What to do after death....

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by ASPIRE, Mar 22, 2019.

  1. ASPIRE

    ASPIRE Registered User

    Jan 9, 2014
    15
    cambridge
    What to do after a death is what l keep asking myself daily.My wife died 3 months ago after going through a hell of a journey with Alzheimers for 11 years ( 6 years l looked after her and then 5 years in different Care homes ). Now l know l am on my own its the last stage of the journey for me.
    What do l do now ? We were married for over 55 years and its not easy to deal with her no longer being there. While she was still alive l still had a role of visiting her and making sure she was being treated right. I have no friends and no contact with family. .Now l have no purpose. I am bored and lonely know l must do something . All the people l talk to about this are married with children and grand children they are not in my situation. They tell me to go out and meet other people some say they will pray for me. l am in my mid 70s its not easy to go out and make friends l feel like l have just left school again looking for new mates. l have not mentioned grief ? l have had a lot of grief over my wifes journey with this terrible decease its a relief in the end for the both of us. Your comments please .
     
  2. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,455
    Female
    England
    It’s a very difficult time after losing a loved one @ASPIRE especially with dementia care taking up all of our time.

    I wonder if joining u3a ( university of the 3rd age) might be of interest. It’s an organisation set up for us oldies where they offer lots of opportunities to follow either an old interest or something new. You will meet people of a similar age and similar interests and make new friendships.

    u3a in Cambridge,

    27-28 Bridge Street,
    Cambridge
    CB2 1UJ

    TEL. 01223 321587

    u3ac.org.uk

    I’m sure they would send you details of everything on offer if you give them a call.
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,361
    Kent
    Good morning @ASPIRE

    It would have been our 55th wedding anniversary today and my husband died five years ago. I am still making adjustments to my life.

    It is very early days for you. My husband died in a January and I barely went out until the following March. Even then I didn`t really know what to do with myself.

    Over the years, I have joined retirement clubs, U3A, as mentioned above by @jaymor, walking groups and I also volunteer. The clubs were not all successes but through them, I have made a few good friends and now have a core of activities I enjoy.

    The grief you feel I am still feeling. It does not go away. I have learnt to live with it and in time I hope you will too.

    Those of us who have cared for long term spouses over serveral years cannot be expected to rebuild our lives overnight.

    Your wife had a long struggle with her dementia. You struggled with her. Your wife`s struggle is over and a different struggle for you has begun. It will take time and I wish you the strength to deal with it.

    Please use this Forum for help and support. You will find many ready-made friends here who understand .
     
  4. KathrynAnne

    KathrynAnne Registered User

    Jun 6, 2018
    272
    Female
    South Yorkshire
    You have a wealth of knowledge about dealing with caring for a PWD. Could you volunteer at a local Alzheimer’s Society group or independent memory cafe? There are quite a few in my area and the most beneficial reason for attending these with my Mum was talking to people who understood what I was going through.
     
  5. ASPIRE

    ASPIRE Registered User

    Jan 9, 2014
    15
    cambridge
    l tried U3a a few years ago it did not work out for me and my wife then . l have since found out that the u3a areas vary so it may involve a bit of travel to the right one for me but it maybe worth a try..
     
  6. ASPIRE

    ASPIRE Registered User

    Jan 9, 2014
    15
    cambridge
    I like what you have written Not all clubs work out so its a matter of keep trying..
     
  7. Loopiloo

    Loopiloo Registered User

    May 10, 2010
    6,119
    Female
    Scotland
    I sympatise and empathise. It is not easy after a long marriage. My husband died in June 2016 this year we would have been married 60 years. He had vascular dementia due to a stroke in hs early 60's. We had 10 years at home struggling on our own then he was in a care home his last 5 years.

    As Grannny G said the grief does not go away but you do learn to live with it hard although that wll be for you to believe at present.


    Remember your life together before dementia turned life upside down. Memories become important and I find looking at photos of our times together very comforting.Yet during the dementia years found photos too painful to look at. I am greatful for the life we had and will not allow dementia to take that reality away from me.

    Some good suggestions here for you to consider. Meantime be kind to yourself take things at your own pace.

    Remember we are all here and interested to hear about you. Write whatever you wish, some days will be more difficult to get through that others.

    Wishing you well through this hard grieving process.

    In my thoughts

    Loo xxx
     
  8. Paty

    Paty Registered User

    Mar 31, 2019
    13
    Death is not assumed, in general, in a moment and less than being loved and close.
    Time is the great tool to overcome this type of trauma.
     

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