would almost certainly come to regret very quickly.
  6. nessy22

    nessy22 Registered User

    Nov 22, 2014

    Thanks to all of you for replying. Nessy22
  7. camkam

    camkam Registered User

    Jul 20, 2015
    Hi, my mum is probably 75% settled in the care home, but as you said she hasn't had a UTI, she hadn't fallen and she's eating well since she went in there. To anyone who will listen she asks why she's in there, she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her and she has an answer for everything! Recently she flooded her room whilst washing her knickers (!) but she says there was a burst pipe. She asks me who put her into the care home but to other people she 100% blames me. It used to really hurt me but now I've hardened to it, just remember that she's safe, well fed and if there are any medical issues they will be dealt with straight away. I certainly don't miss the phone calls at midnight asking me where I lived and when was I coming home!

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  8. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Dont try and explain why she is in the home - she will not understand, because in her eyes there is nothing wrong with her.
    When mum went into a CH and she wanted to know why she was there and when she could get out again I told her that she had been unwell, that she was convalescing and she would be able to go home again once the doctor said she was better. Mum accepted this and I said it every time I saw her until she stopped asking

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