What to do after death....

[meme]

my mothers cremation and service is tomorrow...I will come back to this thread!...but just wanted to say as far as people wanting to come to her funeral who I myself do not particularly want there....I have invited all .... and tell myself it is about my mother , not me, so I reckon anyone who cares enough about her to want to come to say goodbye is all good x (I am not having a wake,( her wishes and mine!!!) although her former employer offered one, I asked for a tree planted in her memory at Loseley House gardens instead!!)

 

[Izzy]

I hope your mother's service goes well. Wishing you strength.

 

[meme]

the cremation and service was a good one...I floated through...I registered my mothers death yesterday, delayed as there was a post mortem...it was very hard to do as it was so so final. I stopped all her utilities v early on..actually on the day she died...a new washing machine was due in two days and i clicked into "Ma wanted all bills settled on death" mode..also I was in shock I think.......I sat on the phone for hours waiting to get through to edf...a v insensitive man who wouldnt let me close the account and said when were her things being moved/and she was still liable for the bill/and who was taking over the property!!!I hung up on him and rang the edf complaints line the next day and was treated well, account closed and as good will gesture they waved the paltry £27 owing!!! BT have a bereavement line and all went well and I was asked "wasn't I amazed at how quick it had been?" not really but they were sensitive and refunded her line rental owing!!!! Thames water were sensitive too, sent final bill and was payed... Her state pension was next and they also were great...also said she was owed 3 wks pension / and attendence allowence and cold weather payment as when payed monthly it is in arrears...!!! they told the truth and all has been payed!!! I also found currys good, I cancelled the washing machine ordered for my mother and was lucky to get a very kind young man who listened to my initial sobs and very high voice so patiently...this was my first call of that day!!!
So refunds galore and no joy in the money...
Ashes being delivered next...to keep indoors or scatter in my garden??

 

[Izzy]

That's so good you got so many sensitive people. I was the same when my mum died. Although we had to pay back a week's pension!

Not sure about ashes as my mum was buried. I suppose you'd be best to mull it over for a while until you feel you know what's right for you.

Take care.

 

[Witzend]

There is a very useful book called 'What to do when someone dies'.

Well worth trying the local library - if you still have one. Mine has at least one copy.

 

[Nasus]

End of the road

Thank you to everyone who has posted here. Like many others I had tried to think how 'death' and afterwards would be, but just worried rather than doing anything. Probate etc was a new challenge. Here's a few tips for others like me:

- don't rush, just do the things you have to first and talk to those you are nearest to
( I was lucky to have my husband and my father's grandchildren; they made the funeral & wake manageable)
- write some notes or an eulogy and think of some music they liked - very good way of remembering the best times
- take a bit of time for final grief - even if you've been grieving for the lost person for many years already
(I had one good cry and felt exhausted for weeks. I also found myself grieving for my mother who died 23 years ago - can't have done that properly at the time).
- if you need help and can afford it talk to a solicitor; it helps to clarify things even if you do the rest yourself.
( I needed to get hold of my mother's will to claim the correct IHT exemption - I wouldn't have thought of that without this solicitor's advice)
- if there is a will and some money or assets left set up spreadsheets to help with IHT forms, income tax forms (if applicable)
( I was already doing this for income tax as my father had been self employed most of his life. As well as the Probate helpline, I found the following library book very useful for an estate like this, you can skip the bits that you don't need:
Financial Times Guide to Inheritance Tax , Probate and Estate Planning
Amanda Fisher
- A Deed of Variation is not a complex thing, but get good advice from relatives and friends and solicitors in case (as in most cases where IHT, Captial Gains etc is not affected) you can just do it informally

Even though I was very organised, I could not have predicted how awkward DWP (reclaim of Attendance Allowance), NHS CC ( repayment of Care fees) and Care home ( repayment of a weeks rent) would be. I still find it difficult to decide whether to go back to the care home as a volunteer, even though I know the people there need voluntary help to supplement the inadequate resourcing of the home.
Another thing I was unaware of was the complexity of 'disposal of ashes'. Scattering is not approved of by the C of E apparently so I found myself in a dilemma. This was resolved by talking to the other relatives.
Hope this helps a bit for anyone who is taking time to read this thread.

 

[Ladywriter1968]

thanks for this

Hi All,

I'm starting a thread here to help with the practical issues of dealing with a loss/death. I was completely losts when mum died, not just emotionally but practically.

I'm going to start off by adding a few useful documents and books that I have used to get through all the practical issues. I'm not going to go into too much detail, just point to some really useful resources. I'll add to this over the next couple of days.

It has also been my first probate to deal with and I have learnt a lot a long the way. Please add any useful resources that you know of, and as time goes on I will try to summarise it all in another closed thread and perhaps make it a sticky.

