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What to do for the best for mother

Bunty2410

Registered User
Apr 28, 2020
56
So...... my mum moved in last Friday with furniture etc ‘for a trial period’ I had a month in mind but after 2 days I knew I couldn’t do this. I’ve had to cut her alcohol intake because in the evenings she was becoming belligerent, verbal outbursts, without justification. Evenings have improved but she barely makes conversation, she’s very doddery freestyles with her Zimmer frame, does nothing for herself. My son says he’s worried about bringing his girlfriend to the house and more importantly my hubby is shocked by how bad she is. I’m not shocked just terribly sad that I can’t do this, I feel as if I’ve gone back into lockdown. I dont want to compromise my families quality of life and I want to be her daughter not her Carer. She doesn’t want to go home but sadly that is what will be happening. My sister and I will then hopefully convince her to move into a nursing home near us so we can visit her frequently, know she is cared for and achieve a quality of life for all concerned.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
507
So...... my mum moved in last Friday with furniture etc ‘for a trial period’ I had a month in mind but after 2 days I knew I couldn’t do this. I’ve had to cut her alcohol intake because in the evenings she was becoming belligerent, verbal outbursts, without justification. Evenings have improved but she barely makes conversation, she’s very doddery freestyles with her Zimmer frame, does nothing for herself. My son says he’s worried about bringing his girlfriend to the house and more importantly my hubby is shocked by how bad she is. I’m not shocked just terribly sad that I can’t do this, I feel as if I’ve gone back into lockdown. I dont want to compromise my families quality of life and I want to be her daughter not her Carer. She doesn’t want to go home but sadly that is what will be happening. My sister and I will then hopefully convince her to move into a nursing home near us so we can visit her frequently, know she is cared for and achieve a quality of life for all concerned.
I'm sorry it didn't work out, but you have learned something from this experience. I would urge you move her into residential care as soon as possible. Then you will have much more peace of mind and can start being a daughter again. wishing you the best.
 

Bunty2410

Registered User
Apr 28, 2020
56
I'm sorry it didn't work out, but you have learned something from this experience. I would urge you move her into residential care as soon as possible. Then you will have much more peace of mind and can start being a daughter again. wishing you the best.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,666
South coast
I’m dreading telling her
At the end of the weekend I just said - well mum, weve had a lovely weekend, but its time to go home now. When she asked me if she could come and live with me I just said - no, mum, it wouldnt work.

Dont try and give expanations or try reasoning with her, it wont work and will just make everything worse.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,846
I'm glad you gave it a shot @Bunty2410 . If you hadn't you'd have been wondering if you should have tried. It sounds a bit of a worry that she's moved in with furniture etc, as she is obviously going to think it wasn't just a visit. I agree with @canary and just say it's time to go home and it wouldn't work. My mother kept on wanting to move in with me, even though when she was well she always said she'd never want to do that. I knew it wouldn't work and my husband refused to agree anyway.
As for getting her to agree to a care home, I wouldn't try. Just find one you think will suit and put her on the waiting list. I guess she will be self-funding? This is what I did for my mother and then had worries she'd convince them she was fine and could cope at home. There had to be Deprivation of Liberty Safeguarding (DoLS) meeting, where it was agreed she didn't have the capacity to decide. If they said she did have capacity and could go home I would have refused to do anything for her and let social services pick up the pieces.
Good luck with it all, it is a horrible thing to have to do, but it's doing what your mum needs, not what she wants.
 

Bunty2410

Registered User
Apr 28, 2020
56
So she wants to go home, DW my sister who is of the opinion that she is not safe between the 5 care visits (which factually is correct) she’s very good at lobbing in opinions without sorting it out. I have told my mother that to go home she needs 24hr care she’s not happy doesn’t want to spend her money on that. At the moment we are sat at the kitchen table in silence. She has never had a care needs assessment because of Covid is this a way of moving things forward? Do I just need to put my brave pants on and inflict 24 hr care on her till we can get her into a nursing home?
 

Bunty2410

Registered User
Apr 28, 2020
56
Update, reinstated all care that was in place pre stay with us. Going home tomorrow and will formally request care needs assessment. I can do no more.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
507
Update, reinstated all care that was in place pre stay with us. Going home tomorrow and will formally request care needs assessment. I can do no more.
I think that's the right next step. If she will be self funding you can start looking at homes taking people and do a trial.
I moved dad into residential in a bit of a rush and got his care assessment done at the home, then again for when he ran out of money15 months later and he got the top rate package so he clearly needed it.
 

