What to do How to cope

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by purchase, Dec 2, 2005.

  1. purchase

    purchase Registered User

    Aug 31, 2005
    50
    England
    Hi everyone

    Haven't posted for a few weeks. I really would appreciate your thoughts on what you would do or suggestions on how to cope.

    Mom has as you know been diagnosed with AD. She is in a care home and as mentioned before we haven't told her. She is still crying constantly. In fact the crying has got worse. As before we are told quite truthfully I think that mom is fine when we are not there. When we visit mom cries almost constantly and says: When am I coming home. Promise me that I am not in here for good etc. Some people think that we should tell her, others not. I just don't know. Do you know if this constant crying is part of AD. I haven't yet spoken to anyone either on this wonderful site or at meetings who have this dilemma. Mom has been on a new anti depressant but it doesn't seem to be making any difference. Her psychiatric team don't think she is depressed because she seems to be fine as long as we don't visit. We are now wondering if we should visit though this thought seems unbearable to us.

    Yesterday it was the Christmas Meal for the three care homes that are owned by the people that mom's home is under. We were invited along and were happy to go thinking that for once we would have a happy few hours with mom. How wrong can we be. Mom cried as soon as she saw us and didn't stop for much time at all. All the other residents were having a good time, singing along to the entertainment and dancing. Mom just cried. In the end we decided to leave so that maybe mom would have a good time because we weren't there. How sad is that. I left in tears, partly frustration and partly sadness at the thought that we seem to upset mom when all we want to do is spend time with her. Please advise me.
    I am planning to have mom at my house for Christmas but I don't know what to do. My husband thinks it is a mistake but I find it hard to think she won't be with her family at Christmas but would she be happier at the home.

    I am hoping to meet up with mom's psychiatrists soon, I haven't met the new team yet but I would really appreciate your advise. It would also have been my dad's birthday yesterday and I just wanted him back so much.

    Sorry to have rambled on but it helps to write things down.

    Thanks. Take care Jacky
     
  2. Tressa

    Tressa Registered User

    May 18, 2004
    31
    N. Ireland
    Hi Jacky,

    Unfortunately I am not in a position to give you advice as my mum is still living at home. But I lost my dad a few years ago, so with that and the fact that both our mums have AD I felt we had enough in common to drop you a message to let you know you are not alone. I wish I had my dad everyday, partly because my mum never got over his death and misses him terribly and for the fact that he would be here to kick my siblings asses.

    I can only imagine the torment and pain you are going through when you leave your mum after a visit. Its too painful for me to even think about if/when it happens in my situation.

    You sound to be a very strong lady and I know that you will get help and guidance from the great people who use TP. Never feel that you are rambling on because you aren't and didn't.

    Stay strong and hope you find a solution.

    Take care

    Tressa.
     
  3. MichelleE

    MichelleE Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    14
    Bedford UK
    Hi Jacky,
    Like the last posing I can offer any advice. My mother is still at home and constantly crying when I'm there. or when she speaks to me on the phone. She is starting a trial course of anti depresants next week, I'm hoping they will help.
    Mum also apears to be fine infront of doctors and the like, but now we have a care team coming in twice a day she is finding hard to keep up the front that she normally does around 'strangers'.
    As of yet I have no answer other than to comfort and be strong enough to walk away knowing she will be fine.
    Mish
     
  4. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex
    Hello
    Jacky

    I am sorry you have to see your Mum crying every visit, it must be so hard for you.

    I lost my own Dad last year and miss him so very much too, he was Mum's soulmate, but Mum never mentions him, which is perhaps a good thing for her.

    As for having your Mum at Christmas, I think if your husband is not thrilled at the thought and she cries whenever she sees you, it may be best for her to stay where she is and have as happy a time as she can.

    We had the decision last year and Mum stayed at the home and had the most lovely day, she was familiar people and surroundings, so this year she will do the same. With us she would be in what was, to her, a strange place with people she didn't know.

    More importantly , the staff at the home care for her 24/7 so know her needs as well as, if not better than, we do in lots of ways.
    It is horrible to not have Mum with us, but her needs have to come first and , for her, this is the best way.

    I hope the crying is resolved before long, for all your sakes.

    Kathleen
    xx
     
  5. Sweetie

    Sweetie Registered User

    Nov 27, 2005
    13
    North Yorkshire
    Hi Jacky,

    I have recently joined and my mum has just moved into a care home a week ago, after two weeks assessment in special unit at her local hospital. We have had a tough year and things got progressively worse and all agreed she was unsafe to be on her own miles away from any family, even with social services and CPN support.

    I visited mum today for the second time and once again she was asking how long do I have to stay here, it's like being in prison, I don't want to stay here, they are talking all my things away etc. etc. Talking to the staff who seem to be very good to the residents, they say she took a day or two to settle down after my last visit and then was completely different and didn't mention wanting to go home, and was enjoying herself.

    I also wonder if the visits spark off these episodes and hope that she will get used to where she is. I couldn't bear not having to see her at least once a week.
    Perhaps the crying is all part of this, and she really is OK once you have left. I hope so, or are we faced with the same situation every time we go from now on?

    Hope it sorts itself out for you. We were also wondering about Christmas day but are starting to think she would be totally confused and be better off in her "new" surroundings with staff she knows. But a difficult decision I know.
     
  6. Robert

    Robert Registered User

    Feb 25, 2005
    44
    Hello purchase,

    Sorry I can't help with any advice ref your Mum crying during your visits .

    I just wondered if you had tried visiting your Mum at her care home at different times while she is occupied, maybe watching TV or at a meal time etc, without her being aware you are there. If the carers are correct and she is not crying, at least it would put your mind at rest.

    Robert.
     
  7. boomer

    boomer Registered User

    Nov 21, 2005
    20
    peak district england
    crying

    my dad has been in respite for a couple of weeks now ...the first week it was advised no one to visit till he settled down,mum has been visiting this week and dad has cried each time and my sister has visited today too and he cried again.cant answer why ..dad was never one to show his feelings or emotions ,including love.but just to let you know that you are not the only one experiencing this ..........although they cannot explain i suspect it is bottled up emotions and when they see a loved one, the flood gates are opened.

    take care ..and i hope you find a solution...anne x
     
  8. purchase

    purchase Registered User

    Aug 31, 2005
    50
    England
    Just read all your replies. Thanks so much. Yet again TP has helped me such a lot. Just to update you I spoke to mom's psychiatrist and she has advised me not to visit for a week at least so I'm going to give it a try although I will find it very hard. It seems such a shame that mom isn't having visitors because she cries all the time but I can't possibly get her to understand this.

    There is a party at the home next week to celebrate the opening of the new lounge. My sister and I are going and we will see how things are then.

    Thanks again for your support.

    Jacky
     

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