Kind Regards
Craig

thanks for this, my Father died the weekend, as the LA were sorting his stuff out she sent me a probate form, and I thought whats this, as I have never had to deal with it before, but I then got to understand it. Luckily it was not a long 10 page thing and a simply thing she sent me to fill out. When a person dies not only do you have the grief to deal with but all the stuff on top, some times you dont have time to grieve because you are to busy knee high in all the paperwork stuff.

 

[tony197100]

alzheimers

I lost my dad last month to this totally degrading disease the only thing he could do for himself was breath couldn't eat talk swallow or anything,something has to be done by the government to recognise this disease.

 

[technotronic]

Thanks to the person that opened this thread, some of it has been quite an eye opener.

I am just wondering how i can find out if my wife has an up to date will, only copy i can find at home is one made in 1986, containing a list of Pecuniary payments to family and friends and instructing her trustee to be pay them out of her estate not listed and funeral costs to be paid for from said estate as well.
As the estate would include the house to be sold, leaving me with nowhere to live, i need to know, whats what and if this will still stands.

 

[Bron]

Hi Craig and anyone else out there. Mum sadly passed away last week and funeral is tomorriw. All I,m feeling at the moment is relief that her end was so peaceful and her quality of life non ecistant. She had been in bed for the last month, mostly sleeping and it was dreadful to see.

Sent from my GT-P3110 using Talking Point mobile app

 

[Soobee]

Thanks to the person that opened this thread, some of it has been quite an eye opener.

I am just wondering how i can find out if my wife has an up to date will, only copy i can find at home is one made in 1986, containing a list of Pecuniary payments to family and friends and instructing her trustee to be pay them out of her estate not listed and funeral costs to be paid for from said estate as well.
As the estate would include the house to be sold, leaving me with nowhere to live, i need to know, whats what and if this will still stands.

If you had the house as tenants in common then you will not need to sell because it becomes yours. You will probably need to speak to a solicitor to clarify things.

 

[Chuggalug]

If your on a low income you can get
with financial costs .

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Death/WhatToDoAfterADeath/DG_066810



I never new about this when my father died .

After informing the DWP of my husband's death last week, the woman insisted they still had some pension to pay him! I insisted that couldn't be true. She insisted she knew how things worked and I should be the one listening to her advice. She couldn't have been more helpful if she'd tried hard.

Don't always expect to get what you read, or see in the news. Some of those who work for DWP have hearts of gold. Take all advice given. They know what they are talking about.

 

[Chuggalug]

What wonderful advice and a great help to everyone.

I could do with some advice, on how to rebuild my confidence after having been bullied and hounded for eighteen months by a social worker? The woman made life a misery and towards the end to avoid her I had to turn the answer machine off and not answer the telephone.

I always thought social workers were there to help people but this one broke the mould, thankfully after my mother passed away I had no further contact with the woman but I feel that her constant nagging and bully boy tactics have completely broken me.

There's only one valid way to deal with all trolls. Whoever this is, if they have been bullying you, first of all, they should be reported to their manager. No question.

For peace on the phone, get a call blocker.

 

[Chuggalug]

Its very hard for anyone when some one dies and they never arranged a funeral before. As not only is it very costly if they were not insured but the person has to go keep their grief inside them and basically arrange everything. Especially if they have no one to help or a rotten family like mine are.

Plus on top when my Mother died years ago and years later my aunt and friends father. I noticed that you need a car to get to all the places, and if you don't have one or cant drive, can you imagine how much they would charge for a cab. Its also harder if you live further away as well. Then you would find yourself relying on public transport to get to the places to arrange the funeral which is added stress.

When my friends Dad died, myself and husband went to the funeral and it was in the middle of no where, god knows how you would get there without a car. But that's the area they use for cremation services which is stupid as she lived a few miles away from the area. My husband had to look at the A to Z and it was miles away.

Lets be honest here, not everyone drives, or can afford to even own a car, let alone run one. Not all family give a damn as to help with lifts. I know mine wont when my Dads time comes and they would just tell me to get public transport then, cause that's how cold they are. But fortunately we have a car but as things keep going up all the time, I wonder if we will have that in the future. Its not a new car either so its not like we can exchange for another. And we certainly could not afford another car. We got this one from Husbands nephew. After his nephew had knocked it about a bit. I live quite far away from my Dad as well. Being in crowded trains and then having to get buses when your parent has just died. I am sure a lot of people have had to do this you know. We dont all have money for cabs either. But we dont get to hear about people who had to do this either.