Bunty2410

Registered User
Apr 28, 2020
56
Respecting my mothers wish we took her back to her home today( 4 hour round trip 2 cars full of her belongings) she actually seemed more settled back in her own space. Result!
phone call tonight from Carer saying they’d found her on the floor in the wc entangled in her Zimmer frame and toilet frame. No apparent injury.
This evenings question is ‘ am I to fly up and down the motorway every time she falls? if I can get a home visit will the GP expect me to be there? How do other people deal with living far away from their challenged family members?
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,666
South coast
This evenings question is ‘ am I to fly up and down the motorway every time she falls?
The reality of the the situation is that as your mum is living on her own, then, yes, everyone will want you to be there every time there is a problem.
How do other people deal with living far away from their challenged family members?
They manage either giving up their life and moving in with them, by their relative having live-in care, or by them moving to a care home.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,846
Hi @Bunty2410 , I was going to say pretty much what @canary has said. You've tried the mum living with you and know that won't work, and I guess there is no way you want to move in with her or that that is even something you could do if you wanted to. That leaves the last two options. It sounds that, even if you increased the number of care visits, a problem could occur just after one carer had left. It's lucky no harm was done this time, next time she may not be so lucky.
I think you mentioned having an idea about a care home. I suggest you arrange some 'respite' with a view to it becoming permanent and take it from there. As I said upthread that's what I did when my mother needed care, and worried about her capacity to agree or not after I'd done it.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I have no experience of live in care, but I'm sure someone who has will be along shortly.
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,374
Respecting my mothers wish we took her back to her home today( 4 hour round trip 2 cars full of her belongings) she actually seemed more settled back in her own space. Result!
phone call tonight from Carer saying they’d found her on the floor in the wc entangled in her Zimmer frame and toilet frame. No apparent injury.
This evenings question is ‘ am I to fly up and down the motorway every time she falls? if I can get a home visit will the GP expect me to be there? How do other people deal with living far away from their challenged family members?
My mother in law was a high falls risk and that was one of the tipping points for her to go into full time care. As others have said, it's either live in care or a care home. My mother in law always point blank refused to go into a care home . She refused to leave her own home, so we waited for a crisis. Eventually she became ill in the heatwave of 2018 went into hospital and from there we arranged for her to go to a home. I didn't discuss the situation with her, just organised it all . She never went back to her own house.
 

Bunty2410

Registered User
Apr 28, 2020
56
My mother in law was a high falls risk and that was one of the tipping points for her to go into full time care. As others have said, it's either live in care or a care home. My mother in law always point blank refused to go into a care home . She refused to leave her own home, so we waited for a crisis. Eventually she became ill in the heatwave of 2018 went into hospital and from there we arranged for her to go to a home. I didn't discuss the situation with her, just organised it all . She never went back to her own house.
Thank You. The surgery sent out a Paramedic to see her and as I suspected she blagged it well enough for him to describe her as ‘fine’
I don’t want to live with her, I don’t want to become a prisoner in my childhood home. She is the one who always stated that living 2 hours away from my sister and I was close enough. That she didn’t particularly like children but didn’t mind her own. On numerous occasions she refused to move closer. She was always the type of mother who would let us go rather than hang on to us. This is the course she has historically created for herself. My life is by no way over, my husband is coming up to retirement we have both worked hard and deserve a quality of life. The last week the role I fulfilled was that of Carer not daughter this made me feel of little importance to her. I cry for her situation and feel frustrated and angry at a system that fails her and others. I will always be her best advocate.
My sister and I will do our utmost to protect her and wait for the next crisis.
 
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Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,846
Your mother sounds a bit like mine @Bunty2410. Mum was very independent, had a demanding job and when she retired she and my father had a great time cruising on their canal boat for half the year. When dad died mum moved nearer my husband, son and I but we probably only saw each other once or twice a month. Mum had a busy social life and tons of friends. That only began to tail off in her mid eighties and at first I thought it was the fact her eyesight became extremely poor that caused that. Now I think it was also dementia beginning to emerge. Mum has vascular dementia so could remember stuff, it was logic that went. People that didn't see a lot of her would think she was fine, certainly her GP thought I was making a fuss over nothing when I piggybacked an appointment to ask mum to be tested for dementia. After she had a meltdown in the surgery, throwing her medication about and accusing them of deliberately giving her the wrong meds they realised what a good show she'd been putting on.
Things declined very quickly from just about managing to cope on her own aged 90 to moving into care aged 91.
I think you'll just have to let things play out, and hope your mother doesn't have a more serious accident than the one she has yesterday. I think it would be worth having a couple of homes lined up, which is what I did. As soon as I knew mum was no longer safe at home I sorted out her move.
 

Bunty2410

Registered User
Apr 28, 2020
56
Your mother sounds a bit like mine @Bunty2410. Mum was very independent, had a demanding job and when she retired she and my father had a great time cruising on their canal boat for half the year. When dad died mum moved nearer my husband, son and I but we probably only saw each other once or twice a month. Mum had a busy social life and tons of friends. That only began to tail off in her mid eighties and at first I thought it was the fact her eyesight became extremely poor that caused that. Now I think it was also dementia beginning to emerge. Mum has vascular dementia so could remember stuff, it was logic that went. People that didn't see a lot of her would think she was fine, certainly her GP thought I was making a fuss over nothing when I piggybacked an appointment to ask mum to be tested for dementia. After she had a meltdown in the surgery, throwing her medication about and accusing them of deliberately giving her the wrong meds they realised what a good show she'd been putting on.
Things declined very quickly from just about managing to cope on her own aged 90 to moving into care aged 91.
I think you'll just have to let things play out, and hope your mother doesn't have a more serious accident than the one she has yesterday. I think it would be worth having a couple of homes lined up, which is what I did. As soon as I knew mum was no longer safe at home I sorted out her move.
Thank you, my sister and I are going to have a look at some homes In the hope she will eventually consent to that type of care or events dictate.