My Dad is currently in a rehab unit but his dementia is getting worse now. He said he has had enough. hardly any family bother to visit him, they simply dont care. But you know what, their time will come and I wont bother to visit them either, see how they flaming like it.

Wow. Even though this was written quite some time ago, I feel I must respond.

This is my story. Almost word for word. I had to look everything up on the Internet and take it all from there. (Good ole Google!)

After the home rang me to tell me my husband had died, I arranged with them to pick up his belongings at a future date. Phoned DWP and the funeral people on the Monday and everything from there was completely hassle-free. It isn't always poor news. Because of people's professionalism, I do feel as if I've been virtually carried through the process.

I don't need to apply for probate or LoA, as all of hubby's income, plus some of mine was taken for his care costs. The only 'estate' he had was his clothes that were with him at the care home. Once I've picked them up, that's it, bar seeing to any other costs, which come out of my own income.

I have no one either, save for everyone here on TP. I have to use public transport for everything, and everything is such a distance from everywhere else, and I'm crippled with arthritis. But, you just get on with it. Things won't be like this forever. One day, it'll all be behind me and I'll have paid everything up. Then, learning from it all, I'll ensure my own ending is paid for before it happens. No family will deal with my funeral, but someone, (poor soul), will have to, so whoever that may be, I want them to find I've prepped for it all so nothing is taken from the public purse. I like the idea of being tidy.

 

[canary]

What a wonderful thread this is. Having done CoP application myself I was wondering how hard probate would be. I will try and get hold of the recommended book from the library.

No-one has mentioned the "Tell us Once" scheme. It was recommended by the registrar when I registered mums death and was very easy to do - it saved a lot of problems and difficult phone calls. The only people Ive had to phone have been the Office of Public Guardians about the CoP deputyship, mums private pension provider and DPW over a letter I received that I didnt understand (turns out that they owed mum 2 weeks Attendence Allowance and couldnt pay it into her bank account as it had been frozen). All the people I spoke to were lovely, helpful and sympathetic - including the person from DWP, which came as a pleasant surprise as I was expecting some jobsworth. In fact, the only person who has been unsympathetic over the phone was the person who booked appointments at the hospital where my OH (with FTD) had an appointment that I wanted to change because of the funeral. They were unbelievably difficult about changing the appointment as it wasnt his mother who had died!

 

[Chuggalug]

What a wonderful thread this is. Having done CoP application myself I was wondering how hard probate would be. I will try and get hold of the recommended book from the library.

No-one has mentioned the "Tell us Once" scheme. It was recommended by the registrar when I registered mums death and was very easy to do - it saved a lot of problems and difficult phone calls. The only people Ive had to phone have been the Office of Public Guardians about the CoP deputyship, mums private pension provider and DPW over a letter I received that I didnt understand (turns out that they owed mum 2 weeks Attendence Allowance and couldnt pay it into her bank account as it had been frozen). All the people I spoke to were lovely, helpful and sympathetic - including the person from DWP, which came as a pleasant surprise as I was expecting some jobsworth. In fact, the only person who has been unsympathetic over the phone was the person who booked appointments at the hospital where my OH (with FTD) had an appointment that I wanted to change because of the funeral. They were unbelievably difficult about changing the appointment as it wasnt his mother who had died!

I read about Tell Us Once, but found I didn't need to use it. DWP folks are always decent. Never had any trouble with them, ever.

 

[Murper1]

For me, Tell Us Once is very useful; it includes Blue Badge, passport office, driving, pensions, council tax etc. When my brother died a few years ago, because he died in a different district to where he lived, they couldn't offer Tell Us Once, and also it took longer to sort things out because I needed to get additional forms. It was a horrible time.

Re funerals; I found it straight forward to sort out funerals using independent, recommended funeral directors. What may help in anticipation of our own demise might be to write down what you would like for your final celebration, including music. For Mum's funeral last Friday, I was keen not to use the usual style of 'heavy' funeral director, but was lucky enough to find a local firm run by two ladies with a very light touch, but also a thorough and sensitive approach to making sure things went according to my wishes. No dark hearse, no Dickensian clothes, and I could call in to sit with Mum anytime during working hours. While researching undertakers this time round, I found out that a well known chain of funeral directors stores their clients in centralised 'hubs' rather than at the premises of the funeral director; I think the funeral director should tell you where your loved one will be staying.

Also, I found out this time round that different crematoria charge different prices! For my Dad last year, the cost of the crem, including service, was double that for my Mum using our local church then cremation at a different crem without a service. The lovely thing about Mum's funeral at our local church was that we were able to spend as long as we liked at the church and to make it ours for the day. I'm told that many funeral directors do not like to tell you about the simple cremation service.

Sorry I've written so much!